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Original poster

My sister has been hurting her son

306 replies

Kickpot · 20/10/2026 08:56

I wasn't sure where to post this, and I'm not even sure I'm expecting responses, but I needed to write this down somewhere.

I recently found out that my sister and her partner have been neglecting and physically and verbally abusing my nephew (her son).

He is 5 years old and this has probably been going on since she met her partner when my nephew was around 2 years old. My nephew is autistic and has only recently started speaking in a way that others can understand, previously he would repeat certain quotes over and over. I believe this is one of the reasons they were able to hide what they were doing as they would brush behaviours off as "autism" and he couldn't tell us any differently.

I live abroad and only visit my family once a year. I video call often and my sister would send photos and videos most days. I thought they had a normal life. If anything, I was proud of her as it seemed her parenting journey was much harder than my own and yet she was so happy. The guilt I have that I was too far away to notice that things weren't right, and that I'm still too far away to really help is all consuming.

This all only came to light as his teacher became suspicious. Then my mum found bruises. It has spiralled from there.

The thought that he has spent his short life feeling afraid and unable to ask for help is destroying me. The thought that my sister has inflicted such harm on a child, and watched as the man she chose did too, makes me sick. They recorded a lot of it. My sister shared the videos on the family WhatsApp as she believed they would absolve her. The images and the sounds never leave me, day or night. I don't know who she is anymore. I don't know how my nephew will ever trust an adult again.

My nephew will stay with my parents now, hopefully permanently. I offered to have him live with me but that would upend his whole life. He loves his school and he has all of his therapies already set up in their town. My sister wants him back though, as does her partner. That surely won't be allowed?

I don't know if anyone will read this. I'm just devastated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kickpot · 22/10/2026 06:29

Pandaball · 21/10/2026 21:42

Is your nephew diagnosed autistic with an EHCP? Does he attend mainstream or SEN school? I ask this to ascertain the level of support your parents are likely to receive and not to question your statement.
Hopefully, your parents will remain as carers for your nephew. It is worth looking at the difference between an SGO (special guardianship order) and kinship foster care. The former does not class as a looked after child, the latter does.
If your nephew is likely to require pupil premium (additional funding) then he will benefit from being a LAC.
An EHCP would enable his carers to formally request things like counselling, therapy etc and as a LAC there is likely to be funding. This would also cover things like free school meals, which may be helpful.
On another note, my relative died young leaving a baby who was cared for by their granparent who was in their 60s and fit and healthy. 10 years is a long time and things change. They are now in their 70s with a range of illnesses and ailments raising a pre teen and it is not easy.
I wish you and your family all the best. Your sister is a monster but that is not your fault.

He has a formal diagnosis and requires significant support.

I am well aware of my parents age and the fact they are only going to get older and potentially less fit and healthy. They are absolutely the right people to be looking after him right now due to the closeness of the relationship. However, as I have said above I am doing what I can to be in a position to take over. It is not simple.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kickpot · 22/10/2026 06:40

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Post withdrawn at author's request

I don't really want to get into a discussion about taxes here. I see your point but realistically campaigning for that is not going to help my nephew in this current situation, and he is my priority.

I do not curse all social workers, I am certain there are excellent ones out there who truly want to do a good job. I don't believe we have met one of those yet. And, sadly, when they get it wrong it leads to children being injured or worse so, yes, I will curse them every time they get it wrong. Initially, the social worker advised us to send my nephew back with my sister and partner as "best case scenario they would not do it again and worst case scenario we could gather more evidence of the abuse". You don't need a crystal ball to see how nonsensical that is - allowing him to be frightened and injured further. She didn't see why that was categorically never going to be something we allowed.
Since then, I'm yet to see her demonstrate any real competence so, yes, I curse her.

OP posts:
ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 22/10/2026 09:01

Initially, the social worker advised us to send my nephew back with my sister and partner as "best case scenario they would not do it again and worst case scenario we could gather more evidence of the abuse"

Now there's a woman who should be sacked on the spot. I wonder if she's entirely forgotten the whole purpose of child protection.

