Has anyone chosen to be the non-resident parent after separation?

[bubbyen]

Has anyone given the kids to the dad and decided to be the NRP? I would do this if it was an option but he wouldn’t have them so sadly it isn’t. I know it’s controversial but I would happily be the NRP. Has anyone done this?

That’s sad that he doesn’t want the children.

Me too. Someone said empty house and I thought gosh that sounds great! Is that a bad thing?

I'd say most mothers struggle being away from their children for several days, at least at first. After a while they get to enjoy the child free time usually. I don't think many would want to only see their kids every other weekend, I certainly wouldn't. But each to their own I guess - if it works for some that's fine isn't it? I know a couple of men who's mothers left when they were teens - both had issues with insecurity and abandonment!

Can't you read between the lines that OP is burned out and exhausted, needs a break from the overwhelm and is thinking how much easier the NRP has it?

I am happily married with a supportive and equal partner and parent to my kids. I still quite regularly wish they would all fuck off so I could have some space for myself.

Some judgey responses. No one judges a bloke for walking away from his kids. I know vastly more men that had no contact at all with at least one of their kids than I do men who are the resident parent. I actually don't know any men who have more than a few nights with some of their kids (not even all their kids) and they get no backlash at all for it.

I would love to just get the fun bits with my kids. It's shit being the workhorse. But that isn't an option for me, my eldests dad is abusive to him and even if he wasn't he'd raise him to be an abusive woman hating loser just like him. And my DH, father of my youngests is the greatest man I've ever met and I wouldn't lose him for anything. If we did split I'd probably give him the kids as he's a far better father to all my kids than I am mother.

You realise she's not actually doing it? Just saying how nice it would be. So obviously she cares about her kids. She's stepping up and looking after the kids they both wanted because their father doesn't want them.

We don't have to pretend being a single parent is wonderful, it's bloody hard work.

Same for kids whose dads have left

Thank you. Honestly some of these comments are so judgemental. I didn’t have kids to raise them alone.

I know how hard it is, I’m a lone parent as well as having been left by my mother. I can see both sides

Thank you. Exactly I struggle to find this enjoyable and pretending like I’m the winner in the situation, I’m fed up of pretending.

My mum did. Struggle to understand how she could. I don’t think I could, I struggle not to judge.

No way would I ever choose to be NRP. My ex has never mentioned or wanted 50/50 either thankfully. Would like it to be more than the the current 96/04 but still!

Why did you have them if you didn’t actually want them? That’s really sad. Yes, parenting is really bloody hard but I’d absolutely die of a broken heart if I was not the primary parent.

Did I have them to raise them alone? No. Do you ask men that?

I absolutely would - men who leave their kids are awful, but unfortunately it’s so common it doesn’t draw much attention. I feel very sorry for your children that neither of their parents really want them, I could never leave mine and would rather have them 100% solo than shared.

And I find it sad that women base their whole lives and personality around their children but there you go.

You sound exhausted and completely burnt out which is understandable. I am almost certain you wouldn't feel this way if your ex did more for the children and you had more physical support around you. A very tough situation. I'm sorry. I really don't know what to say to make you feel better but wanted to send you a cyber hug. X

Thank you. But I think I would, at least minimum I would want would be 50/50

I do think that it takes "a village" to raise a child, it's not meant to be a solo effort. Sure you'll get the odd happy single mum of 6 or more with no help but most people in your situation find it hard.

Definitely. My son idolises his father, who is charming and good fun, with zero responsibility. He doesn't even pay child support. I'm just the boring one who's always available to do everything and pay for everything.

Fair enough. I don't have personal experience but I reckon there are mothers who have a similar situation to you and will feel like you do. I think it's considered a bit taboo to admit it but you are being honest and that's fine. If it wasn't taboo I guess you would feel less alone in how you feel. I don't know what practical advice I can offer, I just hope things start feeling easier for you soon. Best wishes.

No, I get this.

@bubbyen I adore mine, as I’m sure you do yours. I’d take a bullet for them without hesitation and lay my life down for theirs without so much as a ‘what if.’ I love them unequivocally and I undergo so many sacrifices to keep them happy. And sometimes, I want them out of my hair for a few bloody hours!

I can remember being so exhausted with young children that at times I felt like this. I remember my cousin joking that she and her husband were thinking of splitting up just to get some free time every other weekend. But believe me, children’s behaviour gets easier and by the time they’re teenagers, they’re such fun and the tables turn, you desperately want to spend time with them and take the crumbs they offer in between doing the things they want to and going out with their mates.
In that situation I wouldn’t want to be the NRP, half the time they wouldn’t even go.

Surely your love for them outweighs having to raise them alone? And no, I wouldn’t ask a man that. Women are nurturing - most of the time parenting comes naturally and the love for their children is like no other. I would go to the end of the earth for my daughter and if her dad ever tried for even 50/50 custody I would fight until I had nothing left. Men are built differently - it’s unfortunate but they will never understand what it’s like to be a mother and the feelings that come with it.

It's ridiculous. Always women getting screwed over by men that walk out on their kids and by other women making them feel worth less because they struggle being a full time single mother and wouldn't have chosen to be. Parenting is hard and men get a free pass because no one makes them accountable.

There should be an enforceable law at least making loser fathers pay through the nose for their children - if they don't it carries the same penalties as public revenue fraud, and compulsory castration vasectomies so no second families. (Yes I know I'm a terrible person, body autonomy is a right etc)