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Original poster

My sister has been hurting her son

306 replies

Kickpot · 20/10/2026 08:56

I wasn't sure where to post this, and I'm not even sure I'm expecting responses, but I needed to write this down somewhere.

I recently found out that my sister and her partner have been neglecting and physically and verbally abusing my nephew (her son).

He is 5 years old and this has probably been going on since she met her partner when my nephew was around 2 years old. My nephew is autistic and has only recently started speaking in a way that others can understand, previously he would repeat certain quotes over and over. I believe this is one of the reasons they were able to hide what they were doing as they would brush behaviours off as "autism" and he couldn't tell us any differently.

I live abroad and only visit my family once a year. I video call often and my sister would send photos and videos most days. I thought they had a normal life. If anything, I was proud of her as it seemed her parenting journey was much harder than my own and yet she was so happy. The guilt I have that I was too far away to notice that things weren't right, and that I'm still too far away to really help is all consuming.

This all only came to light as his teacher became suspicious. Then my mum found bruises. It has spiralled from there.

The thought that he has spent his short life feeling afraid and unable to ask for help is destroying me. The thought that my sister has inflicted such harm on a child, and watched as the man she chose did too, makes me sick. They recorded a lot of it. My sister shared the videos on the family WhatsApp as she believed they would absolve her. The images and the sounds never leave me, day or night. I don't know who she is anymore. I don't know how my nephew will ever trust an adult again.

My nephew will stay with my parents now, hopefully permanently. I offered to have him live with me but that would upend his whole life. He loves his school and he has all of his therapies already set up in their town. My sister wants him back though, as does her partner. That surely won't be allowed?

I don't know if anyone will read this. I'm just devastated.

OP posts:
Whattodo1610 · 20/10/2026 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Kickpot · 20/10/2026 12:23

FinallyMummy · 20/10/2026 12:05

2 investigations are going to be happening side by side.
Police will be investigating possible
charges, gathering evidence with the hope of securing a prosecution.
At the same time, social services are investigating whether the evidence is going to be enough to support your nephew staying out of parental care and also, where is the most stable and safe place for him to be.
Giving your parents guardianship is essentially removal of your sisters parental rights and that’s a big step (legally) so social services need to prove that your sister is an ongoing threat/unable to keep your nephew safe while also proving that your parents are physically, emotionally and financially able to provide for him.

Both investigations are done differently and are looking at achieving different things, and the timelines for them can differ hugely.

As for how you can help - you’re doing it already.

When children are placed into foster care or with adopted parents, the advice is generally to maintain as much of their routine as possible as it gives them a base that builds a feeling of safety (usually this is about mealtimes, bedtimes, schooling) but will also include family interactions. If he’s not used to seeing you often, you suddenly arriving could potentially make him more unsettled.
By video calling and just being present while he gets used to you, you’re giving him a chance to adjust to his new life.

And absolutely do not underestimate the difference additional funding can make if you can spare it. Allowing him to access therapies, softplay sessions, clothes (as I’m sure he’s growing every 5 minutes at that age) will be benefiting him in ways you won’t be able to see for a while.

The only questions I’d be asking now is around your parents - are they strong enough to keep your sister away? Social services may state that either no visits or supervised only are allowed and your parents will need to make sure that happens. She won’t be allowed to just pop in, see him at Christmas etc.
It sounds straight forward but they’ll be ending a relationship with their child in order to keep your nephew safe and that can be tough.

As for your sister, I’m not sure what to say. I don’t think I’d be able to have a relationship with her.
It’s been proven so many times that the risk to a child increases in such a big way when a new partner joins the household but I will never understand how a mother can both do that and watch her so called partner do that to her child either.

Edited

Thank you for those insights. I appreciate you taking the time.

My parents are incredible. Stronger than I would have imagined. My mum is learning everything there is to learn about trauma and about autism. My dad is working every hour under the sun to ensure they are financially strong enough. My fear is that they will burn out.

My sister has been offered some visitation, as I understand it, but often doesn't turn up and when she does she leaves shortly after. She is furious that her partner has been cut out entirely by social services.

OP posts:
Taytosambo · 20/10/2026 12:24

Arabelllllllla · 20/10/2026 11:38

Ive literally just written something nice to you, there has been no personal attack or venom towards you, only concern that your nephew has the right support.

Obviously you're under a lot of stress, but there is no need to say I dish out venom on here because I don't. Pretty unkind.

I do hope your nephew gets all the help he needs and this situation improves. Ill leave it there.

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Yeah you were blaming OP more or less. Shame on you.

Arabelllllllla · 20/10/2026 12:24

iwant2cats · 20/10/2026 12:18

@Arabelllllllla what people say they would do for someone and what they can actually do in the circumstances are very different.

We don’t know where the nephew lives: the OP might not be able to get residency there. She might have health issues which would mean an application would be declined or a minor criminal record (sorry OP not suggesting this is the case obviously.)

