Support needed for vulnerable 17-year-old possibly trying to get pregnant

Do you have a phone number for the mum? I’d text her if so. Put all the info in one text so she has seen it all even if she then blocks you. Or failing that put a letter through the door.

She doesn’t see any need for involvement with teens of their ages. Do you really think she wouldn’t care if her son gets someone pregnant and is (at a minimum) liable for child support for 18 years? If she wouldn’t then I guess there’s no hope there 😞

Very caring

If she only comes home occasionally that means she is resident in the BF house. I'm wondering what's the legal implications of that as she is underage? Would that mean that if they have a baby then the BF parents would be the ones paying for it and taking care of it. Essentially your DD who is still legally a child is resident with a person who is not a guardian but is refusing to speak to you. I'm genuinely shocked that there is no procedure to support a parent like you in this situation.

Id recommend a brief letter through the letter box to BF mum setting out your belief that the couple may be ttc and if they are successful you presume since they are now resident in her house that she will be supporting them financially and possobly providing child care. If she would like to come to a different arrangement please contact you for a meeting at this number...

Well your approach isn’t working either, is it? And you’re the one who’ll end up holding the literal baby

Behave, that’s not the way people with mental illness/nd work. My dd has 4 children between 1-5 and every pregnancy I told her how hard it would be and how awful it would be for the kids not getting enough attention and that she can’t even regulate herself. Even how we couldn’t help as my DH works and I’m not up to it. Guess what? She went ahead and everybody else has HAD to step up as they are tiny children and we love them and it’s not their fault. I’m fully expecting that with in 2-3 years the eldest two will live with me and I didn’t choose ANY of this but I adore my grandchildren and will do ending in my power to help them even to my own detriment. They deserve SOMEBODY who will put them first.

That's a really tricky situation and she sounds very vulnerable.

Because of that, I'd avoid over lecturing her in case it causes her to either spiral or become more determined to get pregnant. I think in your shoes I'd find one of the dolls that act as a fake baby by crying etc. Tell her that you were thinking, since she's getting older it would be useful to see what having a newborn is like, nobody ever showed you and it was a shock when you first became a mother. Then doggedly but pleasantly remind her she needs to care for it every time it cries. When she inevitably becomes frustrated, sympathise and say that you remember how tough it was... in fac5, she cried way more than the doll!

I know they are gimmicky but my school gave them to some of the girls in year 11 and the conversation at lunchtime was pretty much everyone insisting that they were never going to have a baby.

So change your tactics op.
Ask her to work with you to help her make plans.
My dd had a dc at 18 last year and had been self harming but is NT.
The practicalities of running a home are harder than she had anticipated
Ask dd where she intends to live. And how will she pay bills.
Can she go shopping and budget ? Suggest she joins the social housing list
Make it clear her baby will be her responsibility..
Take her to the dr for folic acid. Explain what could happen to her baby if she won't take them.
Births on YouTube could be your friend..

Can I ask, what do you see for her future in the next 5 years if she weren’t to be pregnant? She sounds disengaged from education - would she have capacity to get a part time job etc?

because I think actually what this boils down to is when will your daughter be competent to have a kid, and it sounds like professionals are happy that she is able to consent and make choices. Will anything meaningfully change in the next 5-10 years to swing her MH around? At that time there’s certainly nothing you’ll be able to do to stop her.

to play devils advocate, is it possible that this is something she actually wants and it could be good for her? Has she shown any inkling of capacity for care?

OP, I think being kind always works and you need to start with yourself. You are doing an amazing job remaining sane in the face of this very difficult situation. Whilst an unwanted pregnancy is not what any of us want for our children, self-harm scares me half to death so I would be keeping my views about her delusions to myself and try to reconnect with her. You can't change her mind with logic. All you can do is be a supportive place for her to land.

She has essentially moved out and is living with this boy who sounds equally vulnerable and attempts to join forces with his mother have been unsuccessful. You've given it a really good go! His mother may also be a vulnerable individual. Keep supporting her to access CAMHS. Are her school aware of her mental health needs? Their safeguarding lead should be involved, especially if they have her boyfriend on their caseload too.

