Son moving in with gf, but I’m not really ok about it 😬

Is she legally allowed to have someone else living there rent free?

Hi op this is really tricky as he is old enough biologically but he doesn’t sound it emotionally. I’m not surprised you have concerns if they weren’t nd you would probably be saying what’s the rush 2 months is nothing in real time I know I would. Op but you seem more bothered about letting him know you are concerned especially not meeting her. Have you thought about saying it’s great you’re really happy but could you give it at least a year before committing to moving in. The girl sounds very vulnerable and she might just be desperate for love and someone caring for her after what she has been through. If her benefits gets affected it will impact his pip as he will be expected to contribute to her living costs. Also do they go out socially or would they just be staying in all the time. It’s a lot going on here. Both of them are vulnerable.

Yeah, I wouldn’t want to meet the kind of person who refers to a young woman as a ‘female’ either.

Stuff you might try:

• Claire's law request (to make sure the girlfriend actually exists and this isn't an attempt to cuckoo your son by drug dealers or something like that)
• Contacting your local sexual health outreach team with the aim of them seeing your son and advising on STI testing and how to navigate condoms if they choose activities where they're needed (also lube and gloves and dental dams and toy safety) - not conversations you'd want to have with your own child but important ones.
• Encouraging him to join the library/ otherwise integrate into the local area so he has more resources/ information than just the girlfriend
• Adult social care - assessment of care needs if your son is that sort of disabled.
• Adult social care - safeguarding issue if you think one or both of them doesn't have capacity to consent to their living arrangements/ relationship.

I would usually be of the view that at 19 someone is an adult and if they want to do this nobody should interfere but this is worrying, especially the girlfriend's unwillingness to meet and her supposed vulnerablility.

If this young woman has an assisted living tenancy, I doubt very much she can just let a friend or partner move in without permission from the providers and management of this accommodation and it may breach her occupancy agreement. It may also affect her benefits.

Also, can he afford to self fund all his living expenses now he is no longer under your roof?

Many people consider it a disrespectful way to refer to a woman.

Never met this person

It could be someone of any gender

He has been seeing her almost daily from when they first met up.

and how long ago was that?

OP he is dependent solely on PiP. Surely you know that this is farcically unreadable?

She is likely to only been out of care system since she was 18. Depending on what type of assisted living facility she is in , she might have a social/ support worker . He needs to tell her that she has to check if he is allowed to move in . And a meeting should be arranged . Maybe start on FB with her too ? Otherwise it will be sad for you to never visit or to help them out with things . It can work out but like every young couple they could do with family support .

She has a flat paid for with assisted living (sorry I don’t know much about assisted living but I think her rent and maybe her bills are paid for).

Well there you go… not a chance he will be permitted to move in!!

@Yoursharp if she doesn’t have parents and is a care leaver, in supported accommodation, has she a social worker or some other adult or agent whose role is supportive? I think I’d start there - or at the college where they met. I’d like to meet someone who knows her, with a care for the welfare of both. I know you’re looking out for your son but she could have met anyone and given she’s already been abused in a relationship, I really hope someone is there keeping an eye on her. And that in turn would mean your son had more safety/security/support in this life step.

He won’t be allowed to. It’s dead in the water

Would you?

How?

Would they both accept your offer of tea and cake in a neutral setting in a nice coffee shop where they live - and your offer to take them to choose and buy a rug / housewarming gift.

Contact the same safeguarding team about your son. You said they’re both at the same college? The DSL will be able to advise you if not help, without breaching privacy.

There's a place between disapproving and 'upbeat and excited' surely? The place where you say "son, I'm happy you're happy. But this is a big change, I'm you're mum, and I'm a bit anxious about it. Can you bear with me a bit and put my mind at rest...?" Then ask your questions about whether he's allowed to live there, if you can visit, any questions you have about her, etc. and offer some guidance if you spot anything he's overlooked or red flags.
You're his mother. Being concerned for him is your job. You don't have to pretend to be thrilled about something that worries you just because he's 19.

So would I.