Should my 90 year old mother have to accept intimate care from a man?

Yes it is a double edge sword. What is the point in living to 85-95, if you're so infirm that you can't go to the toilet yourself and have to have carers change your nappies? And you can't feed yourself, and can't shower yourself, and have to be fed and showered by carers?

It's OK if you're 80-85+ and you're in reasonable health and fairly mobile, but the reality is that most people will start to go downhill by their mid 70s. I have seen many a person I know be fine at 70, walking 3 miles a day, driving miles and miles on daytrips, and taking parts in hobby groups, and living their best life. Then by 75-78, they start to go downhill, and are starting to get dependent on others, some have had to give up driving, and they have to get someone to take them everywhere, and get their shopping, and do housework and chores for them.

By 80-82ish, they can barely do anything for themselves, many have dementia, and they are put into care homes because their family cannot cope with them. And they're just kept alive for YEARS, just existing. I'm sorry if I upset anyone with this, but I think it's so wrong. As I said, even 25-30 years ago, people would get ill/get some kind of disease in their mid 70s say, and would die within several years. These days, there seems to be this desperation to keep people alive for as long as possible, even if they have no quality of life. With 10, 15 years or more of them just languishing in care homes. Just sitting in a chair all day, and being bathed and fed by carers.

I may be wrong, but I think one of the reasons for this is that care homes make 1000s of pounds a month off each person they have there, and they don't want to lose that income. So many peoples inheritances are going on care home fees for people who would have died over a decade earlier, pre 21st century.

What, when you break your wrist? Great plan.

FO. When I need carers to provide intimate care. I have no one to look after my welfare so I don’t want to end up being neglected and potentially abused.

Asking because I’m curious - why did your mother not have carers to provide this thrice daily care?
Was it a financial decision or did she not want carers?
I just can’t imagine how you managed to do that for 3 years - you must have been exhausted.

It’s entirely up to the individual.

I am surprised that assistance with home care was offered for a patient with a broken wrist, I assume this wasn't NHS. Surely OP’s mum could wash/wipe with her left hand?

I think if I was at the stage where I needed help with going to the toilet, I really wouldn’t care if a male or female helped me with that. I might, actually prefer a male as they’re physically stronger and I generally prefer the company of men to women.

My NHS team provide interim care calls until a proper package of care for folk being discharged from hospital. We would not capacity within the team to only send a female so the person would have to take it or leave it. I have raised this with management and basically it’s tough luck.

F*ck no.

In their last year in the house and since moving to the care home, DPs have been looked after by a wide variety of carers. I must admit I never pay much attention to their gender, much more important is are they gentle but persuasive, do they speak understandable English are they actually trained and able to do what is needed, did they actually turn up in the correct time window . By the time that list was worked through I don’t think my DPs or I cared if they were male or female.

Social services is on it’s knees, yes a guaranteed female carer would be nice but they have to pretty much take anyone who applies for the minimum wage role.

Why are we suddenly apparently inundated with male carers? It was always a female dominated area of work, so this makes no sense unless the government has intentionally granted far more visas to men. Women live longer than men and also live longer with debilitating conditions so we need other women to care for us, not men.

Maybe social services do have to take on pretty much anyone but that doesn't mean I have to accept them.

It's not about the will. It's about the money. To offer a choice of sex of care worker you need more staff overall, even though the number of people needing care is the same.

As Esther Rantzen discovered.

Gender is irrelevant, they are there to do a job simple as that. Would you refuse to have a major op by male surgeons where they see everything

My 90 year old mother was promised only female carers but half of them were men and most were untrained and could barely speak English. We were told it was down to staffing availability.

I think it broke her over several weeks, and she passed away after significant decline. Stripped naked and forced to be washed daily by strangers and men. She was such a private dignified woman. 😔

My mum had home visits from carers after a fall. The best of the lot was a bloke. He was cheerful, respectful, and had A VERY LOUD VOICE!!!! which was ideal for when she didn't have her hearing aids in yet.

If I saw that happening in front of me to my mum I would have moved heaven and earth to do it for her myself whatever the personal cost.

Absolutely not.

Why didn't any of your family do personal care? I have to say a lot of relatives are happy to complain but do sweet FA themselves. Its incredibly sad.

Well thank you for your empathy. 🙄

As a family, we were there 24/7 (despite also working to pay the bills) but my mother didn’t want family doing her intimate care so we were respecting her wishes. After a couple of weeks of being patient, supervising, and actually ‘training’ some of them, we called in the district nurse to show us how to do some of her more medical/intimate care and sacked them off. The damage was done by then.

Agree.

Also, when you have an appointment for an intimate gynae examination at a hospital with a male clinician there will be a female chaperone, nurse or HCA sitting in and yet women are expected to be comfortable about being provided with male carers for personal care in their own homes.

Agreed, this was a similar situation for me, I lost work and exhausted myself for months to retain her dignity. I agree it shouldn't be the situation but why would anyone accept it?

And I think that vulnerability is a factor in elderly people. And dignity. My mum was of a generation that put a lot of emphasis on modesty and decorum - she would be ashamed if her hair was uncombed for example. My late DF wanted a shaving mirror a few days before he died because he felt ‘scruffy’ if he was unshaven.

Because if you have to work to live, and you have to leave your elderly relatives with carers you have no choice.

We have elderly neighbours with no family and all they get is four visits a day - 10 mins at most - we’ve watched them. Not enough to do any significant ‘caring’.

Absolutely you should of paid somebody as in your own words "the people didnt speak English". Classic example.....

Yes but this isnt true for intimate care or personal care it could be male or female HCA for that. Although you can decline and you may have to wait but usually you will get your requested gender.

I imagine its a lot harder for homecare.