OP, I think the only peace you will find in this situation is to accept you can't fix it but still love her when it all goes wrong, one way or another. Hopefully you and DH can support each other. Try to do some things that bring you joy each day. You need to look after yourself so you can be a support to her when she is ready to accept your help.

is there any chance that she is taking the tests because she is scared that she is pregnant? not that she is trying

Bloody hell OP, this is tough. Sending love.

First of all, do you know if she’s been telling tall tales to her BFs parents? Could they think you’re abusive or something? My nephew had a wee gf who told my SIL a lot of stuff about her parents which turned out to be verifiably false. She was ND, and she did have a lot of issues but it gave my brother and SIL a real headache and really messed with my nephews head. I’m only asking this because it’s a bit off the parents want nothing to do with you? If that was my son whose teenage GF was trying to get pregnant I would be shitting bricks!

You’re definitely a bit stuck, but the only thing I can think of is making it crystal clear to her, and this boys parents that you will not be doing any childcare - so if it happens it’s a them problem. I don’t even know what I would do though, these are just my initial thoughts. Hope it all blows over though, I really do.

The parents of the boy need to be told whats going on, whether they like it or not. Yes its her choice but someone is going to end up parenting any baby(s) that come along, probably OP.
My friend had this problem and ended up with 2 babies of her daughters, in quick succession, different fathers. In the end she had to say no more, any further children will have to be adopted. She was totally exhausted, in the end she yelled at her daughter to keep her f*ing legs shut😡

And condoms-while only 97% reliable anyway-can be damaged/emptied out. It happens. And a 17 year old girl is likely to be able to get pregnant much more easily than most women. This boy is only a kid himself, and even younger than her (he may also be very vulnerable/emotionally immature), so absolutely agree this should be reported-if you don't have the parents' details, the authorities will be able to get in touch.

This sounds so hard, you have my utmost sympathy @llost 💐

I don’t have any practical advice to offer, but to be honest, it sounds like you’re doing everything you can. There is a book called “The Let Them Theory” by Mel Robbins and this is an AI summary of the theory:

“The "Let Them" theory, popularised by author and motivational speaker Mel Robbins, is a mindset shift that teaches you to stop wasting energy trying to control other people's actions, opinions, and choices. It is about radical acceptance, establishing emotional boundaries, and protecting your own peace.”

I think this mindset would be of help to you and your DH as you are stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment. If theres nothing else you can do, you can at least try to protect your own well-being. I was also wondering if you could write a letter detailing everything you wish you could say to your daughter, and also one to the boyfriend and his mum, so you can get it all out. Whether you ever deliver these letters and whether they are read or not, you will have at least got out of your head everything you want to say. And then step back emotionally. I really hope that this situation gets better for you and your daughter.

The only positive is that it sounds like if she dies get pregnant SC will be involved and hopefully will remove the child at birth or place her in a monitored mother and baby unitmif there is one available. Then you can make the choice if you want to be assessed for kinship care or if you want to wash your hand of the whole sorry business. She sounds vulnerable in some ways but also extrememly manipulative and controliing. It is difficult but it appears your daughter is developing into a deeply difficult adult who may well seek to make very poor life choices. You cannot protect her from herself.

Ultimately you can’t force someone to stop engaging in risk taking behaviours. You can try and influence their decision making of course, but it sounds like you’ve already done all you can on that front and she’s already got a vast team of professionals trying to do the same, who sadly haven’t been able to achieve that. I think therefore, unless you know someone with a baby with colic who can come to your house the next time your daughter stops by, you have to try and focus on what you can control, which is how you meet your own needs. Are you able to access a carers group? Have you engaged with any therapy in your own right? Have you got support from your gp? What do you do during your week to fill up your own cup?

OP, this sounds so worrying for you.

Have you explicitly said to your DD 'if you have a baby, social services will take it to be adopted'?

I know that's not a certainty but it seems like a damn good guess given her history, MH, self-harm, self-neglect and her boyfriend's issues.

Maybe if she realises she wouldn't even get to keep her baby...?