Please or to access all these features

30 days only

I just don’t want to do secret Santa!

448 replies

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:06

Just a little rant!

SIL has asked again this year to do secret Santa for the whole family - third year in a row after being turned down the previous two years. The first year we said it wasn’t our thing thanks but no thanks, last year we just said oh well we’ve started buying presents already - I’m trying to be polite and non confrontational but she either will not get the message that we aren’t interested or simply doesn’t care and wants to push what she wants anyway. This year it was in a group chat so even more awkward.

I just don’t want to do it. It doesn’t fit in with your we finance Christmas, and I find the idea generally joyless and miserable. I enjoy choosing presents and wrapping them up nicely for people - I don’t want to select an item from an approved list and have everyone spend the same (may as well just buy something for yourself).

The thing is I could not give less of a shit if she and BIL don’t want to buy us Christmas presents because of money or laziness or whatever else, I just don’t want to be told who I can and can’t buy presents for and have the joy of choosing taken away from me. I’m really happy for people to just please themselves and spend whatever they feel
comfortable but it’s causing drama.

It’s not even like we are one of these massive families where some kind of arrangement (not secret Santa though please!) to keep costs down would make sense - it’s just 3 couples and a baby!

OP posts:
IcedIslandLongTea · 17/10/2026 19:44

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 19:10

Nobody wants to do it! They didn’t last year either

You say nobody does but 2 out of 6 of you actually do.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 17/10/2026 19:45

Awkwardisfunny · 17/10/2026 19:40

Hmm yeah that does sound a bit lazy with that extra info. Could you reply in the chat: "haha just pay someone to buy and wrap your presents or offer a reference to a teenager in return for a short unpaid internship with you" add a winky face to keep it super lighthearted. Get the message across that she is being lazy and/or tight??

‘Sounds lazy’? This poor woman ‘sounds lazy’ because she doesn’t want to buy Christmas presents for her husband’s family?

Is that what you’re saying?

🤣😆🤣

Blimey.

Lazy cow, eh?

edited to add you called her ‘tight’ too, it isn’t even her family!

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 17/10/2026 19:47

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 19:34

I really don’t think they do - both with full time, no kids, small mortgage. Seem to have money to replace their cars, go on big holidays and do other things as they want to. SIL has always been weird about money ever since we have known her - never wants to spend it even though she comes from a very well off family so expect it’s more likely to be that.

We aren’t close enough to have that conversation but BIL could have gone to DH if that was really the issue.

Seem to have money to replace their cars, go on big holidays and do other things as they want to.

Thats what people generally do with their own money isn’t it? 😵‍💫

DancingNotDrowning · 17/10/2026 20:31

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 16:28

Fine but I don’t want to do secret Santa - why is what she wants more important than what I or everyone else wants?

Because usually when compromises need to be had the general rule is to go with the option that is most convenient from a time and budget perspective.

But we get it you want to spread your joy, regardless of the financial, emotional or practical impact on your SIL.

why not just tell her that you loathe her - I suspect she already knows - and be fine with the whole charade?

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 20:31

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 17/10/2026 19:47

Seem to have money to replace their cars, go on big holidays and do other things as they want to.

Thats what people generally do with their own money isn’t it? 😵‍💫

Yes and nothing wrong with that I’m just saying they aren’t in some kind of financial dire straights

OP posts:
Rubyupbeat · 17/10/2026 20:45

We started doing secret santa last year and all loved it, such fun. But everyone is different I suppose.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 17/10/2026 20:51

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 20:31

Yes and nothing wrong with that I’m just saying they aren’t in some kind of financial dire straights

Except that you then said ”SIL has always been weird about money ever since we have known her - never wants to spend it even though she comes from a very well off family so expect it’s more likely to be that.”

Not wanting to spend your money (and do the legwork) on buying presents for your parents-in-law, your brother-in-law and your brother-in-law’s wife isn’t ’being weird’.

