Has anyone chosen to be the non-resident parent after separation?

[bubbyen]

Has anyone given the kids to the dad and decided to be the NRP? I would do this if it was an option but he wouldn’t have them so sadly it isn’t. I know it’s controversial but I would happily be the NRP. Has anyone done this?

I’m better? Yes children brought up with their biological parents tend to fair better in life that’s a fact,

I’ve often wondered the same @bubbyenbut couldn’t do it to my children. Every situation is different. Ignore that nasty, judgemental posts.

This is a really strange thing to say. I have my children all of the time but I am far more than a Mother!
No judgement on the NRP thing though. You feel how you feel.

I know a few people whose mum’s left and their Dad’s were their main carers. They are very close to their Dads but the scar of being abandoned by their mothers is deep and definitely messed them up - all had difficult times in teens, have had counselling and have tricky relationships with their mothers now. The mothers aren’t happy either now that they are older and lonely and have a more distant relationship with their grandkids.

This is a really interesting thread, because it shows how many different views there are around this. In my opinion, child rearing is one of the last areas where sexism is so mainstream and accepted, probably because it’s one of the areas with the strongest basis in biology.

My kids dad left when my youngest was under 1 and although he has remained present in their life it’s very much an every-other-weekend Disney dad thing. I think that level of contact is absolutely appalling as a parent and I will never forgive what he has done to them. He doesn’t think he has done anything wrong because he has “stepped up” and does more than his own father did.

Whilst they were young, I covered for a lot of his failings. If there was a school play I would text him the date, remind him, buy him a ticket etc. He never understood, despite a lot of discussions, that these were things he should be doing for himself. I’ve told him that I absolutely won’t do the same for secondary school and he can choose to work it out or not. He’s really cross that I won’t eg text answers to his questions about school day timings when the info is publicly available and keeps telling me how time consuming this is - yes, no shit!

They’re now preteen and he accuses me of alienating them when they talk to me about the fact he doesn’t know how to do pretty basic things for them. He seems to think I’m telling them that he’s useless, instead of them realising it for themselves. I suspect they won’t choose to have a relationship with him in adulthood.

My family isn’t an exception, I know so so many single mums in this position. All of the dads are functioning members of society respected at work, with friends, family etc. People quite regularly tell me how nice my ex is or how good he is with the kids, despite knowing how little he does. I only know one dad in that position and - people are continually absolutely horrible about the mum and horrified that she has the kids so little.

I believe it’s a pattern that starts in the early years with mum-at-home-dad-at-work which reinforces the gender divide here. I would love to see a Scandinavian type maternity leave system where dads have a much longer period of paid paternity leave that they either use or lose so more men are experienced caregivers from day 1.

You know @Aabbcc1235 it’s men generally. I’m sure some will insist not all men but I don’t know or can’t think of any who make a note of when the INSET days are or sports days. It’s so frustrating.

I don’t disagree with you actually, I know so many married women frustrated with that imbalance too - but if affects the kids less when parents are together because mum is picking up the slack.

If it was the norm that men had 6 months to a year, out of work, paid or partially paid, once maternity leave is finished then I think that society norms around some of this would start changing.

I’d like to think so but I’m not sure. It’s attitudinal. They don’t do it because they just don’t want to. And that forces the other parent to do it.

Before I had kids, I always said I didn’t want them but would have happily have been a divorced dad. Now I have them, I’d hate to be separated from them. I do think the biological link for mothers is significantly, vastly, immeasurably stronger.

There is a saying that ‘men love women, women love children.’

In many cases (not all, I know!) the bond a man has with his children is linked to the mother. If the relationship with the mother is severed then that affects the relationship with the children.

I find it very weird that any parent wouldn't want their children as much as possible. I have mine 11 out of 14 days.

I judge fathers who don't see their kids much too

When you’re doing it day in and day out, with no support at all, it’s absolutely relentless.

I am currently in that position, it’s no one’s fault but it means even things like going for a hair appointment or having my bikini waxed is a logistical challenge. I can’t have a social life. Yes, I realise there are babysitters but then you’re adding on the best part of £40 onto a meal out and drinks which is already expensive (and if you’re on your own there’s a good chance income is already stretched.)

It isn’t about not loving your children. I adore mine, always have. But I do sometimes need time away from them. Partly just so I can get things done and partly for me. When you don’t get that it’s really hard and I’m only a few months into this. After years it’s absolutely grinding.

Yes I was the NRP, but through bullying and coercion by him, not by choice. He knew the kids were all I cared about so had to punish me with insane legal actions and generally by making my life (and the DCs' lives) impossible.

I don't want to go into detail but it mentally and emotionally destroyed me. Mothers will mother.

Absolutely this. I cannot stress this enough

I think that I possibly recognize this OP from past threads. If she's the person I'm thinking of, her life is certainly quite tough with a fairly large number of kids and a deadbeat ex. That said, it's the children I feel sorriest for, as neither parent really wants them.

Can't you read between the lines that OP is burned out and exhausted, needs a break from the overwhelm and is thinking how much easier the NRP has it?
And....it's not because some dads are self-centred and only consider their kids worthy for the positive aspects it brings to them that it's okay for mums to be the same.

It makes me so angry how men and women have children for the fun of it and forget that the moment you have children, you turn into a person with responsibilities to vulnerable people.

It doesn't matter how hard, tiring, not fun it can be, your responsibilities don't diminish because it's not what you thought it would be. If you struggle, seek help but don't walk away.

So tired of kids who are being emotionally neglected by their parents who care more about their own needs than those of their kids. It's bad enough when it's one parent, both both. Kids known exactly what is going on. They will know that unlike some of their friends whose parents are fighting to have them more, theirs are fighting to have them less. How is that supposed to make them feel but unloved and worthless.

Makes me so angry on their behalf.

Ofcourse no one is questioning that. But you say you’d rather be the NRP (so parentIng approx 6 days a month), and this is okay as many dads do this and it’s not as if you’re putting them into Care! You are justifying what you’d like, minimum parenting (6 days) against no parenting at all. This justification is against a very low bar. So no justification at all really.

Sadly, if you and their dad don’t want them, maybe they’d be better off in Care.

I have to say I agree with this. In short, two wrongs don't make a right.

They don’t, but exhaustion and burnout turn people into being who they aren’t really.

There’s a lady in moneysaving expert who’s done just this, they lived in London and couldn’t afford a property / rent but didn’t want to move the kids schools etc. so they went to live with dad and his new partner, she (and her new partner) bought a house on the coast couple of hundred miles away. She goes back regularly and stays in hostels abd sees the kids, she has them for at least 2 weeks in the summer abd most holidays. It works really well for them, the kids are old enough now to discuss it with them and they are happy.

They don’t, but exhaustion and burnout turn people into being who they aren’t really
It doesn't mean the children have to be the emotional casualties so their parents have it better.

Parenting is utterly exhausting. When burnout comes into it, it's time to consider making changes but not at the cost of the children.

I’d be interested in knowing what changes you’d suggest as usually changes are prohibitively expensive for all but the wealthiest amongst us.

The kids may say and even believe that they are happy - they may well be happy. But that doesn’t mean that there is no psychological impact from being partially rejected by your mother. They may not realise the impact until they have their own children.

I am reading these comments and I understand but why do people not think a father abandoning his kids also messes them up? Because it does.