My sister has been hurting her son

Oh dear

Wow, thats horrible, poor boy. Thank god for the rest of you. Hopefully he’ll live a full happy life without them all.

Sorry to hear this, I have an autistic son and I know situations like this are very distressing for anyone who has to deal with them. I can't understand why they would video the abuse and send it to you though - surely they must know it shows them committing a crime ?

Ive literally just written something nice to you, there has been no personal attack or venom towards you, only concern that your nephew has the right support.

Obviously you're under a lot of stress, but there is no need to say I dish out venom on here because I don't. Pretty unkind.

I do hope your nephew gets all the help he needs and this situation improves. Ill leave it there.

@Kickpot if your sister tries to see him again just tell her you’ll release the videos and the public can see what she’s like. She’s clearly a bully, she’ll shit herself at the idea of being shared all over those expose abusers page. Bullies respond to one thing, a bigger bully.

It’s astounding how many parents have mentally justified abusing their disabled children, it’s unbelievably common. My son attends a specialist school for Sen children and 3 kids over the years (these are small classes) have been removed from their parents. I’m not saying that the fault lies with anyone but the abuser but there is a shocking lack of support for Sen parents. I think violence and fear are often the only way parents feel they can control a Sen child. It’s not easy, I currently have a bruised face from an incident this weekend with my Sen son smacking me, I get how difficult it can be raising a child with Sen. But how can anyone think hurting and scaring them is the answer? Especially when your sister has wonderful parents who could have helped. You must be so angry with her.

No one is suggesting they shouldt be harshly and properly punished.
But people who have not been found guilty (yet) are not put in prison unless they present a risk of harm to others while they are waiting for trial or they are likely to abscond from justice. They are sentanced when found guilty and won’t serve any less time.
Do you think a Police state where everyone charged with a crime is immediately imprisoned before trial would be better?

Oh please stop blaming yourself for not being around more! It’s genuinely not something that would have changed the outcome, I promise you as someone who has dealt with family abuse, if an abuser wants to harm a child, mentally, physically, sexually… they’re going to do it regardless.

You aren’t to blame for your sister being abusive or bringing a violent person into your nephews life. This is on her. She is a vile human. You are very kind and clearly a loving aunty. Nephew is safe and he will thrive with your parents. Whilst it’s a dreadful start, with love and support and therapy he can live a happy life now. Grieve and process, but you have done absolutely nothing wrong here.

Unfortunately as a relative of a foster carer, I can tell you that children removed from parents due to neglect and abuse (can’t speak for extreme physical/sexual abuse because I don’t have experience of looked after kids who have experienced it) are still forced encouraged to have relationships with their parents. I’ve lost faith in a lot of the system after being close to it.

OP I’m sorry, this poor little boy. It is possible that this abuse coming to light has saved his life. I’m glad he is getting proper care now. Where is his Dad in all this?

So you think calling someone with a trauma history "despicable" is a good look either? Because it wouldn't make you a better person.

Ive already said I would do everything in my power to ensure I could travel, and if the OP can then I hope she does. Because I genuinely feel for that little boy and the rest of the family.

I wont respond to you again, just wanted to point out verbally abusing someone you think is a trauma survior is not a morally superior action.

I am so sorry, I think the word grief is appropriate, my niece is autistic, I’d never imagine my sister hurting her (I have no reason to think she ever has either) and I can’t imagine the shock or yeah, grief, if it turned out she had. My niece had a bruise the other day (completely innocent, completely explained) but what I’m getting at is I have no reason to be suspicious of my sister, my mind would never go to anything sinister. So try and be kind to yourself and focus on caring for your nephew.

As I stated, correctly, they need to be punished. And they need to go to prison.

And hopefully thats exactly what will happen but its a bit baffling why so many posters are acting like this pair have already been tried and acquitted.

I didn’t call you despicable… I said you were being despicable here. There is a difference.

Please don’t point out something I have not done.