She would need work, funding, work out what to do with her existing home, relationship, own children (I can’t see if she has them or not.)

It isn’t as simple as just blithely getting on a plane and waving.

I never said it was. I have my own child and a job, it wouldn't just be me jumping on a plane and waving bye bye. Its a bit glib to suggest that. But if a situation serious enough warranted it (and this would to me), then I would be making a plan to physically get myself there as soon as possible.

Because I would want to know I'd done everything within my power.

Its interesting that assumptions have been made here as to why somebody can't help, but none of that information has been provided. Again I'll state what I've said about 15 times now "if she can then she should". Can being the operative word.

Whattodo1610 · 20/10/2026 12:24

Arabelllllllla · 20/10/2026 11:55

So you think calling someone with a trauma history "despicable" is a good look either? Because it wouldn't make you a better person.

Ive already said I would do everything in my power to ensure I could travel, and if the OP can then I hope she does. Because I genuinely feel for that little boy and the rest of the family.

I wont respond to you again, just wanted to point out verbally abusing someone you think is a trauma survior is not a morally superior action.

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It’s a pity others will now not see my actual words .. which were not what you are saying here, given that you’ve managed to get my post deleted, along with others it seems.

iwant2cats · 20/10/2026 12:26

So let’s assume she can’t rather than give her a hard time over it @Arabelllllllla .

iwant2cats · 20/10/2026 12:27

Whattodo1610 · 20/10/2026 12:24

It’s a pity others will now not see my actual words .. which were not what you are saying here, given that you’ve managed to get my post deleted, along with others it seems.

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I read your post and IMO you said nothing deletion worthy. But best to move on, it isn’t helping the OP 👍🏻

birdinatree1903 · 20/10/2026 12:27

OP I’m so very sorry your family is dealing with this, the poor little boy, my heart absolutely breaks for him. It sounds like your parents and yourself are doing everything you can. He is lucky to have you.

Arabelllllllla · 20/10/2026 12:29

iwant2cats · 20/10/2026 12:26

So let’s assume she can’t rather than give her a hard time over it @Arabelllllllla .

I wasnt trying to give her a hard time tbh, I was just trying to ask her if she could step up more than financially as she didn't feel it was enough herself. And if she felt like that then can she do more?!

Honestly the pile on here has been insane. I didn't even say she needed to fly anywhere, I said that if it were me then I would.

Original poster
Kickpot · 20/10/2026 12:29

iwant2cats · 20/10/2026 12:18

@Arabelllllllla what people say they would do for someone and what they can actually do in the circumstances are very different.

We don’t know where the nephew lives: the OP might not be able to get residency there. She might have health issues which would mean an application would be declined or a minor criminal record (sorry OP not suggesting this is the case obviously.)

She would need work, funding, work out what to do with her existing home, relationship, own children (I can’t see if she has them or not.)

It isn’t as simple as just blithely getting on a plane and waving.

Yes, I wish it was that simple. My husband and I both have full time jobs here that we cannot easily transfer back home. We have 3 small children. We set ourselves up to be here forever so it is not easily undone.
I am working on understanding what it would take to relocate but it will take time and for now I believe the financial support I can offer through my career here is important. In the meantime, I am doing what I can to be familiar to my nephew.

OP posts:
Whattodo1610 · 20/10/2026 12:29

iwant2cats · 20/10/2026 12:27

I read your post and IMO you said nothing deletion worthy. But best to move on, it isn’t helping the OP 👍🏻

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Thank you. I know I said nothing that warranted deletion. This particular poster seems to have her own agenda, I will leave her to it. Others are in agreement so it’s clearly not just me seeing her in this way.

iwant2cats · 20/10/2026 12:30

Arabelllllllla · 20/10/2026 12:29

I wasnt trying to give her a hard time tbh, I was just trying to ask her if she could step up more than financially as she didn't feel it was enough herself. And if she felt like that then can she do more?!

Honestly the pile on here has been insane. I didn't even say she needed to fly anywhere, I said that if it were me then I would.

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Fair enough you weren’t trying to give her a hard time, but you were. I know that’s direct of me and I’m not meaning it unkindly. But you were.

moto748e · 20/10/2026 12:31

When he is a little bit older your DN will come to see what a wonderful auntie he has, OP.

Arabelllllllla · 20/10/2026 12:33

iwant2cats · 20/10/2026 12:30

Fair enough you weren’t trying to give her a hard time, but you were. I know that’s direct of me and I’m not meaning it unkindly. But you were.

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Well i apologise to OP if it came across that way because that genuinely wasn't my intention. Im just completely horrified by the situation and wanted to make sure her sister has no access to the nephew ever again, it hits home horribly when you have your own kids as well.

Thank you for engaging with me in nice way, I don't mind people being direct at all.

