My sister has been hurting her son

Glad it was helpful. And no it’s not selfish - no one can imagine exactly what their feelings would be in response to a horrific, unforeseeable situation like this, and it’s not like you’re trying to dump those feelings on those in the trenches with this; you’re just trying to get a handle on it all.

Good luck to you all in supporting your poor wee DN, I hope he’s surrounded by the safety and love he deserves from here on in. 💐

I can't imagine how awful this is for you and your parents OP. It's unthinkable that your own sister could do this to a child, and allow her partner to abuse her child also.

Right now it's all very new and raw, and you're overthinking all the negative aspects of what's happened. Take some time to overthink the positives - your nephew is safe with your parents. He's loved. He's being nurtured. He has you, his teacher and others advocating for him. He will no longer be shouted at, hurt or abused. His life may have started badly, but his future now looks a whole lot brighter. It will take a long time to come to terms with. Maybe some counselling for your parents and yourself would help, to talk through the trauma and help process it?

Thank god that poor little baby has a wonderful extended family. I can’t even imagine how you and your parents etc must feel

Mother to an adopted child here. Almost all children adopted in the UK in 2026 come from this type of background, with or without the direct influence of alcohol and drugs in the mix, so I understand quite a lot about this situation (sadly). I've come to this thread late so just a few points to offer. First, your nephew is, relatively speaking, one of the slightly luckier ones. His teacher has cared enough to notice the signs and take action, and in his family he has at least 3 people who love him including grandparents prepared to parent him. By by the best life chances for him will come if he is looked after by family members who can be 'good enough' (it's actually the official social services term) parents.

There is a strong bias in the system towards keeping children with their birth families wherever possible (and supporting birth families to enable this) for many good reasons - even where the parenting is not 'ideal' keeping the family together is generally much better for the child/ren long term. It's also cheaper... However it does seem pretty unlikely in this case. If the child has been removed from birth parents via Court Order (and is just placed with grandparents by social services on an interim basis at the moment) then you can be reassured that the bar is high for him to be returned to birth parents (or in this case, birth mum). She'd have to prove significant change, which in this case would probably mean ditching the man, making it very clear she understood how bad what she'd done was, showing remorse, engaging in parenting courses and other resources and showing a long term (many months/ years) pattern of behaving differently and coping better in supervised contact situations.

The one thing I will tell you is to please, please tell your parents that whilst they are looking after their grandson and well before any permanent Order is made (e.g. Adoption Order, Special Guardianship Order) in their favour, they must ensure Social Services complete full needs assessments to ensure they get the support they need. To be honest whilst he might well have always been going to have an autism diagnosis, developmental trauma from neglect and abuse mimics and overlaps with the symptoms of various neurodivergent conditions and it's only specialists who are able to see where one begins and the other ends. Your nephew may need any or all of, specialist play therapy, sensory integration, occupational therapy, speech and language therapy (and the list goes on) and once Social Services find a permanent home for a child the support waved in front of you is not there without a huge fight and a long wait. Every child deserves better. So my advce for you, if you want to help out more directly, is to start joining UK based Facebook groups for adoption and special guardianship advice and support, adn start learning about this subject to ensure that ultimately, wherever he ends up living, your nephew and broader family get the support they need.

At this point, given how much you're telling the OP what to do, I'm wondering why you yourself aren't getting involved and offering your personal help to the OP.

Or getting involved with politics to persuade people to pay more taxes so genuine support for SEN exists. Or getting directly involved with parents who need support near you.

It would be so much more helpful than spending time berating the OP and telling her what to do and how dreadful it all is.

Contact this group - it helps kinship carers

frg.org.uk/

I suggest you read the entire thread. OP and I are fine, ive apologised to her.

And actually I would be more than happy to help the OP personally if she needed it.

And if you had bothered to read the whole thread (which you clearly haven't) then you'd see Im applying to be a foster carer. Precisely to help kids who have been abused.

But it says a lot about you that you've chosen to make this kind of comment. Don't assume people don't actively help just because perhaps you dont.

Why they want him with them now is beyond me

@Kickpot Its simple. Money.

They will have claimed UC with the uplift due to him being disabled which presumably they have now lost (and if they havent then that needs reporting) plus any PIP/DLA award and child benefit. Your mum and dad should be receiving all of that, and if they aren't then that can be a practical thing you can help them with. The DLA is your nephews money, it is just paid to his carer when he is under 18 so if your sister is still getting it then that is legally fraud and morally theft. Also, you sister may be claiming carers allowance especially if she doesnt work. So that is a lot of money that they will have lost, hundreds a month, possibly over a thousand if he has a higher rate of DLA awarded.

ETA....further thought if they are claiming housing benefit it may affect that too (not sure how that works) , and if in social housing then they are now "over housed" and may be subject to the bedroom tax. This will all be about money, I am sure of it.

Gosh this is appalling. Thank goodness he has decent family members that keep him safe.

I am wondering whether your sister has a drug problem, is herself the victim of abuse from her partner, or if there is another reason she has behaved like this and perhaps she needs help?

Doesnt surprise me at all, but like you it does disgust me.

The fact is that your nephew was their little cash cow and now they have lost that significant income stream. Do either of them work?

I just want to echo this. Both my adopted DC have traits that could easily be confused with autism, but is in fact neglect and trauma based.

Have you told her how you feel? im guessing she wouldn’t care. She sounds monstrous.

I’ve read lots of good advice on the thread so I won’t add to it but wanted to send my thoughts that you and your parents are amazing! And I’ve been left in tears at the thought of this little boy.

That will be it then. She has little or no income and he is refusing to share his income with her so she wants DN back rather than get a job.

I feel as you do, desperately hoping that it goes the way it should and the wee one stays with your Mum and Dad.

@Kickpot

Your financial support will help a lot - getting specialised therapy will really make a long term difference.

your parents need to make sure it's a therapist specialized in both autism and in trauma. I really can't emphasise this enough - people with autism often respond differently to treatment than NT people and the wrong sort of therapy can actually make things worse.

In fact trauma itself can be hard to treat, and the combination of the two really does mean that a highly trained and experienced therapist is needed.

Im so glad that this abuse was detected now, and not later.

The other thing is that it's probably essential that once the right therapist is found, that you stay with him or her. Change, once a bond is built, will be extremely difficult for your nephew.

Fucking hell. Evil truly walks among us doesn’t it?! Did she really not show any vindictive signs as kids, minor bullying etc? If not I’d def say drugs are involved.

Sadly people change under the influence of a malign partner, sometimes out of all recognition.

I've come to the conclusion that there are very few people who will really stand up for their principles no matter what. It takes a lot.