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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Has anyone chosen to be the non-resident parent after separation?

178 replies

bubbyen · 05/08/2026 15:09

Has anyone given the kids to the dad and decided to be the NRP? I would do this if it was an option but he wouldn’t have them so sadly it isn’t. I know it’s controversial but I would happily be the NRP. Has anyone done this?

OP posts:
Original poster
bubbyen · 05/08/2026 17:03

Indianajet · 05/08/2026 17:00

The ages of your children are relevant - people would have different opinions if they are very young compared to teenagers.

I’m not asking for opinions I’m asking if anyone has done it or feels the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
bubbyen · 05/08/2026 17:04

frostinmayx · 05/08/2026 17:02

What do you think is best for your children?

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That their father never left but that wasn’t an option.

OP posts:
WannabeMathematician · 05/08/2026 17:09

I have a friend who’s done it. The kids are with their dad 6 nights a week and she has them one. But she does every school drop off and pick up so I’m not sure it’s the less effort option in that your thinking about.

Also lol at the comments “won’t someone think of the children”. It s a bit silly to hear (or read!) “I had this thought” and think it means “I’ve had this thought and I’ve had no others thoughts at another point and won’t be having anymore either.”

StraightTalkingTina · 05/08/2026 17:09

bubbyen · 05/08/2026 16:23

I would call anyone on 50:50 the NRP but that’s just my opinion.

he wouldn’t have them so there would be nothing to argue

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It’s a legality. One parent is always the resident parent and one is not, even in 50/50 settings.

does he give any support?

HelenHywater · 05/08/2026 17:10

14 years down the line, I often feel that my exh got the best deal - he saw them when he wanted and has a lovely, wealthier, stress free life, takes them out for dinner every so often and they think he's amazing!

I, on the other hand, am exhausted, and poor, have a life full of drudge and can never live up to the high(er) standards my chilren seem to have for me.

frostinmayx · 05/08/2026 17:12

bubbyen · 05/08/2026 17:04

That their father never left but that wasn’t an option.

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I’m sorry that you are going through this. Society does judge mothers a lot more harshly than fathers if they walk out.

Original poster
bubbyen · 05/08/2026 17:18

HelenHywater · 05/08/2026 17:10

14 years down the line, I often feel that my exh got the best deal - he saw them when he wanted and has a lovely, wealthier, stress free life, takes them out for dinner every so often and they think he's amazing!

I, on the other hand, am exhausted, and poor, have a life full of drudge and can never live up to the high(er) standards my chilren seem to have for me.

That’s exactly how I feel. I definitely feel like the loser in the situation

OP posts:
Noshadowsinthedarkness · 05/08/2026 18:14

I think when exhausted it sounds good in theory.

The reality I see with friends who have been forced to have 50/50 is actually much sadder. Missing birthdays, Christmas, special occasions and also that empty home feeling.

Also it seems often the Mother keeps the mental load even when time is 50/50.

I am sorry you’re going through this OP.

Original poster
bubbyen · 05/08/2026 18:22

My kids were so awful one Christmas I would have happily let their father take them for it and he does all the hard work without even a thanks

OP posts:
Crudd99 · 05/08/2026 19:26

My sister did this . She gave her ex husband custody because she got a new husband lined up. Her ex husband had wanted custody because he loves his children and knew what she was like. Her 2nd marriage didn't last and then she wanted her kids back. They wanted to stay with their dad and he had custody so she caused as much trouble as she could between her children and her 1st husband. It badly affected the children emotionally and it caused a lot of trouble for them. She left the kids alone when she got her 3rd husband. The children felt abandoned and not wanted by her and it's damaged their relationship with her. I feel sorry for your children.

dreamingofgoodhair · 05/08/2026 19:29

frostinmayx · 05/08/2026 16:58

Mothers are biological more attached to their children than fathers.

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Maybe, but you can still find it extremely hard.

Original poster
bubbyen · 05/08/2026 19:33

Crudd99 · 05/08/2026 19:26

My sister did this . She gave her ex husband custody because she got a new husband lined up. Her ex husband had wanted custody because he loves his children and knew what she was like. Her 2nd marriage didn't last and then she wanted her kids back. They wanted to stay with their dad and he had custody so she caused as much trouble as she could between her children and her 1st husband. It badly affected the children emotionally and it caused a lot of trouble for them. She left the kids alone when she got her 3rd husband. The children felt abandoned and not wanted by her and it's damaged their relationship with her. I feel sorry for your children.