Sadly this is all too common, especially when a new partner comes on the scene. Your poor nephew. Please don’t let your mum soften towards your sister at any point.

2 investigations are going to be happening side by side.
Police will be investigating possible
charges, gathering evidence with the hope of securing a prosecution.
At the same time, social services are investigating whether the evidence is going to be enough to support your nephew staying out of parental care and also, where is the most stable and safe place for him to be.
Giving your parents guardianship is essentially removal of your sisters parental rights and that’s a big step (legally) so social services need to prove that your sister is an ongoing threat/unable to keep your nephew safe while also proving that your parents are physically, emotionally and financially able to provide for him.

Both investigations are done differently and are looking at achieving different things, and the timelines for them can differ hugely.

As for how you can help - you’re doing it already.

When children are placed into foster care or with adopted parents, the advice is generally to maintain as much of their routine as possible as it gives them a base that builds a feeling of safety (usually this is about mealtimes, bedtimes, schooling) but will also include family interactions. If he’s not used to seeing you often, you suddenly arriving could potentially make him more unsettled.
By video calling and just being present while he gets used to you, you’re giving him a chance to adjust to his new life.

And absolutely do not underestimate the difference additional funding can make if you can spare it. Allowing him to access therapies, softplay sessions, clothes (as I’m sure he’s growing every 5 minutes at that age) will be benefiting him in ways you won’t be able to see for a while.

The only questions I’d be asking now is around your parents - are they strong enough to keep your sister away? Social services may state that either no visits or supervised only are allowed and your parents will need to make sure that happens. She won’t be allowed to just pop in, see him at Christmas etc.
It sounds straight forward but they’ll be ending a relationship with their child in order to keep your nephew safe and that can be tough.

As for your sister, I’m not sure what to say. I don’t think I’d be able to have a relationship with her.
It’s been proven so many times that the risk to a child increases in such a big way when a new partner joins the household but I will never understand how a mother can both do that and watch her so called partner do that to her child either.

Just read through your PP’s, it’s not helpful to blame someone else for not noticing, as I’ve just said in my PP my niece is autistic and had some bruises the other day (completely innocent and explainable) but never in a million years would I accuse my sister, so I get how OP can be so blindsided by this.

Also, you have DC and commitments but you’d willingly uproot your life over something like this? There speaks someone with a support network, an overdraft, and decent sick pay/leniency to work from home, even in a foreign county. Her nephew is safe with grandparents, she’s not leaving him in foster care whilst she’s on holiday

Tbh @Arabelllllllla i think you’ve been really unfair as well. I can see you feel strongly about it but there IS a limit as to what someone in another country can reasonably be expected to do.

This is a terrible situation for the poor little boy, but absolutely none of it is your fault. Now you are aware you are doing all that you can. People who abuse children are usually very good at covering it up. They are despicable and hopefully justice will prevail and they will be punished by the law.

I explicity posted to OP that it wasn't her fault or her parents. Im just shocked generally speaking that this goes so unnoticed. I absolutely did not blame her at all, if I have then please repost it so I can apologise.

And yes I would uproot my life for my nephew, if I thought there was any risk that he could end up in more danger or back with an abuser. Its interesting because I dont have a huge support network or lots of money, but I know this would be a priority for me personally. And I've repeatedly said "if she can then she should" which I stand by. Dropping everything at a minutes notice may not be possible but it sounds like the parents may need help in the future too.

I feel very strongly that we all should protect children, even if it is difficult for us as adults. I'm applying to become a foster carer for that reason myself. Because I want to do as much as I can.

@Arabelllllllla what people say they would do for someone and what they can actually do in the circumstances are very different.

We don’t know where the nephew lives: the OP might not be able to get residency there. She might have health issues which would mean an application would be declined or a minor criminal record (sorry OP not suggesting this is the case obviously.)

She would need work, funding, work out what to do with her existing home, relationship, own children (I can’t see if she has them or not.)

It isn’t as simple as just blithely getting on a plane and waving.