Retired lap dancer- ask me anything

[yourprivatedancerEX]

It’s not something I tell new people I meet that for 10 years I used to be a very successful lap dancer. I have a very different career now but often reminisce about my secret lap dancing past, always with fond memories!
I think it’s still something that is frowned upon by many and in my view I think that’s largely down to being misunderstood. So if any of you have any questions I will answer them and hopefully give you some interesting insight into the secret world of lap dancing! Ask away.

But rat the very nature of paying a woman for your own sexual gratification shows a total lack of respect!

It might, by some philosophies, show a lack of respect for women, but it doesn't show a lack of respect for that woman in her professional capacity. And that's what was being referred to in the context of the original post.

You're not going to cure a societal lack of respect for women through lap-dancers in any way, shape or form. They remove their product, all that's achieved is that they are poorer.

I live in NI. We don't have strip clubs or lapdancing bars. Despite this we still have misogyny, rape and sexual abuse. We also don't have safe local access to abortion on demand.

it doesn't show a lack of respect for that woman in her professional capacity.

Of course it does! I’d be really interested to hear why you think it doesn’t? I can’t see this arguement at all.

Ffs. Sex has always been a commodity, it always will. Money is power, time is valuable, so stripping probably is more empowering than being a wage slave in a grotty min wage job. The problem comes when people are being forced/trafficked into it, which is surely massively exasperated by parts of the industry being illegal/underground. You can’t possibly blame people doing it of their own free will for others being forced into it by criminals. My db stripped his way through uni, he didn’t have some sort of extra power because he was Male. He was the same as any female stripper. He decided that he’d rather take his clothes off and let (usually older) women letch over him for a couple of hours and earn the same amount of money as a whole shift stacking shelves or waiting.

You have an obligation to respect the waiting staff if you expect to eat at your favourite restaurant.

A social obligation, yes. Though it is not compulsory to treat people with respect, sadly.

Cafes and restaurants don’t generally have bouncers on hand to ensure clients are treating the staff with respect.

Extra Power. Hmmmm, he does have extra privilege though, right?

Back in the day when I was a young thing, all the guys I knew at university got cash for sperm. All of them.

My db stripped his way through uni, he didn’t have some sort of extra power because he was Male. He was the same as any female stripper.

On an individual basis this is true, within the wider societal context it really, really, really is not.

I'm not against lap dancing for all the reasons that have been so well argued here, but I cannot pretend that men and women live in the same context as each other.

A social obligation, yes.

An transactionary obligation in fact. You always have a social obligation to be respectful, but the obligation to be nice to the staff in your favourite restaurant is because they will throw you out and refuse to serve you is you're not.

Restaurants don't have bouncers on hand because people aren't usually very drunk. Nightclubs have bouncers. Strip clubs have more because you have private spaces where dancers are alone with customers, and these can't be adequately policed by a couple of bouncers standing at the door. If restaurants were open at 3am, churned booze out like a bar and had little booths where they sent their waiting staff, they'd definitely have bouncers too.

Trying to work backwards and sort of pick out key points.

I am educated, went to a lovely middle class church school, did a levels and have a degree. I had choices. I still chose to dance. I do see it as both a privilege (of having the choice) and a symptom of a misogynist society that I had the option. It IS, by it's very nature, not going to help the cause of feminism (on the wider scale) if a man can go into a strip club, choose a woman to dance for him and pay for it. But by taking the choice away from the many women who choose to dance, all kinds of opportunities are removed, and only the woman would suffer for it. It is a chicken and egg scenario.

I have met a lot of dancers. They are the same as anyone, there are lots of dancers who work, in different cities than the ones they live in, over the weekend, a couple of times a month. You would never know. Soke women supplement an income, others dance full time. Some women who work in the industry have mental health issues, alcohol and drug addiction, same as any. I'd argue it's a fairly small minority of the overall number. Being shit faced on the floor is going to get you sacked, and you're not going to earn money, which is the absolute end goal.

There is never going to be a satisfying answer to the existence of lap dancing clubs. It all comes down to policing women's bodies whichever side you fall on.

