Support needed for vulnerable 17-year-old possibly trying to get pregnant

Do you have a partner or husband? Or anyone who can talk sense into her?

@llost

Does she go to school, OP?

Have you read the OP’s pists? Her dd is srlf harming and has threatened both running away and suicide. Brinksmanship is not called for her. This child is impulsive, vulnerable, and does not appear to have much ability to understand reality.

You say she’s ND - the being immature tracks as often socio-emotional development lags behind. It sounds like she’s hyperfixated on the „becoming a family” as a solution that will make her happy- for an ND brain those special interests become all consuming. If it’s ADHD -good chance the fixation will burn hot and bright and die out fairly fast. You say you found 12 tests, is it just one that was used? - she might be not actually understanding fully how it’s all meant to work, she might be compulsively testing cause she’s worried she will get pregnant even from protected sex (for an autistic brain 99% effective is not the same as „you don’t have to worry about pregnancy”). If she’s autistic the hyperfocus might stick - your best bet is to find a different one or reheat an old one - autistic brains are often monotropic, so single focus point, if you find something she willingly transfers her interest to it could completely replace the family making.
On that front - she’s 17- is she in school/college? Working in something she enjoys? Did she not do as well in her exams as she hoped and now a path she was looking forward to feels closed? It might be that the hyperfocus originates from her having no clue what to do with herself and the overwhelming of being told „you’re basically an adult”- being a wife, having a baby gives her a goal that she potentially sees as achievable. So helping her explore career options might be another avenue to look at - at this point I would go with anything from Hollywood star to Noble Peace Prize winner and then develop it with no „You can’t do that”. She can start of wanting to work in Hollywood and finish with a career in theatre management for instance - but I would not approach from a logic perspective at this point. Finally, as she’s ND, I’d be discussing with her the sensory aspects of pregnancy. She says she’s not trying so I’d respect this and approach it as a generic conversation (e.g. you feel a bit queasy about something you’ve eaten: „oh, that just reminded me of the morning sickness I had when I was pregnant. Vomiting multiple times a day for 3 weeks straight. Ugh”.) From what you’re saying she’s imagining a fairytale, the reality of living with her boyfriend/husband, being pregnant,delivery, lack of sleep, velcro baby stuck to her 24/7- if she’s sensory sensitive it could be an absolute sensory nightmare and she needs to know this.

I would maybe try not addressing the baby issue but explain/show/ teach her that the category “husbands who give you things” does not include 16 year old boys. Because they don’t have real money.

I'm a social worker and when I was told a 16 year old wanted to get pregnant I spoke to her about what would and could happen. I would refer her baby to social services for a pre-birth assessment, that would be done by another social worker as I had her best interests at heart but there would need to be another worker with the unborn babies best interests at heart. I told her that there was a good chance that baby would be on a child protection plan and there was also a chance that baby could be removed and placed for adoption. This was a looked after child, her foster carers also told her that they were not able to take on a baby so she would need to leave if she had a baby. That conversation changed her mind. I didn't want it to be a threat and she didn't seem to take it that way, but she did need to know the realities of it.

Is there a member of school staff responsible for safeguarding, to whom you could speak, OP?

Or someone else suitable at the school?

Who told you that? That’s horrendously manipulative and controlling! I hope not a professional!

Well they aren’t her parent so they can’t be there for some of those bits, but they are trying to help and she needs to feel like she’s got someone in her corner sometimes without judgement. It’s an impossible situation. Hopefully she’s taking the pill or he’s wearing condoms. Can you check if she’s taking it or does she keep them hidden?

She sounds bloody awful. I’d make it very clear to her that if she gets pregnant, she’s moving out and you’ll support by seeing her for Sunday lunch. Send some links to examples of emergency housing in your area. Shatter the fantasy.

If the parents of your DDs boyfriend say they don’t want contact with you then there’s some weird dysfunction going on in that family. I’d be telling DD to steer clear.

I am sorry, but she is 17! When my girls were 17 they didn't get to go out whenever they wanted and go wherever they wanted. They were home when told to be home. They were absolutely not allowed to go out at night or have anything other than friendly relationships with boys. And they were not neurodiverse or vulnerable in any way. I don't get this thing that you cannot tell a child who is living in your house and totally dependant on you what to do.

Apologies if I’ve missed anything here but is she definitely sexually active? There was a girl at my school who happened to leave some pregnancy tests out ‘accidentally’ for everyone to see but it turned out she wasn’t sexually active. She wanted everyone to think she was though. Your DD certainly sounds very unwell and I’m so sorry for everyone involved here. Is she in education or work? And is she currently having any sort of therapy?

Have you had a meeting with the Safeguarding Lead and explained exactly what is happening?

Where does she get money to go out?