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AIBU?

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Original poster

Son moving in with gf, but I’m not really ok about it 😬

216 replies

Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 18:09

My youngest son is 19, is ND. About 2 months ago he was sent a friend request on FB from a female who recognised him from college. He has been seeing her almost daily from when they first met up.

He has said he is head over heels in love and he is moving in with her. I know he’s 19 and many people leave home much sooner but he’s a very sweet and naive young man and I’m worried he will get hurt and it’s all so soon.

We have never met his gf (same age) as she is also ND and doesn’t ‘feel comfortable’ meeting new people. I am completely torn. I want him to be happy obviously but it’s so soon and we’ve never even met her.

His Dad is not happy at all about it and it’s causing friction in the home. I’m not sure if IABU to feel so uncomfortable and concerned about it all or simply accept that’s he’s an adult so he can therefore make his own choices.

OP posts:
TheSquareMile · 23/10/2026 20:13

@Yoursharp

Something which needs to be considered is how the two of them living together will potentially be a breach of her tenancy and also have an effect on any benefits they are each in receipt of, especially her Housing Benefit, OP.

Not declaring this will open the door to all kinds of trouble.

Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 20:14

BruFord · 23/10/2026 20:10

@ArtisticSwimmerinLaneOne's suggestion is a good one.

As others have said, they'll get rumbled at some point and he'll have to move out of her accommodation. In the meantime, it's perhaps a good thing that your DS needs lifts to appointments, as he'll need to keep in contact with you - and you can gently chat about how things are going.

I do think that they should look into ironclad contraception though, def. impress upon your son that even one instance of unprotected sex can result in pregnancy.

Show quote history

I agree. To be fair he is really good at communicating. We exchange texts regularly and yes we will drive him to his medical appointments so will see him quite regularly.

I am frequently mentioning contraception and have offered to buy him condoms but he insists they are not having sex (I mentioned reasons in a previous post) and I can tell he is uncomfortable/ embarrassed about me talking about it.

OP posts:
Rossforthewin · 23/10/2026 20:15

I wonder if it’s not assisted living, but actually council accommodation that has been provided for a care leaver and that she has a social worker oversee her?

Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 20:15

TheSquareMile · 23/10/2026 20:13

@Yoursharp

Something which needs to be considered is how the two of them living together will potentially be a breach of her tenancy and also have an effect on any benefits they are each in receipt of, especially her Housing Benefit, OP.

Not declaring this will open the door to all kinds of trouble.

I’ve also told him this. Not sure what he’s done with this information though. I don’t know if he’s relayed this to his gf

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 20:18

Rossforthewin · 23/10/2026 20:15

I wonder if it’s not assisted living, but actually council accommodation that has been provided for a care leaver and that she has a social worker oversee her?

Quite possibly. I’m not sure if there are different types of assisted living? All I know is that she has been moved around a few times since becoming an adult through ‘assisted living’ arrangements and currently lives in a flat which is paid for. Maybe by UC?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 20:21

He left the college as it was too overwhelming for him. He had a part time job but has stopped doing it - unsure of his reasons despite asking. He is looking for a job close to the flat as he doesn’t drive

He spends his days making everything look nice in the flat and planning meals. Not sure what else he does. Probably chatting to friends.

OP posts:
Bigfattwatt · 23/10/2026 20:22

Just smile and wish him well.

They are 19, it probably won’t last anyway. Just make sure he knows he can always come home if he needs to (I did the same at 19, it lasted about 10 months!)

Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 20:24

Bigfattwatt · 23/10/2026 20:22

Just smile and wish him well.

They are 19, it probably won’t last anyway. Just make sure he knows he can always come home if he needs to (I did the same at 19, it lasted about 10 months!)

You’re probably right. He knows he can always come home. It’s just so intense 😳

OP posts:
TheSquareMile · 23/10/2026 20:24

OP, does your son have an allocated Social Worker?

I see that you mentioned that he gets Higher Rate Care and Higher Rate Mobility, so there may be a Social Worker in the equation.

Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 20:26

TheSquareMile · 23/10/2026 20:24

OP, does your son have an allocated Social Worker?

