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Original poster

I just don’t want to do secret Santa!

448 replies

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:06

Just a little rant!

SIL has asked again this year to do secret Santa for the whole family - third year in a row after being turned down the previous two years. The first year we said it wasn’t our thing thanks but no thanks, last year we just said oh well we’ve started buying presents already - I’m trying to be polite and non confrontational but she either will not get the message that we aren’t interested or simply doesn’t care and wants to push what she wants anyway. This year it was in a group chat so even more awkward.

I just don’t want to do it. It doesn’t fit in with your we finance Christmas, and I find the idea generally joyless and miserable. I enjoy choosing presents and wrapping them up nicely for people - I don’t want to select an item from an approved list and have everyone spend the same (may as well just buy something for yourself).

The thing is I could not give less of a shit if she and BIL don’t want to buy us Christmas presents because of money or laziness or whatever else, I just don’t want to be told who I can and can’t buy presents for and have the joy of choosing taken away from me. I’m really happy for people to just please themselves and spend whatever they feel
comfortable but it’s causing drama.

It’s not even like we are one of these massive families where some kind of arrangement (not secret Santa though please!) to keep costs down would make sense - it’s just 3 couples and a baby!

OP posts:
Seagulldancing · 17/10/2026 12:19

And what's wrong with her not wanting to figure out what you and your husband want as a gift? Or are you the person who likes a 3 for 2 gift set from Boots? Anything I want is too expensive to expect from an inlaw, so Id rather have a bottle of wine or nothing personally.

2chocolateoranges · 17/10/2026 12:20

you say Sil and Bil which tells me it’s your husbands family. What does he want to do regarding presents. If the majority want secret Santa then just go along with it.

it saves you money, time and effort picking and choosing presents. You can still do gifts for your own side of the family.

Original poster
YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:21

2chocolateoranges · 17/10/2026 12:20

you say Sil and Bil which tells me it’s your husbands family. What does he want to do regarding presents. If the majority want secret Santa then just go along with it.

it saves you money, time and effort picking and choosing presents. You can still do gifts for your own side of the family.

DH doesn’t want to do it either - he wants to be able to choose gifts for his parents.

Nobody else wanted to do it last year when it was raised.

OP posts:
brownbootsandhats · 17/10/2026 12:21

You enjoy presents and she clearly doesn’t
the rule say if you get you have to give
yiu are creating an obligation on her

perhaps an honest discussion - no I don’t what to do secret Santa but I also won’t expect any gifts from you

ThaneOfGlamis · 17/10/2026 12:22

I'm totally team sister in law. I don't want to have to think of things to buy someone that they almost certainly won't want. Or receive a bunch of clutter that I then feel I can't throw out as it was a present. Of course they won't feel ok to buy you nothing and still receive gifts. Can't you just compromise and have a low budget both?

Original poster
YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:22

Seagulldancing · 17/10/2026 12:19

And what's wrong with her not wanting to figure out what you and your husband want as a gift? Or are you the person who likes a 3 for 2 gift set from Boots? Anything I want is too expensive to expect from an inlaw, so Id rather have a bottle of wine or nothing personally.

Nothing - she is free not to get us a gift. In fact I would rather they say would be okay if we didn’t exchange gifts this year than do a secret Santa. We could still by for PILs and I’ll cut out the middle man and by the thing I want for myself

OP posts:
Franxi · 17/10/2026 12:23

Can’t you just do secret Santa and still buy other family members presents?

I don’t know why it has to be joyless? We do it in our family (same size as yours) and it’s great. Everyone is a great present buyer and it’s lots of fun. I much prefer having just one or a few presents than a present from everyone - I just don’t need all that stuff.

Katastrophyy · 17/10/2026 12:23

So why doesn't your husband sort this out then

Original poster
YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:25

Franxi · 17/10/2026 12:23

Can’t you just do secret Santa and still buy other family members presents?

I don’t know why it has to be joyless? We do it in our family (same size as yours) and it’s great. Everyone is a great present buyer and it’s lots of fun. I much prefer having just one or a few presents than a present from everyone - I just don’t need all that stuff.