That’s sad but my kids feel the same being abandoned by their father

OP posts:
ineedadehumidifier · 05/08/2026 19:40

You aren’t wrong op, Fathers do this all the time and no one bats an eyelid. In fact, if they look after their own children even 20% of the time, they are applauded as being “amazing fathers” by some. Mothers do so often get stuck with all the hard graft whilst simultaneously being expected to feel grateful for it?

Original poster
bubbyen · 05/08/2026 19:46

Thank you, I’ve even seen posters on here saying don’t let dad have 50/50 it’s awful for kids, kids need a base, dad should only see them every other weekend, why’s that ok for men but not women?

OP posts:
frostinmayx · 05/08/2026 19:55

bubbyen · 05/08/2026 19:46

Thank you, I’ve even seen posters on here saying don’t let dad have 50/50 it’s awful for kids, kids need a base, dad should only see them every other weekend, why’s that ok for men but not women?

Was it a joint decision to have children?

Original poster
bubbyen · 05/08/2026 20:03

Yes he was very much involved in the decision to have children.

OP posts:
Iceplanet · 05/08/2026 20:12

Hayden panettiere did it.

MigGirl · 05/08/2026 20:16

Well I know of 2 families where it was the mum that walked out and left the father with the children 😕. I think whichever way round it is the children will feel rejected by the parent that left, doesn't really matter which one.

It's better all round if parents can be amicable and children can see their parents as often as possible. I know that's in an ideal world and things are often a lot messier then this.

But it does seem a bit sad OP that their dad has left and you also don't want to have them all of the time. Do you have any family support?

flippinnorastights · 05/08/2026 20:16

My mum did it. My dad is amazing. She’s a shit mum. She wanted the fun times and none of the hassle yet expected to swan in when it suited her and pretend she still had a proper relationship with us. She didn’t and she doesn’t. If you’re ok with that then jog on

Original poster
bubbyen · 05/08/2026 20:18

MigGirl · 05/08/2026 20:16

Well I know of 2 families where it was the mum that walked out and left the father with the children 😕. I think whichever way round it is the children will feel rejected by the parent that left, doesn't really matter which one.

It's better all round if parents can be amicable and children can see their parents as often as possible. I know that's in an ideal world and things are often a lot messier then this.

But it does seem a bit sad OP that their dad has left and you also don't want to have them all of the time. Do you have any family support?

No I don’t

OP posts:
Original poster
bubbyen · 05/08/2026 20:19

flippinnorastights · 05/08/2026 20:16

My mum did it. My dad is amazing. She’s a shit mum. She wanted the fun times and none of the hassle yet expected to swan in when it suited her and pretend she still had a proper relationship with us. She didn’t and she doesn’t. If you’re ok with that then jog on

It’s what most dads do and yes I do say most as it is most of the separated ones

OP posts:
flippinnorastights · 05/08/2026 20:20

bubbyen · 05/08/2026 19:46

Thank you, I’ve even seen posters on here saying don’t let dad have 50/50 it’s awful for kids, kids need a base, dad should only see them every other weekend, why’s that ok for men but not women?

Do you have a daughter? Dads can obviously be great but having a mum who chose not to be around much. It’s the biggest loss in a way a father isn’t especially if the mother has been the primary carer

flippinnorastights · 05/08/2026 20:21

bubbyen · 05/08/2026 20:19

It’s what most dads do and yes I do say most as it is most of the separated ones

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Do you care about the impact on your kids or do you just care about yourself

deepseaargyllfish · 05/08/2026 20:23

I would happily choose to be the NRP given the chance. An empty house when I’m home from work doesn’t scare me and in fact sounds like bliss.

Original poster
bubbyen · 05/08/2026 20:24

flippinnorastights · 05/08/2026 20:20

Do you have a daughter? Dads can obviously be great but having a mum who chose not to be around much. It’s the biggest loss in a way a father isn’t especially if the mother has been the primary carer

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Why no the same for sons? Sons need a dad

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