I am educated, went to a lovely middle class church school, did a levels and have a degree. I had choices. I still chose to dance. I do see it as both a privilege (of having the choice) and a symptom of a misogynist society that I had the option

Couldn't agree with your whole post more StripStrip, could have written it myself (but not as succinctly).

Sex has always been a commodity, it always will.

Sex has been a commodity because historically men have commodified it. Literally buying and selling men and women.

To think it must always be thus is spectacular failure of imagination.

I am educated, went to a lovely middle class church school, did a levels and have a degree. I had choices. I still chose to dance. I do see it as both a privilege (of having the choice) and a symptom of a misogynist society that I had the option

Couldn't agree with your whole post more StripStrip, could have written it myself (but not as succinctly).

God it's gotten awfully serious around here lately! Let's go back to light hearted questions:

This is to any or all of the, let's face it, bloody amazing dancers/strippers on here -

What was your favourite music to dance/strip to?
Any favourite tracks?
Did any of the guys have special requests for particular music or special moves etc?

@yourprivatedancerEX I agree with what you said here completely:

A small percentage of society frequently visit lap dancing clubs. It in no way forms most of the male population. However in every day life the following is normalised and we have all, men and women become desentitised to it:

- men able to buy naked women in pint and glamour magazines
- women’s bodies and sexuality used in advertising for all kinds of every day products
- music videos normalising the selling of sexuality to teenage girls and boys who are at a point where they are very susceptible to influence.
- the language used to describe women in everyday media. Constantly referring to their appearance and body types and valuing women based on their looks.
- the way celebs in the media (female) are valued on their bodies and their appearance.

Here's my question: if as a society we decided to stop all of that - to stop treating women's bodies as sexual playthings for men, objects for advertising, or hyper sexualised objects of desire, would you support that? Even though it would mean ending lap dancing too?

Actually I've just been reminded by my DH that I gave him an impromptu lap dance a few years ago in a busy club! That was to "Just a Little" by Liberty X

There was a sexy song!

I was fully clothed though 😀

I would also say that most dancers (current or retired) don't publicise that they dance(d) for the simple fact that you have no idea how someone will react. And often, it's absolutely not worth taking the chance. It's partly why the industry exists in its own little chasm. If you don't work in the club, you don't understand how the club works.

Thanks Rat was wondering if I was making sense

What was your favourite music to dance/strip to?
Depended on my mood. Sometimes rock, pop, bit of country occasionally. If we had a room full of a particular band's fans because there was a concert on, I'd choose that bands tracks to go on stage to as it would guarantee a bit of interest.

Did any of the guys have special requests for particular music or special moves etc?
Not really, some would ask if they can request a song with the DJ. Moves? Again, not really, they just sit and do as they're told.

Here's my question: if as a society we decided to stop all of that - to stop treating women's bodies as sexual playthings for men, objects for advertising, or hyper sexualised objects of desire, would you support that? Even though it would mean ending lap dancing too?

Absolutely.

Grandmaswagsbag did your brother ever dance for men? Or groups of men in private booths?

Leaving aside the sex-related discussion, aren't the economics of the set-up terribly disempowering also? Nobody has mentioned any possibility of a normal wage relationship. I bet the bouncers (men) who are so lauded on here are paid £X per hour and don't need to pay an initial fee to arrive each day and start work. From what I understand from this thread, the dancers (women) first pay a fee to be let in the door, a fee each and every time they want to work. And then they perform for free in the public area. And they only get paid when someone chooses them for individual work. And the club takes commission off that as well for the most past. And someone mentioned needing to then tip the bouncers each night as well. That's horribly exploitative. If dancers are needed to staff the premises each night, why can't they be paid for that? It's a bit like a pyramid scheme, the dancers themselves are the consumer.

They’re discussing licensing and equality for strip clubs right now on radio 4!

They’re discussing equality and licensing of strip clubs right now on radio 4!

They’re discussing equality and licensing of strip clubs right now on radio 4!