Original poster
Kickpot · 22/10/2026 09:44

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 22/10/2026 09:01

Initially, the social worker advised us to send my nephew back with my sister and partner as "best case scenario they would not do it again and worst case scenario we could gather more evidence of the abuse"

Now there's a woman who should be sacked on the spot. I wonder if she's entirely forgotten the whole purpose of child protection.

We tried complaining. We tried speaking to her supervisor. It's all logged but certainly has made it difficult to trust her judgement and advice.

OP posts:
Pumpkinsaregrowingnicely · 22/10/2026 12:12

Your dsis should be doing prison time not going for coffee and to nail salons.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 22/10/2026 12:21

Kickpot · 22/10/2026 09:44

We tried complaining. We tried speaking to her supervisor. It's all logged but certainly has made it difficult to trust her judgement and advice.

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Yes.

I'd say be very careful - unfortunately bad social workers like this have been known to turn everything back on the person they're supposed to be helping and supporting, and make things much worse in the end. I'm sorry to say, don't just mistrust her advice, but watch your backs.

(As I say, I've also worked with outstanding social workers - not all are bad by a very long shot. But the bad ones are just that, very bad).

Arran2024 · 22/10/2026 13:10

Just wanted to add that not every mal-treated child is removed. Social workers are supposed to help families stay together. As an adopter, I and fellow adopters are often astonished by what social services will tolerate. Often it takes some particularly catastrophic incident to set the wheels in motion to remove a child, but even then they will try to find ways back in many cases

My adopted children were removed along with other siblings but the notes show how desperate social services were to help the parents. They all went to live in a residential centre for 3 months while social workers tried to teach the parents what to do (with no luck as it happened,). They did have some older children returned to them (that didn't last either).

Anyway the point is that they won't necessarily treat what the birth parents did with the kind of response you might expect.

Intent is important to social services. If they think they are loving parents who misunderstood discipline and autism they might want to work with them to retrain them.

Basically OP they may have a different perspective from you, OP.

It would be useful to see what the social services plan is, if they have completed one. Is their goal rehabilitation of birth parents and therefore reconciliation?

Original poster
Kickpot · 22/10/2026 13:34

Arran2024 · 22/10/2026 13:10

Just wanted to add that not every mal-treated child is removed. Social workers are supposed to help families stay together. As an adopter, I and fellow adopters are often astonished by what social services will tolerate. Often it takes some particularly catastrophic incident to set the wheels in motion to remove a child, but even then they will try to find ways back in many cases

My adopted children were removed along with other siblings but the notes show how desperate social services were to help the parents. They all went to live in a residential centre for 3 months while social workers tried to teach the parents what to do (with no luck as it happened,). They did have some older children returned to them (that didn't last either).

Anyway the point is that they won't necessarily treat what the birth parents did with the kind of response you might expect.

Intent is important to social services. If they think they are loving parents who misunderstood discipline and autism they might want to work with them to retrain them.

Basically OP they may have a different perspective from you, OP.

It would be useful to see what the social services plan is, if they have completed one. Is their goal rehabilitation of birth parents and therefore reconciliation?

If my sister can prove that setting up a camera before taunting, yelling, swearing, pinching, shoving, hair pulling, shaking or slapping a preschool aged child is simply misunderstood discipline then I will be shocked. If she can explain away the things he told us her partner did during bath time as "not knowing how to handle an autistic child" I will be shocked. If they can give a reasonable explanation as to why my 5 year old nephew believes if a door closes then he will never get out until he is "sorry" or why he believes car boots are where naughty children go, I will be shocked.

I expect social services to take this case seriously. I don't think I'm unreasonable in that expectation. I expect my sister and her partner to receive punishment, not free nail appointments or cappuccinos. I expect the priority of everyone involved to be my nephew and his wellbeing.

I am not naive. Nothing about what social services do shocks me anymore. Oddly they never push back all that hard when we say no to their nonsensical requests, almost as though the things they ask of us are not actually acceptable.

My nephew will not be returned to his mother because we will not allow it.

