Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Should my 90 year old mother have to accept intimate care from a man?

129 replies

Hakifadi · 21/10/2026 18:30

My mother has just broken her right (dominant) wrist. The hospital said that they could offer 2-3 weeks of care visits whilst she gets accustomed to using her left arm. We agreed that it would be useful to have someone to help her wash every day. The response was that they couldn't promise that it wouldn't be a man. So, she refused. Should a 90 year old woman have to accept intimate care from a man?

OP posts:
saveforthat · 21/10/2026 18:31

No absolutely not.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 21/10/2026 18:32

No!

GentleSheep · 21/10/2026 18:34

No

Loungingbutnotforlong · 21/10/2026 18:35

No- absolutely not

Original poster
Hakifadi · 21/10/2026 18:35

There's a woman up the road with quite advanced dementia. I regularly see two men turning up at the house. I imagine that that may well involve intimate care. That woman is, like my mother, very elderly. How bewildering it must be for elderly women to have men dealing with intimate care. It's shocking.

OP posts:
Wowzel · 21/10/2026 18:35

No, but what if there are no women available to do it?

She has the option to decline but there may not be anyone else

Thisisnotmyid · 21/10/2026 18:37

No she should not have to, but unfortunately there may not be another option.

DewDropsAndCobWebs · 21/10/2026 18:37

She shouldn't be forced, but may not have an alternative.
If there are no female carer available, are you able to come up with another plan for her?
I agree it could be upsetting/disoriented for them

Wickesisgoodenoughforme · 21/10/2026 18:38

Good god, I hope not. That is so dismissive of her dignity.

Hopefulsalmon · 21/10/2026 18:39

No, no woman should. Unfortunately too many men are not to be trusted.

bestbefore · 21/10/2026 18:40

Is this NHS care? If so sadly you don't get much choice. However there are lots of private care agencies who would send female carers

Saltandp · 21/10/2026 18:41

Absolutely unacceptable. It shouldn’t even be a question.

Dearg · 21/10/2026 18:42

It’s unfortunate , but it’s obviously a question of staff availability. I don’t blame your mum, I would not want it either, but one would hope they were trained and sensitive to the patient.

By the same token, my elderly male neighbour prefers women carers too. He’ss very vocal about it. But there just are not enough to go around.

Ponderingwindow · 21/10/2026 18:43

Doubly not in an isolated situation like a private home.

As for the problem of there only being male caregivers on the rota, this is an area where discrimination in hiring should not only be allowed, but encouraged. The role should be for female or male caregiver, not generic caregiver.

Wickesisgoodenoughforme · 21/10/2026 18:44

Dearg · 21/10/2026 18:42

It’s unfortunate , but it’s obviously a question of staff availability. I don’t blame your mum, I would not want it either, but one would hope they were trained and sensitive to the patient.

By the same token, my elderly male neighbour prefers women carers too. He’ss very vocal about it. But there just are not enough to go around.

Surely, the elderly men should get the male carers if there aren’t enough female carers available for all the elderly women.

Wickesisgoodenoughforme · 21/10/2026 18:46

I’m off to Switzerland before I get to that stage. It’s inhumane.

Makebelieveanotherlife · 21/10/2026 18:48

what is her daily situation? Does she live alone? Why can’t she stay with you while she recovers?

Bogstandardname · 21/10/2026 18:49

NO!

ohwhattodowithmylife · 21/10/2026 18:50

Unfortunately this is common.
most care agencies can not and will not guarantee care by just females ☹️

SereneFinch · 21/10/2026 18:51

It’s a very difficult one. Of course she has the right but equally they can’t promise to send women. No one’s in the wrong.

DoobyScooo · 21/10/2026 18:56

Given that mostly carers have been women, men have had to have women carers.
What does it matter? These people are giving care. The gender is irrelevant.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 21/10/2026 18:56

My Mum had excellent carers for the last year she lived in her own home. As she was on an island they were usually able to send the same carers, but if someone was ill or on holiday a replacement had to be found, and on a very few occasions a young man turned up. Fortunately my Mum had all her marbles and was able to say that she would manage without a wash on these occasions, but she had no option but to accept his help to get her dressed or undressed, because she couldn't do that herself. Really not good enough. I agree that there should be two jobs - carer for female service users, who would have to be female, and carer for male service users, who could be either sex.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 21/10/2026 18:58

DoobyScooo · 21/10/2026 18:56

Given that mostly carers have been women, men have had to have women carers.
What does it matter? These people are giving care. The gender is irrelevant.

The sex of the carer is not irrelevant. Almost all sexual crime is committed by males. Statistically, vulnerable people are safer getting intimate care from women than they would be from men.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 21/10/2026 19:01

Makebelieveanotherlife · 21/10/2026 18:48

what is her daily situation? Does she live alone? Why can’t she stay with you while she recovers?

Lots of obvious possible reasons, including:

  • the OP probably has a job and can't just drop everything to be her mother's carer for a few weeks
  • the mother may not live near the OP so would have to travel to stay with her daughter, which might not be easy with a broken wrist, even if someone could drive here there or travel with her
  • if mother needs physio, community nurse and GP checks she's best off in her own home where she's already in the system
StSpiridian · 21/10/2026 19:03

The organisation (inc NHS) should be planning ahead so that staffing is arranged appropriately. But your grandmother needs to decide if she would rather have no care if no female is available .

if she is still mentally able, it's worth her putting her consent on her medical record, or maybe doing an 'Advance Decision' to specify what she consents to. This is legally binding in England.

If she only consents to female only intimate/ personal care, she can remind the provider her request/ requirement is made in accordance with

1- The Equality Act 2010 which allows for single sex services when necessary for privacy, dignity and safety.

2- Care Quality Commission standards, esp Regulation 10, which mandates respect for personal beliefs and provision of dignified care.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g is correct- most sex crime is by males. . I understand many people want same sex care but some don't mind- which is fine, consent should be respected. I know an elderly (non slimy) man who due to a bad experience from males when younger has requested female carers if he ever becomes unable to speak for himself if possible.