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I just don’t want to do secret Santa!

448 replies

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:06

Just a little rant!

SIL has asked again this year to do secret Santa for the whole family - third year in a row after being turned down the previous two years. The first year we said it wasn’t our thing thanks but no thanks, last year we just said oh well we’ve started buying presents already - I’m trying to be polite and non confrontational but she either will not get the message that we aren’t interested or simply doesn’t care and wants to push what she wants anyway. This year it was in a group chat so even more awkward.

I just don’t want to do it. It doesn’t fit in with your we finance Christmas, and I find the idea generally joyless and miserable. I enjoy choosing presents and wrapping them up nicely for people - I don’t want to select an item from an approved list and have everyone spend the same (may as well just buy something for yourself).

The thing is I could not give less of a shit if she and BIL don’t want to buy us Christmas presents because of money or laziness or whatever else, I just don’t want to be told who I can and can’t buy presents for and have the joy of choosing taken away from me. I’m really happy for people to just please themselves and spend whatever they feel
comfortable but it’s causing drama.

It’s not even like we are one of these massive families where some kind of arrangement (not secret Santa though please!) to keep costs down would make sense - it’s just 3 couples and a baby!

OP posts:
concertinacornflake · 17/10/2026 12:08

Why is your way the right way? The compromise would be to alternate at least.

RaininSummer · 17/10/2026 12:10

I do things your way OP but I think you need to consider that she may be suggesting this because of finances as cheaper to do secret Santa. You may putting her in a difficult position.

WannabeMathematician · 17/10/2026 12:11

Just say “I don’t want to do secret Santa, I like buying presents and all the stuff around it. It makes me happy. You don’t have to reciprocate if it’s not for you”

There done!

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:11

concertinacornflake · 17/10/2026 12:08

Why is your way the right way? The compromise would be to alternate at least.

It’s not - apart from that it is the status quo. As I said in my OP I don’t care if they get us presents or not so there’s no need to alternate we can just please ourselves.

OP posts:
YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:11

WannabeMathematician · 17/10/2026 12:11

Just say “I don’t want to do secret Santa, I like buying presents and all the stuff around it. It makes me happy. You don’t have to reciprocate if it’s not for you”

There done!

I tried that!

OP posts:
Walkerzoo · 17/10/2026 12:12

She is short of money.

Can you all not .... Communicate and set a limit or something....

cartagenagina · 17/10/2026 12:12

Send @WannabeMathematician message on the group chat.

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:12

RaininSummer · 17/10/2026 12:10

I do things your way OP but I think you need to consider that she may be suggesting this because of finances as cheaper to do secret Santa. You may putting her in a difficult position.

Possibly apart from they are free to do token gifts or no gifts at all. We don’t spend a lot of money.

OP posts:
Seagulldancing · 17/10/2026 12:13

Buy what you like, but it will cause disharmony. Maybe she doesn't like your carefully selected presents, maybe she doesn't want to spend money of gifts but feels she has to?

AndSoFinally · 17/10/2026 12:13

Have you told them you’re happy for them not to buy you anything?

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:14

Walkerzoo · 17/10/2026 12:12

She is short of money.

Can you all not .... Communicate and set a limit or something....

I would be perfectly happy to have a conversation around spending at Christmas or another arrangement and suggested that the first year.

I think it’s more cba to think of presents than money tbh!

OP posts:
MissingMeadow · 17/10/2026 12:14

I feel a bit sorry for her. Of course she can't just not get you anything, that would be awkward.

Can you not just try it for one year?

WillyCroakit · 17/10/2026 12:15

One way to solve it is an inappropriate present . Will she ask again when Bob gets a but plug 😳.

Could make for interesting xmas day chit chat x

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 17/10/2026 12:15

You’re creating an obligation for her to expand emotional energy and money on something she doesn’t want to.

You say she doesn’t have to reciprocate, but that’s very difficult for her to do in practice.

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:15

MissingMeadow · 17/10/2026 12:14

I feel a bit sorry for her. Of course she can't just not get you anything, that would be awkward.

Can you not just try it for one year?

I’ve tried it before - I don’t like it. Joyless. Nobody else is keen to do it either.

OP posts:
MeowDoku · 17/10/2026 12:15

Maybe she doesn't want the presents you buy?

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:16

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 17/10/2026 12:15

You’re creating an obligation for her to expand emotional energy and money on something she doesn’t want to.

You say she doesn’t have to reciprocate, but that’s very difficult for her to do in practice.

Why I am creating obligation rather than she trying to force a new way of doing things that is not wanted?

OP posts:
YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:16

MeowDoku · 17/10/2026 12:15

Maybe she doesn't want the presents you buy?

Then she’s free to give them away isn’t she

OP posts:
Choccyp1g · 17/10/2026 12:17

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:06

Just a little rant!

SIL has asked again this year to do secret Santa for the whole family - third year in a row after being turned down the previous two years. The first year we said it wasn’t our thing thanks but no thanks, last year we just said oh well we’ve started buying presents already - I’m trying to be polite and non confrontational but she either will not get the message that we aren’t interested or simply doesn’t care and wants to push what she wants anyway. This year it was in a group chat so even more awkward.

I just don’t want to do it. It doesn’t fit in with your we finance Christmas, and I find the idea generally joyless and miserable. I enjoy choosing presents and wrapping them up nicely for people - I don’t want to select an item from an approved list and have everyone spend the same (may as well just buy something for yourself).

The thing is I could not give less of a shit if she and BIL don’t want to buy us Christmas presents because of money or laziness or whatever else, I just don’t want to be told who I can and can’t buy presents for and have the joy of choosing taken away from me. I’m really happy for people to just please themselves and spend whatever they feel
comfortable but it’s causing drama.

It’s not even like we are one of these massive families where some kind of arrangement (not secret Santa though please!) to keep costs down would make sense - it’s just 3 couples and a baby!

You could do a limited Secret Santa. Draw one person out a hat, they buy a present for her, she buys one for them.
Everyone else carries on as normal.

Even the person who was drawn, so if they normally spend say £20 per person, that's what she gets, and they buy the usual presents for everyone else.
Nobody else buys one for her.
Thus she gets what she wants, buys one present, gets one present. If she wants a bigger present, she can buy it for herself, with all the money she has saved.

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:17

But it’s less about buying presents for her specifically and more than I don’t want to not be able to buy presents for other family
members because she has decided that’s what’s happening

OP posts:
YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:18

Choccyp1g · 17/10/2026 12:17

You could do a limited Secret Santa. Draw one person out a hat, they buy a present for her, she buys one for them.
Everyone else carries on as normal.

Even the person who was drawn, so if they normally spend say £20 per person, that's what she gets, and they buy the usual presents for everyone else.
Nobody else buys one for her.
Thus she gets what she wants, buys one present, gets one present. If she wants a bigger present, she can buy it for herself, with all the money she has saved.

Not a bad suggestion!

OP posts:
Choccyp1g · 17/10/2026 12:18

Oh NOOOO! I've quoted the OP. Sorry about that, I was so delighted at my solution, I dived in without reading anything else.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 17/10/2026 12:18

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:16

Why I am creating obligation rather than she trying to force a new way of doing things that is not wanted?

Not wanted by you.

And you say she can simply not buy anything in return, yet you are fighting back on that here.

Katastrophyy · 17/10/2026 12:19

Why is it 2026 and the womenfolk are still sludging up your brains with this shit?
Tell your dp to talk to his brother and let them sort gifts

SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes · 17/10/2026 12:19

YANBU this would not spark joy with me at all and it sounds like she's trying to change a system that has been in place for years?

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