OP posts:
Minasama · 22/10/2026 13:37

Hadenough32 · 21/10/2026 21:05

In our area in the uk the parents get a solicitor, an advocate, any help from charities who provide them with rehab, therapies, personal assistants etc. The child's social worker is also responsible for ensuring parents have access to medical help again eg for drugs or mental health during assessments.
After court proceedings of child doesn't return home parents still retain contact with child's social worker. And our sgo team provide them with a dedicated worker, mental health support in form of counselling over the phone and free legal advice. Also pays for them to do parenting and other such courses despite the fact that they no longer parent the child. Lots of charities fall for the sob stories about how desperate they are to see their child and how we have stopped it. We didn't they stopped turning up. Probably 5 x a year I'm emailed or phoned by someone acting on their behalf saying how they want to see their son. I say yes if child agrees and ask then to send letters to start things off and they never do. Then a new support worker tries again etc etc.
When my child needs physical therapy or play therapy because of what they did to him I pay privately or join the nhs queue. No support for the victim just the abusers.

Show quote history

This is really quite annoying to read.

Minasama · 22/10/2026 13:38

Kickpot · 22/10/2026 13:34

If my sister can prove that setting up a camera before taunting, yelling, swearing, pinching, shoving, hair pulling, shaking or slapping a preschool aged child is simply misunderstood discipline then I will be shocked. If she can explain away the things he told us her partner did during bath time as "not knowing how to handle an autistic child" I will be shocked. If they can give a reasonable explanation as to why my 5 year old nephew believes if a door closes then he will never get out until he is "sorry" or why he believes car boots are where naughty children go, I will be shocked.

I expect social services to take this case seriously. I don't think I'm unreasonable in that expectation. I expect my sister and her partner to receive punishment, not free nail appointments or cappuccinos. I expect the priority of everyone involved to be my nephew and his wellbeing.

I am not naive. Nothing about what social services do shocks me anymore. Oddly they never push back all that hard when we say no to their nonsensical requests, almost as though the things they ask of us are not actually acceptable.

My nephew will not be returned to his mother because we will not allow it.

Show quote history

Car boots?!? That is so awful. I am so sorry OP. I hope the authorities act appropriately here.

Minasama · 22/10/2026 13:41

Kickpot · 22/10/2026 06:40

I don't really want to get into a discussion about taxes here. I see your point but realistically campaigning for that is not going to help my nephew in this current situation, and he is my priority.

I do not curse all social workers, I am certain there are excellent ones out there who truly want to do a good job. I don't believe we have met one of those yet. And, sadly, when they get it wrong it leads to children being injured or worse so, yes, I will curse them every time they get it wrong. Initially, the social worker advised us to send my nephew back with my sister and partner as "best case scenario they would not do it again and worst case scenario we could gather more evidence of the abuse". You don't need a crystal ball to see how nonsensical that is - allowing him to be frightened and injured further. She didn't see why that was categorically never going to be something we allowed.
Since then, I'm yet to see her demonstrate any real competence so, yes, I curse her.

Show quote history

These are the people who let thousands of vulnerable young girls be abused by those rape gangs for years and years. Though we must also remember that it was a social worker who blew the whistle and campaigned to stop it.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 22/10/2026 13:47

@Kickpot I want to preface what I say next by saying that in no way whatsoever is your sister's behaviour, or her partner's, acceptable.

Is it possible that they simply couldn't handle the challenges that come with autism, and things spiralled out of control and she simply got carried away with the social media thing too, and things got worse and worse? It does happen.

Having said that, the out-of-the-blue accusation of your children being abused by you points to something having become actively malicious at some point.

Original poster
Kickpot · 22/10/2026 13:55

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 22/10/2026 13:47

@Kickpot I want to preface what I say next by saying that in no way whatsoever is your sister's behaviour, or her partner's, acceptable.

Is it possible that they simply couldn't handle the challenges that come with autism, and things spiralled out of control and she simply got carried away with the social media thing too, and things got worse and worse? It does happen.

Having said that, the out-of-the-blue accusation of your children being abused by you points to something having become actively malicious at some point.

