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AIBU?

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Original poster

Son moving in with gf, but I’m not really ok about it 😬

216 replies

Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 18:09

My youngest son is 19, is ND. About 2 months ago he was sent a friend request on FB from a female who recognised him from college. He has been seeing her almost daily from when they first met up.

He has said he is head over heels in love and he is moving in with her. I know he’s 19 and many people leave home much sooner but he’s a very sweet and naive young man and I’m worried he will get hurt and it’s all so soon.

We have never met his gf (same age) as she is also ND and doesn’t ‘feel comfortable’ meeting new people. I am completely torn. I want him to be happy obviously but it’s so soon and we’ve never even met her.

His Dad is not happy at all about it and it’s causing friction in the home. I’m not sure if IABU to feel so uncomfortable and concerned about it all or simply accept that’s he’s an adult so he can therefore make his own choices.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 19:30

5128gap · 23/10/2026 19:28

There's a place between disapproving and 'upbeat and excited' surely? The place where you say "son, I'm happy you're happy. But this is a big change, I'm you're mum, and I'm a bit anxious about it. Can you bear with me a bit and put my mind at rest...?" Then ask your questions about whether he's allowed to live there, if you can visit, any questions you have about her, etc. and offer some guidance if you spot anything he's overlooked or red flags.
You're his mother. Being concerned for him is your job. You don't have to pretend to be thrilled about something that worries you just because he's 19.

I’m upbeat and excited for him at times, like he’ll text me a picture of something they’ve got for the flat. Of course I’ve sat down with him face to face and said the above. Why would you presume I hadn’t?

OP posts:
Heyitsagoodday · 23/10/2026 19:30

I was also going to question how he can move in to her assisted living place. The person I know who grew up in care and then went into assisted living accommodation is not even allowed visitors. Anyone calling has to stand on the doorstep even family. Maybe it is a different kind of set up.

Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 19:31

Ok, that’s good to know. I assume she is aware of this and maybe they’re planning on not telling anyone and hoping to get away with it

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 19:33

Ok thanks that is reassuring. As I previously said I really know nothing about assisted living, it’s good to learn the criteria/ parameters

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 19:35

Well I’ve taken it seriously because I never see him anymore and most of his stuff has gone from his room 😂 I thought if I just smiled and nodded that would make me an irresponsible parent

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 19:39

Ok, thank you. I really had no idea

OP posts:
5128gap · 23/10/2026 19:42

Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 19:30

I’m upbeat and excited for him at times, like he’ll text me a picture of something they’ve got for the flat. Of course I’ve sat down with him face to face and said the above. Why would you presume I hadn’t?

Show quote history

Because you said you're acting upbeat and excited and are asking on here if you're unreasonable to actually feel uncomfortable and concerned. So I assumed, given you're not sure it's reasonable to feel this way, you might have kept all concerns to yourself so far.
No need to be snappy, I wasn't having a go at you.

Goldengirl123 · 23/10/2026 19:49

How will he finance this move?

Whalespotting · 23/10/2026 19:54

Would meeting up for a walk be a possibility? It’s less intense, you could walk and chat without any intense face to face chat. If you can find a form of contact it may be possible to suggest a Christmas walk, going to see Christmas lights switch on etc.

Birdcatdog · 23/10/2026 19:55

OhBotherSaidPoo · 23/10/2026 18:18

'Female'

I thought the same thing! Them op refers to her son as a nice and sweet young man 👀

CleanSkin · 23/10/2026 19:57

YANBU to be concerned, he is a young adult and you’re his Mum.
However as PP say, it’s critical that you support him and be the person to whom he can turn in the event of any problems.

Teado · 23/10/2026 19:58

I actually feel a bit sorry for them having read the updates (not the OP’s updates but the knowledgeable posters who are obviously familiar with social housing). I feel sad that ND young adult couples “aren’t allowed” to cohabit in social accomm if they wish, even when they’re young and the relationship is statistically not going to last.

I’m not having a dig at those posters - they don’t decide the rules. Just saying that I think that ND adults are entitled to cohabit like the rest of us if they want, even if they need more support and the odds of a long partnership are unfavourable. 🤷‍♀️

Bluetreesandbees · 23/10/2026 20:00

I think that most people would be concerned about their child moving in with someone they've only been dating for 2 months, especially if you've never met the person yourself!

