Should my 90 year old mother have to accept intimate care from a man?

No. Get your MP involved if it comes to it. In my head I’d be standing vigil but I know that’s not practical or possible.
as politely as possible (because only polite works) be THAT woman who won’t let it pass

It's absolutely not just the elderly either. I knew a woman who was assaulted by a male staff member while she was immobile and in immense pain following a very serious RTA. We should have choice in this as a basic right.

Surely this is a safeguarding risk?
I would be putting my concern in writing to potential service provider and referrer and see what is the response.

what? what does this even mean?
can you explain?

This was one of the benefits of paying for private care, Mil wasn't put in that position. Choice is what you give up when you deprive yourself of assets to get NHS/LA free care. Those with no funds, get no choice. It's terrible.

My ER has carers in (that she pays for) to look after her.
The standard is that intimate care is done by female carers. But rarely, the only carer they have free is male. Fortunately, she knows them already from lunch and teatime visits, and they are experienced and professional - so they help her while "averting their eyes" as much as practicable.

I think for myself I'd want to know and pre-approve male carers if they were providing intimate care for me. Random agency workers, female only.

In an ideal world we would be able to choose but it is so hard to get reliable staff that agencies and firms cannot promise everyone the carer they wish. Also the same with foreign carers , some elderly people want those with the same nationality or religion as them but due to lack of staff it is impossible to cater to each individual client.

Some women aren't bothered by intimate care given by men. More often, it is men who receive intimate care from women. It depends on the available workforce and you either accept it or refuse it if there is no gender specific staffing available.

Choice is expensive, therein lies the problem.

Rubbish. We should be able to choose.

You don’t see an issue. OPDM does.

My mums favourite carer was a north african gentleman. I think its is because of how strong respect and care for elders is in their culture.

That way lies the Taliban.

Just because it wouldn’t be an issue for you, surely you can understand that a lot of other women would be extremely uncomfortable having a male providing intimate care. I wouldn’t even see a male doctor about intimate issues.

Can’t see any issue tbh. The gender of the caregiver is irrelevant - they’re both doing the same job.

She shouldn't have to, but not everyone feels that way. In my grandmother's final years in a nursing home there was a male careworker who she said was the kindest and gentlest of all the workers who looked after her. Obviously each individual should have the dignity to choose this but I'm not sure it needs to be segregated by default.

My mother had Alzheimers. In her 80s she was in hospital and had to have a suppository, she requested that 'the pretty one' did it - he was a young doctor of Pakistani heritage, henceforth known as Pretty Boy by his colleagues. The consultant told us this, it was a little light in the dark.

You may change your mind when you get to that age if you are still well. I am 71 and have no intention of giving up in 4 years time.

My 93 year old spinster aunt had to go in a home . We were worried how she would cope . Her favourite carer was a young African man who was amazing with her .

Unfortunately there is a health care crisis (lack of carers) so basically you are very lucky to get a carer at all. These workers are going from one house to the next all day. Their calls are based more on location to the last call rather than being a fit for the patient. They are all extremely vetted and most are ok. But there will always be the odd pervert. Its a fact that the perverts will more likely be men but if it's nhs you can't choose unfortunately . Even if private you still aren't guaranteed a female.

So what stage are people planning to head to Switzerland then ? You are very unusual if you get a diagnosis with a straight forward trajectory that allows you to go there whilst you’re still able, in the definitive knowledge that you will decline.

My DPs were ok until they weren’t and I think they were both hoping they would die before that point. Now both in the care home with different forms of dementia, DM would gladly die tomorrow due to physical issues but despite being 93 and very poor memory and having his personal care done by the carers DF still gets a bit of enjoyment out of life.

Maybe safest just to go over when you’re 80 to be on the safe side, it’s a bit of a crap shoot after then. Of course you may miss valuable years with your DGC or have been one of the octogenarians still running parkrun, it’s very difficult to know.

I plan to refuse vaccinations and intensive medical interventions from definitely 80, possibly 75. I hope I will be strong enough to keep to that.

Me, too.

Interesting question: i don’t think an old man would object to a female nurse.

I personally wouldn’t mind having a male carer, just as I didn’t mind having a male gynaecologist a couple of weeks ago. But I do think everyone should be given the option of a same sex carer. But if there’s not the staff available I don’t really see a solution.