The boyfriend enters the picture and, as a couple, they decide they can no longer handle the autism and their response is to inflict verbal, emotional and physical abuse on the child for 3 years? They thought it was the only way to handle the autism, but they never used those strategies outside of their house and ensure it is kept secret from their family? Does that happen?

I don't have any autistic children, but I don't believe it is reasonable.

Keeping in mind he was 2.5 years old when the first video was captured. In the last video he was 4 years old and he asked to go to nana's door.

OP posts:
ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 22/10/2026 14:09

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Original poster
Kickpot · 22/10/2026 14:27

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It sounds a lot like you're excusing it. I'm finding your responses really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kickpot · 22/10/2026 14:28

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He asked to go to Nana's door (meaning my parents house) because they had held his arms behind his back and repeatedly slapped him in the face.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kickpot · 22/10/2026 14:30

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Post withdrawn at author's request

And I'd like to make it very clear that I blame my sister and her partner in equal measure. The videos (that I have seen) started when she met him. I'm not certain I believe that's when the abuse started.

OP posts:
ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 22/10/2026 14:46

Kickpot · 22/10/2026 14:27

It sounds a lot like you're excusing it. I'm finding your responses really uncomfortable.

Show quote history

Im not.

Im sorry if that wasnt clear.

Having a degree of understanding how something can happen is VERY different from thinking it's ok.

I can understand how someone, in a moment of anger under enoughprovocation from an adult, can loose their temper and hit someone. Far less so when it's a child. That does not mean it's alright.

Please do not mistake some degree of perception with condoning a crime.

Original poster
Kickpot · 22/10/2026 14:55

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 22/10/2026 14:46

Im not.

Im sorry if that wasnt clear.

Having a degree of understanding how something can happen is VERY different from thinking it's ok.

I can understand how someone, in a moment of anger under enoughprovocation from an adult, can loose their temper and hit someone. Far less so when it's a child. That does not mean it's alright.

Please do not mistake some degree of perception with condoning a crime.

Edited
Show quote history

But that is not what I have described at all.

Do you have an understanding how a mother can, on many many occasions, position her phone and turn on the camera and then stand her small child in front of it and hit him and then stand back while her partner also hits him? Do you have an understanding of how those same adults can lock a child in the boot of their car, or how they can hold his head under water in the bath, or how they wake him in the night by screaming in his face? I do not understand that. I cannot find a single explanation for that behaviour that is acceptable.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 22/10/2026 14:55

Minasama · 22/10/2026 13:37

This is really quite annoying to read.

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Sadly this is pretty common... Loads of services throwb at abusers little to the victims...

Arran2024 · 22/10/2026 15:07

Kickpot · 22/10/2026 14:55

But that is not what I have described at all.

Do you have an understanding how a mother can, on many many occasions, position her phone and turn on the camera and then stand her small child in front of it and hit him and then stand back while her partner also hits him? Do you have an understanding of how those same adults can lock a child in the boot of their car, or how they can hold his head under water in the bath, or how they wake him in the night by screaming in his face? I do not understand that. I cannot find a single explanation for that behaviour that is acceptable.

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No one is saying your sister and her partner haven't behaved appallingly. I don't want to detail what my girls' birth parents did to them, but it was awful and still they got them back - the LA did realise that the birth parents couldn't manage and so they sent them all to a special house where the sws lived next door and came in and tried to teach them what to do. And it was a disaster. And still two of the older children went back.

I am simply trying to alert you. You say that the sw is being very friendly towards your sister - you need to understand how things can go and be ready just in case.

This is a good explanation of how local authorities are expected to proceed. https://www.localgovernmentlawyer.co.uk/child-protection/392-children-protection-news/100574-local-authorities-will-have-new-statutory-duties-in-relation-to-family-group-decision-making-from-summer-2026-government-announces

Btw even in adoption, the Gov has decreed more direct contact with birth family.

Local authorities will have new statutory duties in relation to Family Group Decision Making from summer 2026, Government announces

https://www.localgovernmentlawyer.co.uk/child-protection/392-children-protection-news/100574-local-authorities-will-have-new-statutory-duties-in-relation-to-family-group-decision-making-from-summer-2026-government-announces

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