Should my 90 year old mother have to accept intimate care from a man?

Have you seen the statistics on women operated on by men? If I could request a female surgeon, I would. And possibly live when I could have died.

Sorry you know nothing about the reality of being disabled. In theory you can turn down a man to care for you. If you do you may end up with no care.

Oh my goodness no!!! This makes my skin crawl. Your poor mum, the the poor poor lady with dementia - already not got her wits about her anymore and two men then cleaning and undressing her. Disgraceful.

Communication is vital though. I raised a complaint about the Red Cross carers that the my Nanna was sent after discharge from a long hospital stay for the very reason that they did not speak English. She was fucking terrified in her own home as it was with dementia and having strangers with her 24/7 (for a 6 week assessment which led to admission to care home) without having both men and women talking at her with little words of the language she spoke. It’s not good enough. She deserved far better. I was there for as much of the day as I could be and they couldn’t hold down a conversation with me. They were aggressive in their attempts to get my nanna to understand them and it just made her more scared, but she was expected to receive personal care from them?

So, we actually did pay for better care but we really shouldn’t have to and the ‘if you don’t like it pay for it’ attitude is saddening. People deserve better. There should not be a low bar simply because it’s provided. The Red Cross were doing the discharge to assess for the NHS and the standard of care should not be so poor. The discharge manager came to the house part way through due to my concerns and found a whole manner of wrongdoings.

Sorry, bit of a tangent there, but yes I do feel strongly that when in any sort of caring role you do need to be able to communicate effectively.

@princecharlie absolutely that wasn't the my point though. I will die on this hill that a LOT of relatives are sheer lazy and cant even be bothered to visit their own relatives. I do understand people have jobs and families of their own.

But from some people's posts there is a complete lack of understanding of how things work. That alone tells me you cant be involved enough.

Its a physically demanding job and low paid. A lot of people couldn't and wouldn't want to do it tbh.

Sometimes a man may be needed for the physical side of things such as general moving and handling side of things. Baritric patients do exists or people who are obese. So a man is a great help in cases like this.

I’m not sure what you mean…🤷🏻‍♀️

If you are accusing us of racism - we would’ve gladly paid for carers that were of any ethnicity or cultural heritage that my mother could understand clearly. She was poorly, vulnerable and slightly deaf. The poor communication was just one of a series of issues, including poor training that was actually dangerous, and unknown people - including men, entering her house and giving her intimate care.

I dread to think how she would’ve coped if we hadn’t been there. It would’ve been a living nightmare for her.

Im asking why you left your mother to be looked after whom in your words barely spoke English? Do you understand now?

Do you think laying blame at relatives for carers being inadequate is remotely helpful?

I personally wouldn’t mind having a male carer, just as I didn’t mind having a male gynaecologist a couple of weeks ago. But I do think everyone should be given the option of a same sex carer. But if there’s not the staff available I don’t really see a solution.

Interesting question: i don’t think an old man would object to a female nurse.

Me, too.

So what stage are people planning to head to Switzerland then ? You are very unusual if you get a diagnosis with a straight forward trajectory that allows you to go there whilst you’re still able, in the definitive knowledge that you will decline.

My DPs were ok until they weren’t and I think they were both hoping they would die before that point. Now both in the care home with different forms of dementia, DM would gladly die tomorrow due to physical issues but despite being 93 and very poor memory and having his personal care done by the carers DF still gets a bit of enjoyment out of life.

Maybe safest just to go over when you’re 80 to be on the safe side, it’s a bit of a crap shoot after then. Of course you may miss valuable years with your DGC or have been one of the octogenarians still running parkrun, it’s very difficult to know.

I plan to refuse vaccinations and intensive medical interventions from definitely 80, possibly 75. I hope I will be strong enough to keep to that.

Unfortunately there is a health care crisis (lack of carers) so basically you are very lucky to get a carer at all. These workers are going from one house to the next all day. Their calls are based more on location to the last call rather than being a fit for the patient. They are all extremely vetted and most are ok. But there will always be the odd pervert. Its a fact that the perverts will more likely be men but if it's nhs you can't choose unfortunately . Even if private you still aren't guaranteed a female.

My 93 year old spinster aunt had to go in a home . We were worried how she would cope . Her favourite carer was a young African man who was amazing with her .

You may change your mind when you get to that age if you are still well. I am 71 and have no intention of giving up in 4 years time.

My mother had Alzheimers. In her 80s she was in hospital and had to have a suppository, she requested that 'the pretty one' did it - he was a young doctor of Pakistani heritage, henceforth known as Pretty Boy by his colleagues. The consultant told us this, it was a little light in the dark.

She shouldn't have to, but not everyone feels that way. In my grandmother's final years in a nursing home there was a male careworker who she said was the kindest and gentlest of all the workers who looked after her. Obviously each individual should have the dignity to choose this but I'm not sure it needs to be segregated by default.

Can’t see any issue tbh. The gender of the caregiver is irrelevant - they’re both doing the same job.

Just because it wouldn’t be an issue for you, surely you can understand that a lot of other women would be extremely uncomfortable having a male providing intimate care. I wouldn’t even see a male doctor about intimate issues.

That way lies the Taliban.

My mums favourite carer was a north african gentleman. I think its is because of how strong respect and care for elders is in their culture.

You don’t see an issue. OPDM does.

Rubbish. We should be able to choose.

Choice is expensive, therein lies the problem.

Some women aren't bothered by intimate care given by men. More often, it is men who receive intimate care from women. It depends on the available workforce and you either accept it or refuse it if there is no gender specific staffing available.