It’s her money.

Why is none of this thread directed at the brother-in-law?

Is it because she’s the little woman? The disobedient little woman who won’t do as you tell her to?

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 21:02

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 17/10/2026 20:51

Except that you then said ”SIL has always been weird about money ever since we have known her - never wants to spend it even though she comes from a very well off family so expect it’s more likely to be that.”

Not wanting to spend your money (and do the legwork) on buying presents for your parents-in-law, your brother-in-law and your brother-in-law’s wife isn’t ’being weird’.

It’s her money.

Why is none of this thread directed at the brother-in-law?

Is it because she’s the little woman? The disobedient little woman who won’t do as you tell her to?

No it’s because she’s the one who keeps bringing it up

OP posts:
NoCommentingFromNowOn · 17/10/2026 21:13

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 21:02

No it’s because she’s the one who keeps bringing it up

So your husband’s brother doesn’t care (or I assume he would get involved).

Stop buying tat for his wife, and don’t expect anything from her then.

And just leave it for the actual family to sort ie your husband, her husband, and their parents.

Awkwardisfunny · 18/10/2026 00:02

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 17/10/2026 19:45

‘Sounds lazy’? This poor woman ‘sounds lazy’ because she doesn’t want to buy Christmas presents for her husband’s family?

Is that what you’re saying?

🤣😆🤣

Blimey.

Lazy cow, eh?

edited to add you called her ‘tight’ too, it isn’t even her family!

Edited

Yeah. That's what I said. She can just stay home if she doesn't want to fully participate despite not having financial barriers to doing so. It isn't compulsory to spend the day with "her husband's family", just like it isn't compulsory to buy them presents.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 18/10/2026 00:50

Awkwardisfunny · 18/10/2026 00:02

Yeah. That's what I said. She can just stay home if she doesn't want to fully participate despite not having financial barriers to doing so. It isn't compulsory to spend the day with "her husband's family", just like it isn't compulsory to buy them presents.

Oh, right.

Crikey.

BudgetBuster · 18/10/2026 08:02

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 16:43

Very absent it’s a good point! She’s the boss though

She’s the boss though
No, that would very much be you 😂

Thesnowglobe · 18/10/2026 08:13

I’m with you op. Secret Santa for me would be joyless. Only on MN would spending time to choose gifts that you think people would love, be considered “selfish”. All the while I am earning my own money, I will spend it how I like, thank you very much. And other people are of course free to do the same.

blythet · 18/10/2026 08:14

I think your SIL mixing up 2 different concepts: a secret santa, and the recipients giving a list of presents for people to select from.

a secret Santa doesn’t need to come with the list of presents to choose from

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 18/10/2026 08:15

blythet · 18/10/2026 08:14

I think your SIL mixing up 2 different concepts: a secret santa, and the recipients giving a list of presents for people to select from.

a secret Santa doesn’t need to come with the list of presents to choose from

It’s definitely the combination of the two that makes me find it a depressing way to “celebrate”!

OP posts:
arlequin · 18/10/2026 08:39

Oh I see - yes a list of presents is incredibly depressing.

brownbootsandhats · 18/10/2026 08:48

Thesnowglobe · 18/10/2026 08:13

I’m with you op. Secret Santa for me would be joyless. Only on MN would spending time to choose gifts that you think people would love, be considered “selfish”. All the while I am earning my own money, I will spend it how I like, thank you very much. And other people are of course free to do the same.

