Should my 90 year old mother have to accept intimate care from a man?

No, of course not. But I had to do it all for my mum, because they only sent men.

And from listening to the stories told by my elderly parents’ female carers, they have to deal with a lot of sexually inappropriate behaviour from their elderly male patients too.

What the actual fuck! How is this allowed? That poor woman! This has shocked me to the core!

No

My mum is in a care home and has both male and female staff doing this. Originally she would have preferred a female, but objecting would mean delayed help in her case.

Many of the carers in the home are husband and wife teams, one does day shift while the other looks after the kids and they then swap. Nearly all of them are from outside the UK and return home regularly. Mum is now used to it and says they are good.

I feel for your Mum obviously she should have the choice but this is a reason that social care needs reform to make it well paid so there is a choice of staff

I really hope we have some journalists reading this thread and they expose this! Vulnerable women should no way in hell be having intimate care by males! I am disgusted!

No. She shouldn’t have to put up with this. I wouldn’t either and I’m much younger than your mum.

Yes, and only yesterday I read about an older woman being filmed while assaulted by her "carer". Switzerland it is for me.

And if only a man is available then no carer.

I'm planning to have an injection before getting to this stage...

Have you missed all of human history? Me Too, Gisele, Epstein, my thumbs will fall off naming the myriad ways men attack vulnerable women.

No. No men giving intimate care to women. And for that matter, no women forced to give intimate care to men.

My grandmother had male carers throughout her time in a care home in the 1990s. She didn’t mind at all. She’d had male doctors all her life for everything from childbirth to haemorrhoids to breast surgery and she wasn’t fazed by a man helping her to the toilet.

My dad had both male and female carers throughout his time in care too.

I understand that some patients might not want this. But it’s simply not the case that all patients are bothered by it in the slightest. Loads really don’t mind at all. And lots of nurses are men in hospitals and so on.

Also, it’s bad news for women in general if care work and nursing is considered to be a job for women. Most male patients don’t get to say what sex their carer or nurse is, and men couldn’t do those jobs for women, we’d have very few men in caring roles at all. Which means wiping arses and emptying commodes becomes women’s work. No thanks.

This.

Is she capable of saying no wash today? Because you could accept the care and on days there is only a male, they can help with other stuff?

In mum’s care home she was given the option, however with the understanding it was a preference as there were male
carees there. As she needed two carers each time, I think we agreed she would have one man, one woman. However looking back, I think that some of the male carers were her favourites. A different scenario though as she got to know people and it’s a different environment to having someone come into your home.

Advances in medicine have enabled us to live much longer than even 30 years ago.
A double edged sword.
All these people saying they’d go to Dignitas miss the point that you’d have to be relatively well to make the arrangements and get there. It would be a strong minded person who’d go and off themselves under those circs.
It can be a gradual decline and then one day you just can’t get up.

This. It’s not ideal but care staff are over whelmed in most areas: it’s often hard to recruit and retain staff

She may well have to suck it up or remain dirty

Not the same as a man wanting women AT ALL.
You may have to pay privately. Absolutely disgraceful.

I imagine there are more women than men in this role by far. Can't your mum accept and on the condition a man turns up. Maybe she can get them to do something else?

The trouble is... you would think family muck in as its only short term.

No its bad news for women if their boundaries around their bodies aren’t respected!
Dont conflate sexism in the workplace with bodily autonomy and potential sexual assault.

I looked after my mother who lived 20 miles away. 3 x 40 mile round trips a day and I worked a nearly full time job. First visit started with me getting there at 6am last was leaving work at 6pm to give her food and put her to bed. Work was good that they would let me take a 2 hr lunch break to get her lunch. This went on for 3 years. Luckily my husband worked for himself and could look after our 12 monthyr old. Adult social care…….. Andy bring it on

When my late DM was in a succession of care homes, she fell for a succession of male carers from exotic countries. Perked her up a treat!

I really am astonished at how surprised people are at this situation
of course It would be great if everyone could be guaranteed a carer of the preferred sex, but we are so far from being able to provide this

the best we can hope for is that care providers are honest about the sex of the carer

It is not just shocking, I actually find quite devastating.

I cannot imagine the trauma of being forced to accept this (dementia patient).

I am so sorry your mum is not being afforded a dignified care option - she deserves that choice. The world is in a bad place.