I just don’t want to do secret Santa!

Maybe she doesn’t like the tat you buy them and is fed up of regifting stuff she doesn’t want or need.

I don't know why any adults give other adults presents at Christmas apart from their partners
Brothers and sisters, no cousins no

And stop saying "no is a complete sentence@ it's such bollocks. It's not.

What difference does that make? The basic principle of requesting specific gifts is the same.

When she asks again next year just say” same answer as last year, no thank you” smile sweetly and change the subject, it’s what I do. Stand firm. Honestly it’s so liberating.

They are not free to do token gifts or no gifts at all. If one person is doing the 'buying for everyone and wrapping things like its a celebrity Instagram shoot' then its very difficult for another couple to buy nothing/ buy a small token gift. Surely you can see that

We all buy for the grandchildren only. Couples are welcome to buy presents between each other but we don't buy other adults anything . Absolutely fabulously liberating.

It’s your SIL, why is it up to you to sort out? It should be either your husband dealing with his sister, or your brother speaking to his wife. Personally, I think you are being unreasonable. Many are struggling financially atm, and buying unwanted presents is an unnecessary expense for most. As for a Secret Santa “list”, that sound a bit weird, although I don’t see why not if it works for the people doing it.
Speak to your husband/ brother and find out what THEY think about it.

Yes but I wouldn’t buy myself the £50 handbag as a matter of course. You can get bogged down in semantics all you like, it’s still a present.

I could be your SIL except for child ages. I have suggested SS or similar every year as absolutely hate the commercial elements of christmas: buying presents, wrapping etc. It is all far too time consuming and, after spending ages buying exactly what somebody has requested, always receive something that is going straight to the charity shop. The whole thing is ridiculously expensive, draining and most definitely not what Christmas should be about.
I love spending time with each other etc, but the gift element is the disappointing part.
Last year, we spent hundreds, far more than on ourselves. One of my SIL doesn't work and loves shopping, but buys stuff we'd never use. She is adamant that we cannot change to any of our suggestions: secret santa, token limit, gift lists...

I dislike SS and would feel exactly like you. Could you suggest that you all put it to a vote and she has to accept the outcome permanently?

Obviously at least ONE does 🙄

I'm with you OP, I HATE secret santa! There are some people I love buying for and others I find hard. I would hate to end up with the hard one and get no joy gifting. We do sometimes do a wish list in our family but if so, we will make it longer than the people wanting to buy for us so we don't know what we are getting or very small just as a back up in case people are struggling but with no expectation of it coming from the list. I do have a sister who hates presents, she's very minimalist and genuinely find its stressful to receive things so we agreed with her not to buy anything between us but still continue with the kids. None of the siblings/cousins buy her anything and she doesn't buy us anything but we buy for each other and that was her choice. Think its a bit sad but it definitely wasn't a money thing (shes the wealthiest of us all) and she's honestly happier with that so its fine. She never tried to dictate what the rest of us did though!

How wonderful to get one gift that you actually want instead of multiple things you have no want or need of. Have you never read the Christmas day threads on here where someone would have been delighted to get one thing they actually wanted rather than multiple bits of tat that they'll give away. My friend was sad when Debenhams and BHS closed because they were so useful for little gifts at Christmas. No they weren't. Its all crap. Id far rather say please could I have X rather than getting scented candles, a scarf or a box set of smellies.

It is a totally valid way everyone gets something they actually want while keeping some kind of family gift giving ritual. Not her fault you wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

In many senses (money, environment, results) it is better than your current model.

But if one person enjoys wrapping presents and making them look like an instagram shoot why shouldn’t they be allowed to do that? I choose a wrapping theme very carefully every year and spend a lot of time on it but I do it for me because I enjoy it and they look nice under my tree in the run up to Christmas - not for any other reason and the gifts themselves aren’t extravagant in the slightest
That is so cringe. You don't care abour recipients being happy, you care about insta tree at your home!

If it is three couples altogether and one is suggesting a change three years in row, maybe you could take a hint that the current model doesn't really work for this group.

You are moaning and sulking because she wants her own way... All while stomping your foot because you want your own way

Some people might prefer this so you can go all out on one person and actually get them something they want. The amount of times I've had candles / scarfs / hand cream etc because people (understandably) have a budget to stick to, but the £20 they spent on me was wasted, is sad. If they had £140 to spend on me I can imagine they could buy me something I would actually enjoy, so I absolutely see merit in the secret Santa system.
In this instance could you agree to the secret Santa thing for one year, on the understanding that you will also get some token gifts for all?
Fwiw we do secret Santa in my family on top of the usual gift buying. It started as a way to get my teens involved after they found out about father Xmas - we gave them £30 each to complete it obviously, they didn't need to use their own money. It started as just the 4 of us in my family, but my parents soon joined in too. It's now a tradition, and honestly one of the most exciting parts of Xmas day. We don't tend to write lists so everything is a surprise, and most things are Micky taking / non-serious. But it creates the best laughs.

We buy presents for one other couple. Each year they spend more and more on us, so the following year we have to spend more. It’s now up to £60. Money isn’t the issue. We have very different tastes. I seldom see anything that we have bought them again. I am trying to declutter. She loves shopping and spends hours on Etsy. I cba. I have tried to suggest alternatives over the years, secret Santa, only buying from a charity, only spending £5 per person. No, she likes buying things for people. Not buying for them is not an option. I hate the pseudo thanks and gratitude we have to express over the presents, especially when it’s being done to satisfy them, not us. OP, as others have said, why is your way the best way? Why should they be made to feel grateful because you wanted to massage your ego?

We had this, so suggested we put a limit of £5 each for adults and got something little. That would have meant a max of £25 spent.

The ones who were pushing it insisted, so we just said we'd continue as normal.

I really don't get the secret Santa at all. A month before Christmas they all send each other the exact £40 present they want. So it costs more, very little joy in choosing a gift or even receiving. Half the time they don't bother unwrapping it at Christmas because "they know what it is".
They would be better agreeing not to buy then spending money on themselves if they choose to.

My suspicion is that the pushy one is relying on the others not going over the limit, but regularly pushing theirs up by £10-20 because " they really want it, so if you don't mind" so they gain. It's noticeable that they're the ones with money, one of the other siblings I know finding the £40 is a bit of a struggle. I know that's been the case a couple of times at least.

Why don’t you back right off and leave it for the two brothers and their parents to sort out?

And I don’t think it’s been asked yet, but when do you swap presents? Is it Christmas Day? Or before? Do you open the presents in front of each other? Why don’t you carry on as you are, and she just buys for one person or no one? You said you didn’t mind if she doesn’t get you anything? Maybe time to see if that’s really true or if you want to gift in order to receive?