Son moving in with gf, but I’m not really ok about it 😬

It still could affect her benefits. He will be classed as non dependant for UC purposes and her income will be reduced on a sliding scale depending on his income. His benefits are classed as income in to the household .
it will also effect council tax.

When my family member was in supported living they had no bills at all apart from a small service charge of £15 pw. They lived off their benefits - universal credit and PIP.

If your DS is not in education

He needs to claim job seekers or UC so that his National Insurance contributions are paid towards benefits & his state pension

Or get a job

That doesn't sound right. He would be classed as her partner and they would make a joint claim for benefits.

I think it’s naturally that a 19 year old young man wants to be in a private accommodation with his romantic partner and no cost!
have a chat with him about these things: seeing his friends and family regularly- if she is a good gf she will support him doing this even if she is shy, what he is signing up to in terms of bills etc, where does he officially live - if with her then it may impact her benefits etc so they need to be careful. They like routine so maybe you count suggest he comes to you for dinner on Tuesdays for example and she’s invited if ever she wants to.

You talk to him calmly and reasonably with the objective of getting him to wait, not to abandon the idea completely.

You explain the various concerns, how adults usually wait much longer than two months, how living together is a really major step. You discuss how finances will work and find out what the plan is in this regard. You lay out the savings he’s making by living with you. You talk about contraception and what he’d do if he learned he was going to become a father. You talk about how devastating it is when a relationship ends and you’ve been living together rather than just dating. You talk about marriage - does he think he’ll marry her?

In short, you have lots of reasonable discussions of all aspects of the topic in the hope of bringing him to the sensible conclusion of waiting a while. And separately, so does DH.

You said that she won’t meet up with you due to her high anxiety. Could you arrange a trip out somewhere on neutral ground, doing an activity together? It might make the social aspect easier for her? We did things like an escape room with our DD and now SIL when we were getting to know him (also ND). It worked really well as we got to know each other without the awkward small talk face to face.

I’d be unhappy but I’d let him do it whilst making sure he knew he would be welcome back home at any time.

have you said at any point to him that leaving colleague and quitting his paid job don’t exactly point towards
a) being in a stable position to move into somewhere where he has bills and financial commitments
b) showing that he is ready to do this when he can’t hold down a job and isn’t actually doing anything either work wise or in education.

What are his plans? You say he makes meals and makes the place look nice. Unless that is literally all he is capable of why is he not doing more with himself?

Care leavers have a ‘personal adviser’ instead of a social worker after the age of 18 so she will have support. I wouldn’t have thought you would be able to contact them yourself but it will be someone checking in with her and visiting to see how she is getting on with her living arrangements and to help her with benefits and health appointments and things like that.

If your son has moved in I am sure the personal adviser would know about it and of course any support staff that work in the house. I know a few supported living houses and they generally have a manager and 24 hour staff on a rota basis. The rules are strict re visitors and what time they come home etc. Based on the fact that you say your son has already moved in I would say it is not that set up.

It’s a good idea to invite your son around regularly for a meal or take him out for a coffee etc or whatever he likes doing and invite her as well as pps have suggested.

It is very difficult, especially if both of them are High Functioning Autistic. However, you have to think that age of ASD people is minus VAT so the two of them are really both only 16 ! This, even if both have IQs even in the 120s. Nobody, on here would allow two 16 year olds to move in together. It is one area of law that does not protect the two"vulnerable" 19 year olds here.

The, relationship is also probably similar to ones 16 & 17 year olds have at school in the Lower 6th ?

I wouldn't be happy either. I understand her not wanting to meet you to some extent but you are his parents. If she loves him as much as he loves her she will have to meet at some point. I would try insist that you meet her briefly before they more in together as that isn't okay with either of you.
Has he met her parents?
I also think it is very different to a young person moving to uni or sharing with a friend, imo 19 is far too young(especially barely knowing each other) to live as a couple.
I say all this as someone who is ND and has 4 sons 26,23, 20 and 18, three of whom also ND.

The issues around consent for young people with additional needsvis complex. The bottom line is that services consider them to have the same rights as any adult, unless you have some kind of formal authority to act on their behalf, and it's not easy to get that.