Original poster
Kickpot · 20/10/2026 12:36

Arabelllllllla · 20/10/2026 12:33

Well i apologise to OP if it came across that way because that genuinely wasn't my intention. Im just completely horrified by the situation and wanted to make sure her sister has no access to the nephew ever again, it hits home horribly when you have your own kids as well.

Thank you for engaging with me in nice way, I don't mind people being direct at all.

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Thank you for confirming your intention and I apologise for snapping.

You're right that it hits home when you have your own children. My nephew looks very similar to my son and it destroyed me to see such fear in his eyes.

I'm not sure anything I do will ever feel enough now. But I do feel like I am trying.

OP posts:
Whattodo1610 · 20/10/2026 12:36

@Kickpot I’m ignoring the poster with the vendetta against me so as not to derail your thread any further. You are fantastic in what you’re doing for your nephew, mum and dad. I wish you all the best going forward, I wish your nephew the most beautiful life from now with the loving relatives now looking after him, and his amazing auntie doing her absolute best for him. 💐💐

Arabelllllllla · 20/10/2026 12:41

Kickpot · 20/10/2026 12:36

Thank you for confirming your intention and I apologise for snapping.

You're right that it hits home when you have your own children. My nephew looks very similar to my son and it destroyed me to see such fear in his eyes.

I'm not sure anything I do will ever feel enough now. But I do feel like I am trying.

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I want to say sorry directly that it seemed like I was attacking you, that was not what I meant to do. My motivation really was because you sound like you are probably the best person (along with your parents) to protect your nephew, and I was probably a bit overzealous in the way I was communicating it. I can see it wasn't helpful.

For avoidance of doubt I do not think its your fault, or your parents! At all.

leperol · 20/10/2026 12:41

You and your parents are doing a fantastic job. The teacher is also to be highly commended for spotting things and acting. He is safe now in the arms of your parents, with you providing as much support as you can.

I hope she never gets any kind of unsupervised access to the child ever again.

The situation sounds to me like she is one of those people in thrall to their partner and will do anything (including child abuse) to keep him.

Icanthinkformyselfthanks · 20/10/2026 12:43

@Kickpot , how awful for you all and how brave you are to face this in a way that puts your nephew’s needs first.
You were not responsible for any of this nor were your parents and you’ve all done all you can to protect and care for the little boy. Move forward with his best interests at the forefront and try to accept your lack of culpability. You may find counselling helpful. 💐

KathleenDarleenDayKnight · 20/10/2026 12:50

Arabelllllllla · 20/10/2026 12:13

I explicity posted to OP that it wasn't her fault or her parents. Im just shocked generally speaking that this goes so unnoticed. I absolutely did not blame her at all, if I have then please repost it so I can apologise.

And yes I would uproot my life for my nephew, if I thought there was any risk that he could end up in more danger or back with an abuser. Its interesting because I dont have a huge support network or lots of money, but I know this would be a priority for me personally. And I've repeatedly said "if she can then she should" which I stand by. Dropping everything at a minutes notice may not be possible but it sounds like the parents may need help in the future too.

I feel very strongly that we all should protect children, even if it is difficult for us as adults. I'm applying to become a foster carer for that reason myself. Because I want to do as much as I can.

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Bear in mind OP has her own children as well.

MJagain · 20/10/2026 12:53

OneNewEagle · 20/10/2026 10:07

How awful, she will hopefully never be allowed near children again. And definitely not her son.

if it was me I would get the first flight home, move back and foster him, your parents deserve to be grandparents now they have done their parenting.

Is this an option? How settled are you abroad?

Original poster
Kickpot · 20/10/2026 12:55

MJagain · 20/10/2026 12:53

Is this an option? How settled are you abroad?

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I answered this above but, in short, very. It is unfortunately not that simple.

OP posts:
Mangelwurzelfortea · 20/10/2026 13:00

OP, does your sister still think she's done nothing wrong? She is clearly sticking with this partner, despite the abuse, which it sounds like she has normalised as them 'disciplining' him or dealing with tantrums. It does seem in a lot of these situations (and this is just my observation and not based on evidence) that the abuse usually starts when the mum gets a new partner.

I can understand why close family didn't see what's going on. It must be almost impossible to believe your sister is capable of such a thing. I can't imagine ever believing such a thing of my own siblings - even though I know that's exactly how abusers do get away with it.

SiberFox · 20/10/2026 13:04

Oh OP. This made me cry. Of course you are grieving. Sending you all love

pusskins06 · 20/10/2026 13:07

Arabelllllllla · 20/10/2026 12:29

I wasnt trying to give her a hard time tbh, I was just trying to ask her if she could step up more than financially as she didn't feel it was enough herself. And if she felt like that then can she do more?!

Honestly the pile on here has been insane. I didn't even say she needed to fly anywhere, I said that if it were me then I would.

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Can you please just stop ! We are all now well aware of your opinion