My sister has been hurting her son

Please, please listen to @Hadenough32

Taking notes and summarizing can be an absolute lifesaver.

What agency does this person work for? The coffees, lunches, and especially the nail appointment seem very odd to me. Admittedly I don't know much about how the child protection system works, legally or from a social work perspective, in the UK (I'm in the US), but that level of personal, as opposed to professional involvement, seems really strange to me.

I think that itbis more complicated than that. I have two adopted children whocwere neglected/abused up to removal by social services aged 6 months and 2 years old. The younger one was more badly affected even though she was there for less time. They both startle and panic at the slightest hint of danger - it seems to be hard wired into them.

Yes, it is complex and in some cases the damage at even 6 months will be life long. Unfortunately.

However, in many many cases the damage can be healed either partially or almost completely.

OP you have already seen the need and stepped up in the best way you can. I gulped a little at the description of you on FaceTime whilst he plays. Will it help at all if I tell you that my DS’s remote auntie did likewise when he experienced life changing trauma and they are,
now he’s 19 and can travel to her, the absolute best friends. He adores her.

Navigating social services is an utter minefield. My son’s SW insisted that contact with his father would be a good thing. We swallowed it down week after week for a year until a custodial sentence was passed down. The experience was horrific. Sit in a room for x long and make nice with a person that has literally turned a young life to shit. I’m still ashamed to tell you I had to ask trusted friends to step in and be with DS for fear I’d do something I’d regret even more. They are also still extremely upset at having to do something that was so unspeakably wrong for a child they loved.

im in awe of that teacher. I work in schools and you live in the shadow of missing the tricks of an abuser. They are so cunning and walk in plain sight.

Grandparents, such as your nephews, are his touchstone now. Made worse for them that their own child has done something so unspeakably awful. Know this though, the enduring relationship between them and your nephew will shape him in ways you currently cannot imagine, but from my own experience will absolutely change his little life and the adult he will be.

I wish you all nothing but love and hope for the future. It does get better. It just takes a long time. It is worth it I promise.

The problem is that there is no way of preventing them having more children.

New partners are such a danger to children.

You've missed the point I was making! ... At no point did i say they needed to be 'let off'.

There are many issues in the prison /remand system tjat fails people....

We need to prioritise the most dangerous offenders....

Both points are true... However, the families who have more kids are flagged up on the system... Even if they move area they are traced hopefully...

New partners are a potential source of danger, but equally so are biological relatives.

Everyone should keep an eye open for kids' welfare.

yes, being on the radar is why Victoria Marten's parents went on the run.

It can be very difficult to flag the men though. Often the women don't let anyone know of a new relationship- partly due to DWP rules - and if these men move to a new local authority, social services may not know about them.

Hi OP, just lit a candle thinking of you, your nephew and parents. Hats off to you for being there, and to the teacher who noticed.

It's a terrible shock, isn't it. Different situation I know, but - I learned some months ago that my daughter was assaulted, years ago at age eight, by the estranged husband of my godmother. I'd known this man for over thirty years; I thought him a rare failure of judgment by her, but I'd never in a million years have imagined this.

Now I'm wondering - was the man I knew thirty years ago already this utter bastard? What changed? Why didn't I see it, why didn't I, why? You have to live with that bewilderment. Don't drive yourself mad, OP, you're doing a lot to help. Here's hoping you find ways to be there for your mother from afar.

This is totally disgusting. Why on earth would it be in a child’s best interest to see a parent that had been abusing them. It makes no sense at all it’s a disgrace. Reading these stories you really do wonder why the system is rigged in the favour of the abusers and to what benefit. It’s a total shit show. These poor children having to see the parents. Adults aren’t forced to spend time with abusers just because they are related to them - why are children. So sad.

And you’re surprised about that?
Since when ‘giving people a shake’ by being unkind is helping? The old ‘but I’m just being direct’ MN trope has never worked in RL.

You could have said exactly what you’ve said and avoided hurting someine who is clearly wanting to help and devastated about the abuse her nephew has received. Compassion goes a long way.

It's done that way because they figure if the person sees them as a friend there more likely to disclose information they wouldn't normally tell a worker that's going to snitch on them and get them in trouble 🙂 my disability worker does the same we go for coffee and lunches because I'll talk more in a less formal setting

your sister is awful. you must be absolutely reeling trying to figure out who this person is. what was she like before all this came out?

on another note, the child's social work team should be arranging a family group conference and your parents ought to speak to a solicitor and instruct them to demand special guardianship payments- they ought to have the same status as foster carers.

shocking. i am horrified. unforts its the court that dictates contact which is heavily backed up by the law. but in this case, hey would have to arrest me. there is no way as a social worker that i would be facilitating contact here. so damaging. beggers belief.

i am really confused. is this in the UK? how does she have a social worker? you have to be really very mentally unwell or significantly disabled. does the little man not have an allocated social worker as a consequence of the abuse? much more needs to be done to support your nephew and you parents.

In our area in the uk the parents get a solicitor, an advocate, any help from charities who provide them with rehab, therapies, personal assistants etc. The child's social worker is also responsible for ensuring parents have access to medical help again eg for drugs or mental health during assessments.
After court proceedings of child doesn't return home parents still retain contact with child's social worker. And our sgo team provide them with a dedicated worker, mental health support in form of counselling over the phone and free legal advice. Also pays for them to do parenting and other such courses despite the fact that they no longer parent the child. Lots of charities fall for the sob stories about how desperate they are to see their child and how we have stopped it. We didn't they stopped turning up. Probably 5 x a year I'm emailed or phoned by someone acting on their behalf saying how they want to see their son. I say yes if child agrees and ask then to send letters to start things off and they never do. Then a new support worker tries again etc etc.
When my child needs physical therapy or play therapy because of what they did to him I pay privately or join the nhs queue. No support for the victim just the abusers.

This sounds so difficult for your family, something similar just happened to a friend of mine where they found out about family abuse.

terrible. it does feel so unfair. so much of the whole system relies on good graces, usually of women.

Is your nephew diagnosed autistic with an EHCP? Does he attend mainstream or SEN school? I ask this to ascertain the level of support your parents are likely to receive and not to question your statement.
Hopefully, your parents will remain as carers for your nephew. It is worth looking at the difference between an SGO (special guardianship order) and kinship foster care. The former does not class as a looked after child, the latter does.
If your nephew is likely to require pupil premium (additional funding) then he will benefit from being a LAC.
An EHCP would enable his carers to formally request things like counselling, therapy etc and as a LAC there is likely to be funding. This would also cover things like free school meals, which may be helpful.
On another note, my relative died young leaving a baby who was cared for by their granparent who was in their 60s and fit and healthy. 10 years is a long time and things change. They are now in their 70s with a range of illnesses and ailments raising a pre teen and it is not easy.
I wish you and your family all the best. Your sister is a monster but that is not your fault.