Has anyone chosen to be the non-resident parent after separation?

[bubbyen]

Has anyone given the kids to the dad and decided to be the NRP? I would do this if it was an option but he wouldn’t have them so sadly it isn’t. I know it’s controversial but I would happily be the NRP. Has anyone done this?

Nobody is saying it doesn't. Just that two wrongs don't make a right. Also, the people who say the mother/child bond is stronger are correct, it is just biology. I say this as a woman who has never wanted children, so I didn't have them. I don't really understand your mentality, if I'm honest. IIRC you have four children, which is a lot even under ideal circumstances. Did you not realise that they were hard work before he left?

well that’s ridiculous isnt it. Raising 4 children alone and raising 4 children with a partner is entirely different, this is why I didn’t want to mention how many I had because mumsnet judgement over having 4 is crazy, Back in the real world it’s not a big deal like it’s made to be on here. Anyway im out as im not going to be judged for having 4 kids like im some kind of freak. It’s really not a big deal”massive amount”

And maybe he shouldn’t have had 4 either if he didn’t want to raise them but apparently it’s only mums that should have thought about it! Im out.

It isn't ridiculous. I feel sorry for the children, if I'm honest. Neither of you seems to want them, they didn't ask to be born. Nobody is excusing him, but it also isn't their fault that he is a deadbeat. I cannot believe that there were no indications whatsoever that he was likely to let you down.

Exactly

Berating someone over the number of children they have is pointless and cruel.

A mother leaving their children will mess them up more. A child’s first bond of love and trust is usually formed with its mother.

I don't always get the logic of this OP. Apparently 50:50 is the gold standard but then it's worse for kids when mum walks away than dad.

?

Not as cruel as having four children, constantly complaining about them, and thinking you deserve a medal for not putting them in care.

See I’m interpreting it differently. I don’t think she’s complaining about them as much as how stifled and suffocated she is by having them constantly. It’s more ‘i didn’t sign up for this’ than ‘I hate my children.’

The logic is biology. Pregnancy and birth makes a mother’s bond stronger than a father’s.

You could be right. I suppose my response is influenced by how often the OP has posted about this before. I can't help but feel awful for her children. They didn't ask to be born.

I hear you, OP.

When I first split from my ExH, we agreed 50/50 and it broke me to start with - mine were very small and I felt so judged - but I soon began to relish it, having time and space for me, being able to travel for work and to see friends, not having to cook Every Bloody Night, sleeping better, having just a bit more money...

And then my ExH fucked up and I ended up with 5 nights a month to myself - and whilst I'm obviously grateful for this, it's NOT the life I wanted.

I love my DC, who are now teens, and love that we have such a close, tight relationship which they categorically don't have with their Dad but... I am exhausted, skint, burnt out from carrying aaaall the loads, hugely stalled in my career until recently and still having to do it all!

The double standards are outrageous - i get my 5 nights so am 'lucky' (no maintenance, mind you but hey - another thing that is just shoved under the carpet when men leave!)..

Am I bitter? Yeah, a little bit.. Do I think about my kids every day and support them and do everything to make their lives better? Of course.. the two are not mutually exclusive!

So why does that suddenly count for nothing when dad wants 50:50 and mum doesn't? It seems like a double standard.

I'm not blaming you OP but I think as a whole we could do with being more honest about big families. Back in the days when schools didn't expect high levels of involvement, kids could be sent to play in the streets and the older ones parentified I'm sure it was fine. Nowadays even with both parents it's a bad idea unless you've got either additional support or no need for down time.

It is usually the mother that has the final decision on how many children to have, as she is the one who gets pregnant and give birth. It’s also usually the mother who takes maternity leave (which can affect her career and pension.)

Is she being cruel or harmful to them, though? I’m not getting that impression.

I personally feel the OP would benefit from trying to change her view but you can’t force it and her children are well cared for AFAIK

It’s easier for fathers to walk away from their children when a relationship breaks down. Fathers are usually not so emotionally attached to their children. They didn’t get 9 months paternity leave so are used to not being around their children in the day from the newborn stage.

In an “ideal” world both parents should want their children but plenty of fathers don’t.

She maybe doesn't neglect them physically, but I'm not so sure about emotionally. All her posts seem very 'me, me, me'. To be fair, that could just be because she is venting on here, but it is something I've noticed both on this thread and on her many previous threads on this topic. Everything seems to be about how the father leaving affected her, rather than about the impact on the kids.

I don't think it was 'fine' that older children were parentified. Just because it was 'acceptable' back then doesn't mean it was a good thing. That said, I agree with you that having a large family is not a good idea unless you have either a lot of money or a lot of family support.

It’s pointless going on about that though - it’s happened, it’s done, once you have four children you have four children.

The exploitation of the oldest girl in big families in days gone by is quite something. My grandmother was the eldest of seven actually. She had one child (my mum!)

I mean, yes. Once it's done it is done. But OP is rather self focussed, which is why I feel bad for her kids. I totally hear you about the expectations placed on older girls, that sounds like hell.

Which decade were you born in? You sound very cliched and old fashioned with your assumptions about gender.

I mean fine for mum not the kids, maybe not so much as fine but it made having that many children manageable. I can't help but notice how most of these parentified older girls of big families don't have big families themselves.

I don’t think it was exploitation. It was just expected that the older daughters would help.

There was no birth control and no white goods so life was much harder. Mothers needed help in the home.