Because the way of doing it suggested is we give a list of things we want…so may as well just forget the whole thing and buy it for yourself

OP posts:
Original poster
YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:25

Katastrophyy · 17/10/2026 12:23

So why doesn't your husband sort this out then

He has - I’m just having a moan about it

OP posts:
Cla7 · 17/10/2026 12:25

How about suggesting to her that you don’t do presents and go for a meal out / day out / activity together instead? And then you can still choose presents for the other family members?

IcedIslandLongTea · 17/10/2026 12:26

She’s probably taken advice from here for reducing cost/hassle at Christmas!
Has she said why? I wouldn’t feel great about buying gifts for someone who doesn’t want them or is feeling pressure to reciprocate.

hooloola · 17/10/2026 12:26

Can you do Secret Santa but leave the parents out so they still get gifts as usual. Our family did this a few years ago until we just stopped buying for siblings altogether as, let’s face it, we’ve all got enough tat!

cartagenagina · 17/10/2026 12:28

I think some posters are missing the point here.

OP doesn’t give a shit if SIL gets her a present or not. What she objects to is being told she can’t buy presents for the rest of her family because it doesn’t suit SIL.

Seagulldancing · 17/10/2026 12:28

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:25

Because the way of doing it suggested is we give a list of things we want…so may as well just forget the whole thing and buy it for yourself

Show quote history

Oooh. That changes things. Does she want something big?

Original poster
YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 17/10/2026 12:29

cartagenagina · 17/10/2026 12:28

I think some posters are missing the point here.

OP doesn’t give a shit if SIL gets her a present or not. What she objects to is being told she can’t buy presents for the rest of her family because it doesn’t suit SIL.

Thank you yes - and the fact we’ve now been asked three years in a row despite making it clear we aren’t interested!

OP posts:
brownbootsandhats · 17/10/2026 12:29

But the point is that unless the SiL really knows and believes that OP won’t be upset and posting here in January about being neglected - it is an obligation

and receiving stuff that someone has lovingly chosen that you think is tat is also difficult to navigate

BandyUrnham · 17/10/2026 12:29

Just say 'No.'.

Deadringer · 17/10/2026 12:30

We tried it in our family and it didn't work, but I think yabu, because when you give a gift its supposed to be for the pleasure of the receiver, not to give joy to the giver, I think you are being a bit selfish there but no one can force you to do it.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 17/10/2026 12:36

Why don’t you just buy for everyone else then? Just not her and her husband?

BandyUrnham · 17/10/2026 12:38

I don't think you are selfish at all, @YouMustBeTheWeasleys . I don't really do gifts because I usually dislike the things I get given.

(Not being funny but they're the sort of things that show the giver either doesn't know me or they're unkind.)

Happyjoe · 17/10/2026 12:38

I'd just say no to any more presents to all of you adults, just something for children in the family. It's easier.

FiveEightNine · 17/10/2026 12:40

I don't like people who enjoy gift giving to much.
They just create too much expectations (gracefully accepting, giving gifts back) and they are often quite judgmental (see the OP - money or lazy) and selfish ("doesn't work for me").

The system doesn't work for everyone, so change it.

Maybe "we really enjoy chosing gifts for PILs, so we would like to keep that. However, to make things a bit lighter, maybe we could do a consumable token gifts between the younger couples?"

HoppityBun · 17/10/2026 12:41

I think in this type of situation you always have to be clear about what you want to do, what you’re going to do and why. But do of course give her credit for meaning well.

However, I think a lot depends on what everybody else is doing because it just might not be worth refusing to join in, if it makes the whole thingawkward for everyone else. Also, it depends on how much she’s suggesting because I would’ve thought 20 quid is ok, but £200 most definitely isn’t.

Above all, you want to avoid the situation where somebody ends up with double presents whilst somebody else gets none.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 17/10/2026 12:47

I don't like people who enjoy gift giving to much.
They just create too much expectations(gracefully accepting, giving gifts back) and they are often quite judgmental (see the OP - money or lazy) and selfish ("doesn't work for me").

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