Has anyone chosen to be the non-resident parent after separation?

[bubbyen]

Has anyone given the kids to the dad and decided to be the NRP? I would do this if it was an option but he wouldn’t have them so sadly it isn’t. I know it’s controversial but I would happily be the NRP. Has anyone done this?

I think she’s in a mess (sorry OP. I don’t like talking about people as if they aren’t there) where to be really blunt about it she’s just been eaten up with bitterness.

Thing is, none of what she says is wrong. It is wrong men can walk away and women generally can’t. It is wrong parenting solo gets forced on one person. It is wrong. But fixating on the fact it’s wrong doesn’t help either.

I actually agree with this. I especially agree with your last line. She is wasting a lot of energy feeling bitter and resentful towards the ex. While this is of course highly understandable, it is also not at all useful and is bad both for her own mental health and for that of her children.

You need to be clear - how many and old are they (sorry, but it does make a difference if they are in infant, junior, secondary or in the middle of GCSE/A Levels), are you FT employed in a challenging career, is dad also, do either of you have extended family support, and lastly why are you separating (affair, domestic abuse, just fallen out of love, is also important to context)?

This is patronising twaddle that keeps women firmly rooted in gender role expectations

I'd be very happy to do 50/50 and if I could go back in time, I'd have insisted on it. I don't love my children any less than you do.

I think as long as the man isn't abusive or neglectful, then this should always be the starting position. The narrative around women loving their kids more, or having more of a connection with them, is very helpful for dads.

I agree. What rubbish.

Do you know that to be true? Where is the scientific evidence for that?

There is plenty of biological evidence. Children whose mothers walk out on them will almost always experience emotional abandonment issues. This form of trauma shatters a child's foundational sense of safety, love, and security.

Does it make a difference?

I don’t think it does actually. It might to me or you but to OP, well, she feels now she feels.

Also she gets shirty if anyone asks these questions. Unfortunately for her, she has a very distinctive posting style and she posts fairly frequently.

It happens when fathers leave too my son is medicated he is 17 years old and a medicated shut in I can scream at the universe all I want but its not going to change anything my son is damaged

I know, I do recognise her (as in her posting history, not who she is in RL.)

I suppose if you were to ask me honestly, I think she was unwise to have four children, it’s a lot to manage even with a supportive partner. But it is done now. I think she’s probably fixating on the partner leaving and perhaps hasn’t admitted to herself that maybe life would have been challenging anyway.

Then I think she’s making life needlessly difficult for herself with the eldest DDs schooling situation. I know others have offered advice on this before but it adds to the ‘never getting a break’ aspect of it all.

If I was friends with her, I’d say the above but it’s always easy to sort other peoples problems.

I had ‘second child regret.’ Not her personally as I adore her but I did find myself often thinking about how easy life would be with just one child. My DD is now three and slowly I’m coming out of that but I recognise that way of thinking; you start fixating on something ‘if only if only’ and it becomes (in your mind) the magical solution. It isn’t, generally speaking anyway,

I understand OP.

Two of my friends have been walked out on by their husband.

Friend 1: The ex has had absolutely nothing to do with their child since he walked out on her. Their son is 10 years old and he hasn’t seen his dad in over 8 years. My friend is exhausted and very resentful.

Friend 2: She has two sons and the Ex has them 4 full days a month (EOW) and 1 evening a week. It’s pathetic. My friend is exhausted. He gets to his enjoy his Disney Dad role EOW and he takes them to McDonalds on the one weekday evening he sees them whereas my friend does all actual brunt and mental load that comes with being a proper parent for the rest of the month. She loves her children very much but she still sees how unfair it is and will sometimes vocalise how she wishes it was the other way round just so she could have a break.

If we have a look back at the history of parenting and motherhood, this all consuming mother/baby bond appears to be not the big deal we make of it these days.

I'm not saying it's not important, of course it is, but it appears to me that men are utterly milking this mother/baby love to their advantage. Largely, by men historically telling women who and what they are, and deciding that while she's wiping the baby's bum, she can wipe his as well, metaphorically speaking.

The shaming of mothers (a very powerful way to socially control) is standard if they don't live up to the ideal, self sacrificing mother - just look at many of the comments here.

But history shows that this self sacrificing mother thing isn't a biological given, for example infantacide and child abandonment was historically a huge problem in this country and most other countries as far as I'm aware, and is still rife in some countries.

It also seems that the isolation of mothers in nuclear families is the main way that men control and hold back women. It's working fine for them.

Women who want children might be better off just living with other women in a similar situation.

I've also noticed how right wing powerful men, such as J D Vance and many religions stress the importance of the family. Also restricting abortion.

Seems it's often in the family that women get trapped and overloaded, while men get ahead so no wonder powerful men want that.

Infanticide and child abandonment is often due to extreme poverty and severe social stigma.

I didn't say it wasn't.

But historically, it was common.

Absolutely agree

I am reading these comments and I understand but why do people not think a father abandoning his kids also messes them up? Because it does
I don't know anyone who think it is okay for a dad not to want to see his kids as often as possible.

Of course it messes up kids too.

I have a very good friend who's husband left her and moved country leaving her with two very young children. He has them for 1 week where he lives one week every other school holidays.
My friend is a saint but I've seen the cracks. When the kids are desperate to see him cos he's fun, while she's the normal. When the kids are naughty, sad, hyper, dysregulated etc. When she just wants to join her friends at the pub quiz or try and attend both kids end of year assemblies and sports days. It's just too much for one person without sacrificing more than you ever thought you would.

I adore my DS more than I can put into words, but I never intended to have a child alone and while the thought of having any time away from him seems awful, imo (for the parents happiness and welfare) it takes more than one person to raise a child.

Yes, but it was out of extreme desperation rather than lack of care.

While I could never do this myself, parenting is hard. Especially for mums who ( usually) carry all the mental load, work, and do all the drudgery often with financial stress while dads swan off , see their kids at weekends for fun and people think they’re amazing.
i didn’t feel particularly maternal, I loved my kids completely and wholly but they also annoyed me and bored me to tears . I did all the work, carried all the stress yet kids think dad is great cos he’s now fun . Well he wasn’t when we were together !

it is unfair
and mothers are seen differently to dads. If op simply dumped her kids at their dads and left and said I’ll see you eow there’d be cries of abuse snd abandonment yet we applaud dads who do the same and congratulate them for retaining a pitiful presence in their children’s lives.

i have no doubt ops children will really appreciate her when they’re adults - but that feels a long time right now

frostinmayx · Today 21:15
'Brokenandbewildered · Today 20:38
But historically, it was common.

Yes, but it was out of extreme desperation rather than lack of care.'

Yes, thankfully we have contraception now. It was also common to send children away to relatives.

Oh and I think If we look back in history mums were never expected to single handedly raise children. I don’t means dads stuck around but kids were looked after by extrnddd families, communities, played out in streets all day and neighbours watched, older siblings looked after younger ones etc.

I know from my own childhood in 70/80s we were out all day, mum
dudnt know where we were and didn’t really care as they’d his it was. We also were never ‘entertained’… we did what parents wanted to do and helped. And were frequently told only boring people got bored or if we were bored they’d find us something to do ( ie chores! ) so we’d quickly bugger off out again!
parenting now is very very different with so much pressure put generally on mums