OP, I suggest you call the National Autistic Society or Mencap and explain the situation and see what they suggest.

As hard as it is , don't disapprove. You will end up pushing him away . You don't have no choice now as he is an adult , just be there for him

What a load of absolute bullshit.

Signed. A Female.

And she’d have a point, wouldn’t she? OP, as someone whose childhood was completely dogshit and is ND (though, I suspect, more independent than the woman in this case), I urge you to consider, if you haven’t already, that she has very untraditional experience with families and so the prospect of being in one may well confuse and panic her. Ambushing her may do far more harm than good to your future relationship and, by extension, your relationship with your son. I’m not saying don’t push for a meeting; the suggestions to urge a meeting on neutral ground, just the three of you to start, is sensible. But turning up unannounced on her door is cruel when you know what you do about her background. I’ve been with my partner for years, but I still find family stuff incredibly triggering.

But she is female? It's an accurate description.

Finally someone with sense!

Why don’t you call up the supported housing provider or the council housing office and find out whether him moving in is even an option? If that block of flats doesn’t allow others to move in, then the whole question of him moving in with her becomes academic. All you have to do is then tell him that if moved in they would both get evicted and so he can’t do it.

You say he’s on high level PIP, so how independent is he at home? because that is only awarded when support is needed for very basic things like making meals and getting dressed or can’t be left unsupervised. So how is he going to be supported if he moved out? The ‘supported’ part of the accommodation is only being provided for the girlfriend and she may be higher needs than your son. The staff at the building won’t be doing anything for your son if he’s not been approved to receive anything from them, so how does he manage away from home full-time with no support at all in place for him. You say the girlfriend won’t meet you, so that means she won’t want you in on a daily basis to do things for your son.

And it’s an adjective, not a noun, when humans are under discussion, if only because it was comprehensively hijacked and tainted by the very worst kind of men in their comments about women, and it’s simply a very freighted term for most (I’d say?) of us.
It conveys bone-deep misogyny. Typically, it’ll be used in a context where men remain ‘men’ and not males, but women are always ‘females’, and the contrast is intentionally glaring.

Buy suit yourself, naturally.

I have a ND son who sounds very similar. He’s younger but I can absolutely imagine something like this in his future. It must be very worrying and I totally understand all the concerns. Just a few points in case they help at all:

1. if it was me, I would be a little reassured by his GF being ND. I would be freaking out more if he was with someone more sophisticated than him because he would be very easy to take advantage of.
2. Buy the condoms. And get him to practice the whole sex ed thing with putting one on a banana, or ask your DH to. He may not understand that although they don’t feel ready, that can change v fast the heat of the moment. ND kids tend to have even less impulse control than NT teenagers.
3. Not to be harsh because I’m sure their feelings are real, but try to think of this as a “special interest” phase. If he’s anything like my son, he’s been through many stages of intense obsession over the years but 9/10 times he eventually moves onto something else. And if it is a stable relationship that does last long term, isn’t that what you would want for him?

A couple of red flags here:

1. Sent a fb friend request just 2 months ago, not saying anything is wrong with a woman reaching out first. But she reached out just 2 months ago and everything moved so fast that they want to move in together now, it seems off.
2. She doesn't want to meet you guys, that's not safe. The least she can do is to have a chat with you guys or even a video call.

I don't know how to put it nicely, but I strongly feel she targeted your son from onset, for whatever reason that is, but I don't think her intentions are pure. And it's a must to be unsettled about it.

However, like everyone else said, keep your son closer now than ever before, let him never doubt your love & support for him and keep your eyes and ears out, get as much details as you can about her. May your son be safe.

No no she's highly immature and controlling. Wrong. Bad. Red flags everywhere.

If this was a 19yo DD not a DS, Mumsnet would be up in arms.
19 is still a teenager. He still needs protecting. He's settling for the first girl to show an interest and moving in after two months is completely ridiculous.

Maintain calm and ask her round for dinner, don't take no for an answer.

I don't want to sidetrack the thread, but female is an adjective and a noun.

Apparently, some find it offensive, when used for a woman. But as you say each to their own, to me it's not offensive at all.