To be honest it had often been said by various none shopping as a hobby family members IRL that the shoppers just do gifts as an excuse to shop

no one would say that to your face in normal circumstances so if you are a shop as a hobby type of person and insist on giving what you think are lovely thoughtful gifts it may be that people are just being kind to you

the insistence of your right and kindness is sad

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 18/10/2026 08:52

brownbootsandhats · 18/10/2026 08:48

To be honest it had often been said by various none shopping as a hobby family members IRL that the shoppers just do gifts as an excuse to shop

no one would say that to your face in normal circumstances so if you are a shop as a hobby type of person and insist on giving what you think are lovely thoughtful gifts it may be that people are just being kind to you

the insistence of your right and kindness is sad

This is not the case for me at all - I really don’t particularly like shopping and very rarely go in person

OP posts:
Thesnowglobe · 18/10/2026 08:52

brownbootsandhats · 18/10/2026 08:48

To be honest it had often been said by various none shopping as a hobby family members IRL that the shoppers just do gifts as an excuse to shop

no one would say that to your face in normal circumstances so if you are a shop as a hobby type of person and insist on giving what you think are lovely thoughtful gifts it may be that people are just being kind to you

the insistence of your right and kindness is sad

Are you quite well? I don’t “shop as a hobby” and I don’t think I know anyone who does. Quite part from anything else, who could afford to, these days?
And the fact that you find my right to spend my own money exactly how I wish to be “sad” is a reflection of you, not me.

CapeMylar · 18/10/2026 09:04

If (big if) this isn’t down to money being tight, I’d find the persistence alone highly irritating given that everyone else prefers the old way. I’d say the same to op if she were pushing for individual gifts when everyone else loved SS.

But if it is about affordability or if others would really like to cut down on ‘stuff’, I’d personally prefer no gifts at all. SS doesn’t do it for me. knowing my luck I’d get one of the people who is impossible to buy for, and so end up with all the hassle and none of the pleasure of gift giving!

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 18/10/2026 09:07

CapeMylar · 18/10/2026 09:04

If (big if) this isn’t down to money being tight, I’d find the persistence alone highly irritating given that everyone else prefers the old way. I’d say the same to op if she were pushing for individual gifts when everyone else loved SS.

But if it is about affordability or if others would really like to cut down on ‘stuff’, I’d personally prefer no gifts at all. SS doesn’t do it for me. knowing my luck I’d get one of the people who is impossible to buy for, and so end up with all the hassle and none of the pleasure of gift giving!

I think I work also prefer no gifts to secret Santa - I just don’t enjoy it and you so often get something crap in return for the effort you made to get something nice. It feels a bit performative as well - if you’re not doing gifts, don’t do gifts.

OP posts:
sweetpickle2 · 18/10/2026 09:09

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 18/10/2026 09:07

I think I work also prefer no gifts to secret Santa - I just don’t enjoy it and you so often get something crap in return for the effort you made to get something nice. It feels a bit performative as well - if you’re not doing gifts, don’t do gifts.

“you so often get something crap in return for the effort you made to get something nice” that’s why you have the list!

We do this with my husbands family, then we just purchase his parents something separate from us that we’ve picked out. No drama.

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 18/10/2026 09:11

sweetpickle2 · 18/10/2026 09:09

“you so often get something crap in return for the effort you made to get something nice” that’s why you have the list!

We do this with my husbands family, then we just purchase his parents something separate from us that we’ve picked out. No drama.

But if everyone is spending £50 on a present that someone else has specified then it’s pointless isn’t it? Just cut out the middle man and spend £50 on a present for yourself

OP posts:
sweetpickle2 · 18/10/2026 09:13

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 18/10/2026 09:11

But if everyone is spending £50 on a present that someone else has specified then it’s pointless isn’t it? Just cut out the middle man and spend £50 on a present for yourself

No more pointless than a wedding gift list, or an Amazon wish list. I’d personally rather spend 50 quid on something I know the recipient wants than wasting it on something they potentially don’t.

I put things on there that I wouldn’t necessarily buy for myself.

susiedaisy1912 · 18/10/2026 09:14

Just keep repeating no thank you until she gives up. No is a complete sentence, it doesn’t need any explanation. I started doing this about 15 years ago and it’s great, I don’t end up doing any shite I don’t want to, after years of people pleasing and trying to justify my reasons. Just say no thank you.