I just don’t want to do secret Santa!

I lm going to say it again but seriously why are you so he’ll bent on doing something with your husbands side of the family? If my sister suggested this and my partner was acting like you I’d find it bizarre! It’s not a hill to die on with in laws

It’s not her husband’s sister, both the women are married to the two brothers.

So it’s a couple, their two sons, and both daughter’s in law.

But it’s just a suggestion. Buy whatever you want for them.

Here's an idea. Your family carries on as normal and for her/BIL's side of family donate the price of the secret santa presents to something charitable. Maybe a local soup kitchen which provides meals for the homeless on Christmas Day.

No one can tell you that. Just do the secret Santa, agree that it’s to be a generic list of themes and then buy whatever you want for whoever you want on top. If the in-laws want to be traditional then still swap gifts with them anyway. Doing secret Santa doesn’t freeze your bank account. Just say ‘here’s your secret Santa gift’ when you all do the swap and then go about your day as normal (but obviously don’t buy for SIL and partner unless you pull their name).

We do secret Santa at work but the colleagues I’m closest to still swap presents with each other as we’re all good friends. It’s separate to the secret Santa and one doesn’t having any bearing on the other.

Its not difficult. Say you dont want to join in but you aren't stopping anyone else. But maybe try be a little nicer than on this post and say that if some of the family are feeling the pinch financially you wont be offended if they don't buy for you.
You could suggest they just buy for the kids and not adults perhaps

Ah well that wasn't said in her OP, so I didn't realise. I've just looked at all of OP's replies and it's a significant way before she mentions that.

Just a thought but maybe they don't want lots of small useless gifts. We do it as a family because a) we don't want anything really and the things we do want are bigger/ more practical things or tickets etc. b) we're all very environmentally conscious and don't want to create unnecessary waste / consumerism by having all the small gifts and c) it's much more cost effective for everyone. We don't include kids in the secret Santa (she's too little really and the only one!) so, as grown ups, we're all happy with this arrangement. And we provide a list but I normally don't have any wants so I ask for a surprise anyway! Whereas my husband always has a long list of specific books he wants and he hates getting random things so he always writes a list.

We do it in ours - when the family expands to partners and kids, you’ll wish you did it.
we now just buy for kids, we’ve tried secret Santa and charity shop for eco purposes but again it becomes landfill.

We’ve now opted for a gift we’d usually buy ourselves so my IL’s got us Bombay S gin (we’d buy when on offer but usually buy cheaper day-to-day) and we bought them limoncello. You could do swaps for a meal out.
i still get the ladies a little trinket stocking filler as I enjoy buying even though I can’t afford.

i get you think it’s joyless but Christmas without kids really is.

I had no idea anyone did secret Santa beyond the office!

Just tell her no. It's ridiculous. I would just ignore her. If my SIL tried to dictate what I bought for my parents, I would just find it really controlling, joyless and bizarre. (Though that's the last thing my SIL would do!)

She can do what she wants but she can't tell other people what to do. So if she wants a list for you to buy from for her, fine. If she wants to arrange this between her and other family members then ok. But she cannot tell your husband's parents not to buy personal gifts for their own kids and grandkids or your family.

Just be like Alan Partridge with the mini metro thing. "I'm not doing a secret Santa, I'm not doing a secret Santa etc"

It's quite common from chatting to my friends and colleagues, especially when there are children and multiple family members.

We agreed to buy the children gifts and do secret santa for the adults. It makes christmas more affordable for us all, and also means, from an environmental point of view, we don't just consume more and create more waste.

We don't provide lists to each other, unless someone wants something specific.

"But she cannot tell your husband's parents not to buy personal gifts for their own kids and grandkids or your family." - she is not doing this - she is suggesting secret santa - not banning people from buying presents. If people want to buy presents over and above the secret santa, they can.

Quiet normal in families- majority of friends and families do it. There is apps to assign names and add lists etc. Its great i think
People are saying dont like buying off a list or why cant the just buy from themselves then - the likes of my mother or sister would be able to buy for themselves but they dont they are the short of people who will always spend on others, like my sis goes to buy a dress for herself - which she needs - but now comes back with no dress but loads for the kids or something happens and the money gone on something else - so will ask for the dress or the voucher to buy the dress

every response is deflected back to 'oh but SIL...' like a small child. No self reflection at all.

Also everything must be done exactly as the OP wants it otherwise it's "joyless" and/or "utterly miserable" as they politely called a PP!

I have never heard of it outside of workplaces. Nobody I know does it, I'm sure. Maybe it's a younger generation thing. I really don't get it. I wouldn't be getting on board with apps and stuff.

To me, gift giving is about thinking about what a loved one would like and enjoying their reaction to it. I really don't understand this approach and the fact everyone in the family has to agree to it.

Sympathies @YouMustBeTheWeasleys ...I wouldn't like it either.

well there are a good few people have said the do it on 18 pages of this post and their reasons why
You say this "gift giving is about thinking about what a loved one would like and enjoying their reaction to it." what happens if you haven't bought what a loved one would like and their reaction is fake ? how do you really know they love it

Our families love it as it ensures they get what they want and need - i dont need more mugs ( hint to my sil from previous presents i have got from her nor table matts that i don't need nor match my decor ) so given to me fake smile plastered on my face then put in a bag to give to charity shop or sell on vinted.
Its been done for years in families i know and its most definitely not a younger generation things - everyone agrees to it as ensures gets waht they want stops wasteful buying

@Wexone Ok, if it's a thing, then it's a thing, I believe you. It's not a thing anyone I know does outside of work and I wouldn't like it.

I like presents that I don't necessarily want or need. I like the stupid things my friends buy me, because I love my friends and they make me laugh or it's from them so I appreciate it. I am genuinely grateful for anything.

I know if people don't like what I buy them because it will basically just be my sibling who will rudely ask "what did you get me that for? " But they will not tell you what they want nor will they appreciate a voucher so I just hope for the best 😆 Everyone else in my small circle is like me. Easy going and happy with whatever because the gift is from someone I love.

I understand the problem that people are trying to solve. But just because some people in my circle may buy slightly crap presents, still doesn't make me want to do it this way. Luckily I don't have to!

Also, this feels very AIBU.... It's not buy can't believe people are getting worked up!

I'm not sure if you're being deliberately obtuse, but it's quite clear that people are reacting to the OPs attitude, much the same as I think your way of wording things is having the same reaction.

The tone is quite patronising and saying it's ridiculous is effectively calling the (many) people who are involves in secret Santa ridiculous.

As always, with these posts, the issue is not that actual issue, it's the attitude and tone.

No, I'm not being obtuse at all. I haven't read 18 pages either. I just find it amazing how cross people get over something innocuous.

I can't control how other people perceive me. I'm just giving an opinion and an experience same as anyone else. I just happen to agree with @YouMustBeTheWeasleys.

No slight intended towards anyone. I don't think anyone has been particularly uppity towards me tbh, although I seem to have annoyed you! But if you want to call me patronising and obtuse then not a lot I can do about it. 🤷🏻

I said I found OP's situation ridiculous.

I think I said this already but good golly gumdrops....maybe every nuclear family just gifts each other, and you all get together without extended family gifts? Seems to me that may be what they're aiming at. Crazy I know :)

@SodOffbacktoaibu

I said I found OP's situation ridiculous.

Considering how easy it would be to solve it, yes it is ridiculous.

Edited - what have I done to the quote? It’s gone all black and blocky for me 🤔.

Ok. That's not how I meant it mind you.

Family dynamics are never that easy unless you're very lucky.