Should my 90 year old mother have to accept intimate care from a man?

Normally with two carers they have a male and female. Depends what she needs but if you want something else, pay for the carer and you will have choice. But check first that they will have provision for what you need and there isnt a reason for a male.

She has every right to refuse but the care provider only has so many staff to go around so you'll end up with no care.

Male social care carers are no different to male Health Care Assistants, Nurses or Doctor's.

Not really no. But some people realize they'd actually rather that than nothing.

Surely she can say she'll only accept a woman, then they try and source one as best they can. One would hope they'd endeavour to do so. And only ever send a man for food or cleaning the house or non intimate things?

But then what does happen on the times they can't? Are you able to go and help her?

DM is 86. She was in hospital in the summer and felt the male nurses gave excellent care despite her initial concerns.So much so that when we applied for carers she said she didn’t object to having male carers. Since then she has a male carer call twice a day to help her with bathing, dressing etc. They have been an absolute godsend. Trustworthy , reliable and gentle. I know that this wasn’t the point of the thread, and I agree that you shouldn’t be forced to have a carer of the opposite sex, but wanted to share our experience.

I agree that it is difficult for care agencies to manage but I do feel it is different to male HCA's, nurses and Dr's as the patient is alone receiving intimate care and this would feel far more vulnerable than in say a hospital environment. Male Dr's should have chaperones present when conducting any intimate examination.

With my mum if a man turned up they would not do intimate care, they would make her lunch, brush her hair and tidy round. She preferred having the company than not - when male to female/female to male there was always two of the opposite sex. It rarely happened and as I said it was better she had company than not.

No. But equally, women live longer than men so are more likely to be elderly and living alone, I’d guess that the majority of patients this services helps are women. Even if the default is male carers for male patients and female carers for female patients, scheduling and staff/patient numbers at any given time may make this simply not possible at times.

ETA - and tbh it might be that generally speaking it’s not a problem. Most carers are women anyway. But they just won’t say they guarantee it.

While I don’t disagree with you @Wickesisgoodenoughforme , my neighbour , for reasons I am not willing to investigate, feels strongly that care giving is women’s work.

I think care agencies face a losing battle , trying to accommodate everyone’s preferences.

Similar thing happened with my mum

But slightly different phrasing

They said they couldn’t guarantee it, but it was unlikely due to the numbers of female staff

So she accepted that and it was all women anyway. Our theory was that if a man turned up, she could say no thanks.

we do accept that they can’t magic up staff that they don’t have.

Thats' atrocious and no way to treat an elderly lady or any female for that matter

Urghhhh, no wonder she refused.

She can refuse male carers. She has the right

I don't understand how she can't wash herself with her left hand?

An elderly relative was in this predicament, she had a level of dementia and a victim of domestic abuse and was very frail and although we specified female only carers for those reasons sometimes males were assigned. In each instance without fail it resulted in her doing a bolt and going missing for a spell after the visit (supported living but not policed) which resulted in a fall and then hospitalisation and quite soon she died of pneumonia as is often the way with frail patients in hospitals. The whole thing is so sad because I can't get over the thought that if there had just been female carers she wouldnt have had any cause to leave the home she loved instead of scurrying up a dual carriageway in the winter nights and could have lived out her days more peacefully and in her own surroundings. I appreciate there just aren't sufficient staffing at times and sometimes care has to be given regardless.

You are so wrong , the sex of the carer is very relevant to lots of people needing care.
Some of these old ladies are in their 80's -90's , from a generation who have only ever been undressed in the presence of their husband , not only that but they are clearly at their most vulnerable when alone with a male.
The dignity of people needing personal care whichever sex should be a priority.
My mother has carers, at the start some were men, it just wasn't acceptable however nice they seemed so we asked for females only which is what she gets now.

I have to agree with this. I don't want to get to the stage where I have to have carers washing and bathing me, and then get pushed into having men do it.

I shudder at the thought of it. Your poor mum @Hakifadi 😢 And yes she CAN say no to a man giving intimate care.

When I was much younger (pre 1990s) this was never a thing - elderly people living for many years whilst unable to look after themselves, then put into care (either a care home, or multiple carers a day.) People generally died before they got to this stage. What has happened?

I don’t know the actual/legal answer, but morally- absolutely not, that’s disgraceful and disrespectful treatment for a vulnerable woman.

I know a lot of carers my ex husband was one and my sister a lot of men prefer women for intimate care they send men with them to supervise

I told my nans care company that she shouldn't have a man doing intimate care she had dementia got confused and scared easily they sent women i had a friend who needed a carer she was unbothered male or female but she had her faculties and I think that made a difference

It’s a daily thing in my 93 year old’s grandmother’s care home. They change her nappies, give her a shower. Women are not strong enough to do it and the staffing levels are majority men also. I was bewildered at first but did not have an alternative home to send her to in our price range and distance from home range.

Moral outrage at the thought of it is all well and good. But if we want to be selective, we'll all have to start paying a hell of a lot more for it.

That’s awful. 😢

Given that the overwhelming majority of carers are women, I think that it should be possible to guarantee a female carer if requested. It may be that the care provider needs to set up a list of reserve carers or have an arrangements with an agency. I understand they are often short-staffed but it is a problem that can be solved if the will is there.

It’s a daily thing in my 93 year old’s grandmother’s care home. They change her nappies, give her a shower.

Again, I really hope I don't get to this stage - ever.

The reality is that a lot of people that work in care now are black males that come with a work visa.
my son lives in a care home 3:1 and most are black males.

And I can honestly say they are flipping amazing!!!

is it suitable for an elderly woman, no it’s not but the care system isn’t what everyone expects it to be.

No, she has the right to decline but this may mean she doesn't get help at all, if there are no women available to do it. They can't promise what they don't have.

The reality is that the carer's workforce is now made up of women and immigrants - both female and male, which is why the government (via care agencies) can continue to get away with paying a pittance and often keeping them on terrible terms and conditions.

Speak to the care provider to request only female carers attend