How does this parent know for sure the girlfriend is ND and not someone attempting to take advantage of him?

caringcarer · 23/10/2026 20:01

Teado · 23/10/2026 18:24

My son did this at 20. No neurodivergence but the woman had a baby and I thought it was a lot for him at a young age. I played along with it because I wanted to keep him close. I actually ended up becoming very fond of her and the baby, and stopped having to pretend. The relationship didn’t last and in the end he came home, which maybe he wouldn’t have done had we fallen out. Play the long game, OP.

This is good advice. He'll move in with her whether you and his Dad approve or not. Be supportive and if it all goes wrong he'll come home wiser.

Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 20:02

Teado · 23/10/2026 19:58

I actually feel a bit sorry for them having read the updates (not the OP’s updates but the knowledgeable posters who are obviously familiar with social housing). I feel sad that ND young adult couples “aren’t allowed” to cohabit in social accomm if they wish, even when they’re young and the relationship is statistically not going to last.

I’m not having a dig at those posters - they don’t decide the rules. Just saying that I think that ND adults are entitled to cohabit like the rest of us if they want, even if they need more support and the odds of a long partnership are unfavourable. 🤷‍♀️

I feel sorry for them too. Just want them both to be happy and I want to be part of their lives. I’m really supportive by nature both financially and emotionally. I’m hoping she will gradually feel a bit more comfortable if we meet in neutral, relaxed environments as others have suggested.

I understand things take time and completely understand her reluctance. She’s had a real shit start in life and hopefully if she gets to know me she’ll learn I’m genuine, nice and approachable and in time will trust me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 20:03

caringcarer · 23/10/2026 20:01

This is good advice. He'll move in with her whether you and his Dad approve or not. Be supportive and if it all goes wrong he'll come home wiser.

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I agree

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 20:04

Bluetreesandbees · 23/10/2026 20:00

I think that most people would be concerned about their child moving in with someone they've only been dating for 2 months, especially if you've never met the person yourself!

How does this parent know for sure the girlfriend is ND and not someone attempting to take advantage of him?

I do know she is ND from the course she is on in college. I also know my son wouldn’t lie about this

OP posts:
GentlemanJay · 23/10/2026 20:05

I’ve seen this play out while watching from the sidelines. When you have two ND teenagers in the throes of their first love it can be massively intense.

Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 20:06

GentlemanJay · 23/10/2026 20:05

I’ve seen this play out while watching from the sidelines. When you have two ND teenagers in the throes of their first love it can be massively intense.

Ha ha yes you’re absolutely right about it being intense!

OP posts:
TheSquareMile · 23/10/2026 20:07

Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 20:04

I do know she is ND from the course she is on in college. I also know my son wouldn’t lie about this

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In which way is her ND status connected to the college course, OP?

GentlemanJay · 23/10/2026 20:09

Octavia64 · 23/10/2026 18:31

My dc went to uni and both lived with people I hadn’t met in a shared house and then in their third year lived with their boyfriend/girlfriend.

obviously this situation is a bit different but I assured both of mine they would be welcome to live with me at any point, just pick up the phone or turn up.

one said “you live in a muddy field in the middle of nowhere, no thanks” (and has stuck to it but he does live in London) the other is currently back with me temporarily.

Totally different situation.

Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 20:09

TheSquareMile · 23/10/2026 20:07

In which way is her ND status connected to the college course, OP?

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It’s a different part of the college where courses are specifically tailored for students who have learning difficulties , neurodivergence or any other disabilities where learners need more support

OP posts:
Chilly80 · 23/10/2026 20:10

TheSquareMile · 23/10/2026 20:07

In which way is her ND status connected to the college course, OP?

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OP said it was a special college

BruFord · 23/10/2026 20:10

ArtisticSwimmerinLaneOne · 23/10/2026 19:27

Would they both accept your offer of tea and cake in a neutral setting in a nice coffee shop where they live - and your offer to take them to choose and buy a rug / housewarming gift.

@ArtisticSwimmerinLaneOne's suggestion is a good one.

As others have said, they'll get rumbled at some point and he'll have to move out of her accommodation. In the meantime, it's perhaps a good thing that your DS needs lifts to appointments, as he'll need to keep in contact with you - and you can gently chat about how things are going.

I do think that they should look into ironclad contraception though, def. impress upon your son that even one instance of unprotected sex can result in pregnancy.

Maisymouse2 · 23/10/2026 20:11

Whatever opnion or feeling you have. .welcome to life son and we are here if need be.
I would be inclined to have a chat about safe sex if he is to niave.