Support needed for vulnerable 17-year-old possibly trying to get pregnant

It’s fine if it’s her choice, but can’t they talk her through what would happen. Giving someone information doesn’t take their choice away it allows them to make an informed decision.
as a pp said, this would be an explanation of what would happen to the child and if your mum doesn’t allow you to stay this is what would happen to you and Child may be removed from your care etc. if she’s wanting a happy family just a reality check from someone she trusts but that isn’t you, might help. Even if she says it’s not relevant to her can they say they know, they just have to tell her so if it becomes relevant in the future…

is it possible she is doing the tests because she is scared she’s pregnant though, rather than because she wants to be right now.

could you ask some probing questions about bf. I know you want him to be your dh, what does he think? Where would you like to live, what jobs will you have. Non judgemental but to scope out how much she’s thought about it, and how (un) realistic her plan is. She might slip up and tell you about ttc if she’s not asked questions directly about that. The questions might make her think about the reality a bit, though I appreciate they probably won’t.

Sigh. A pill is the worst possible contraception for her.
Can you persuade her towards an implant? I guess not.
do speak to her BF. Is he really keen on becoming a dad?

@llost

What is she studying at school, OP?

Is she taking A Levels?.

OP, I am so very sorry you are in this position. I think you might need to come at this from a different perspective as she isn't receptive to your advice and is avoiding you by going to her boyfriend's so she doesn't need to discuss it with you.

I don't think you can stop her making a terrible decision here, hard as it is to accept that. You can provide a supportive home where she feels loved and cherished, but you can't protect her from herself until she hits a threshold where she can be sectioned and you don't sound there yet. You have CAMHS involvement already which is a great start.

Can you access some support yourself? I think you might benefit from someone neutral to provide you with a place to confide your fears and talk about this as it sounds incredibly difficult. Our instinct as mothers is to fix all their problems but you can't support her if she is tuning you out and any conflict with you probably makes her more vulnerable.

I am surprised at her boyfriend's mother's view but you won't change that either. Do you know the boyfriend at all? Can you try to get to know him? I'd be happier in this circumstance if they were at my house some of the time. He does also sound like a potential victim of this situation and might be quite vulnerable himself. Does he want a baby? He should at least know that is what she wants. Do you know anyone with a baby? Has she ever changed a nappy? This fantasy of hers might not be very well developed in her head and exposure to the reality might give pause for thought.

There is an outside possibility that much of this is fantasy, she isn't sexually active and the pregnancy tests are all part of the role play of the delusion. I hope this is the case.

Much sympathy and support, OP. This is very hard.

At what point is she deemed not to have capacity to make these decisions?

I was just thinking about how it’s against the law to let her leave the house. If someone is in mental health crisis and at huge risk of harming themselves are you then allowed to stop them leaving the house?

There's something off with this. I don't know anyone who would see someone with unbrushed teeth and matted hair and would think they're a good choice for a partner.

OP I genuinely don't see what more you or anyone else can do. It's a very difficult situation.

We don’t know that the boyfriend is much better

We don't know much about the boyfriend-he might be equally vulnerable/emotionally immature.

Oh OP that's terrifying. You poor thing.

First thing is to find out if this boy is part of the plan or will be a victim of deceit. If she is intentionally trying to get pregnant and telling him she is taking contraception then it ruin his life too. He needs to know that he may need to leave education and work full time to support the baby. No money for fun things and very little down time with friends. His alternative would be to run off and abandon them and live forever with the judgment and guilt. He needs to know what is at stake here. All he has to do to save himself is wear a condom, abstain or end the relationship. If he is on board with the plan there is less you can do but I would recommend sitting down with them both and talking through the realities of being a teen parent. They may never have considered where they will live, who will pay for or mind baby, how they will earn money. Try if at all possible to do this in a non judgmental and unemotional way setting out the implications and let them mull it over. Hopefully he will panic even if she doesn't.

While it may be a breach of trust approaching him alone I think its worth the risk, given what is at stake. She is still legally a child and you are entitled to be involved in decisions that affect her. Once she turns 18 this will be trickier.

I would try to force a conversation with the boy’s mother (write a letter if necessary) and tell her in no uncertain terms that that your daughter and her son are actively trying for a baby. He isn’t using condoms, so is also culpable. Point out that if the baby is removed at birth (highly likely if you decline to take it on), SSD will look to place it with a relative first and that could be her and her son. Make it a joint problem for you both to try and solve. It’s not just on you.

And is your friends daughter remaining in the home of her parents who she called the police on?
thats more coercive control! vindictive and cruel.
“do what I want or I’ll call the police on you”.
cant believe the police did that. I wouldn’t want someone that awful in my home

At this point I'd tell your DD, bf, bf parents, SW and CAHMS if your DD gets pregnant on purpose, she will not be having your support and will have to move out of family home and you won't be doing child care duties. Then if/when it happens no one can say you didn't warn them. If your DD gets pregnant see how she will manage alone.

Can you go to the doctor's with her to get an implant, frame it as "just incase she becomes sexually active at some point" so you are going along with her not being sexually active.

It may well help with her periods too, it did with my daughter.

I feel for you OP, it sounds like you are stuck in a very difficult place, my daughter self harmed for awhile and it's impossible knowing how to deal with it!

You and @Crumpetring have made a good point and I think OP's update confirms you're both right. Makes it even more unlikely OP will be able to get through to him. OP, have you told her social worker that you won't be able to support her if she gets pregnant? I doubt it will change their interactions but it will put it on their radar from now that she will need support/intervention. They may be assuming you will step in.

They are covering their arses IMO

If OP speaks to BF parents on their advice and it leads to DD self harming or worse then they could potentially be blamed for that as it would have caused a MH crisis

whereas a baby is not their problem