I see that you mentioned that he gets Higher Rate Care and Higher Rate Mobility, so there may be a Social Worker in the equation.

Not currently. He had access to a lot of support when he was at college but he left. His Dad and I are his support structure currently

OP posts:
Arran2024 · 23/10/2026 20:27

Hi. I have an adult daughter who gets PIP but lives at home.

Everyone she knows is in the additional needs world. Many of them are in supported living.

My understanding is that if a couple want to live together, that would mean a reassessment of need and ultimately a different living arrangement. But this would be a long way off.

They would have to prove a stable relationship and the new provision would have to suit both of them.

It's not likely to be granted after 2 months.

Pollypocket9876 · 23/10/2026 20:31

Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 18:33

I don’t know the details of finances, I know she is in ‘assisted living’ has UC and various other benefits she is entitled to (don’t know which ones). She is at a specialist college for young people who face difficulties (such as mental health concerns/ neuro divergence)

my son has maximum PIP and is looking for a part time job, (he couldn’t cope with full time)

Do you know the address of where she lives? Is it supported living? Does she have carers?
if your son was to move in with her she would need to notify UC as it may change her claim.
could you contact the college, and express your concerns?
I don’t want to speak out of term but have you ever had a conversation with your son about what his thoughts are on the future, would he be interested in living independently? It maybe worth exploring the options your local adult social care team would be able to help.

Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 20:34

Arran2024 · 23/10/2026 20:27

Hi. I have an adult daughter who gets PIP but lives at home.

Everyone she knows is in the additional needs world. Many of them are in supported living.

My understanding is that if a couple want to live together, that would mean a reassessment of need and ultimately a different living arrangement. But this would be a long way off.

They would have to prove a stable relationship and the new provision would have to suit both of them.

It's not likely to be granted after 2 months.

Thank you this is very helpful. Everyone my son knows is also in the additional needs world.

It’s possible his gf is in ‘supported living’ I’m not sure if this is different to ‘assisted living’. I’m not clued up on this at all as all his other friends live at home with their parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 20:45

Pollypocket9876 · 23/10/2026 20:31

Do you know the address of where she lives? Is it supported living? Does she have carers?
if your son was to move in with her she would need to notify UC as it may change her claim.
could you contact the college, and express your concerns?
I don’t want to speak out of term but have you ever had a conversation with your son about what his thoughts are on the future, would he be interested in living independently? It maybe worth exploring the options your local adult social care team would be able to help.

Show quote history

I don’t know the address, only the town which is about 10 miles away. I’ve told my son that living together will effect their benefits.

I’m reluctant to contact the college as although it’s a valid point I think this would cause a big problem for them as they would both see it as me interfering / meddling and I really don’t want that considering I would like to meet her and hopefully form some kind of positive relationship with her.

We have talked about the future and were considering converting part of the house (an existing extension) into a type of living environment where he could have his own little kitchen and shower to encourage independent living. He has always seemed happy just plodding along and never had any thoughts about the future in terms of employment etc.

Then since he met gf he is adamant he wants to spend his time with her and she is his future. He has said he now understands what real happiness is and whatever he does will include her. He says she feels the same.

It’s full on intense and to me sounds like they are both completely besotted and head over heels.

OP posts:
TheSquareMile · 23/10/2026 20:45

Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 20:26

Not currently. He had access to a lot of support when he was at college but he left. His Dad and I are his support structure currently

Show quote history

@Yoursharp

OP, in the circumstances, might it be advisable to speak to Adult Social Care on Monday to seek their advice?

One concern would be that he may have moved into somewhere not suitable for him at all.

It would be awful if he were being taken advantage of in some way.

Maomee · 23/10/2026 20:46

While you can't stop him and it's normal to have concerns I think my biggest concern would be never having met this person. It's not much to ask that you meet her before they move in together, I mean you can't stop him but iI would express how surprised you are at never having met this woman.

Regarding getting his heart broken, that's what we all do around that age. It's better to do daft things in life than nothing at all.

Treehorns · 23/10/2026 20:47

This reply has been withdrawn

Post withdrawn at author's request

Millytante · 23/10/2026 20:49

OhBotherSaidPoo · 23/10/2026 18:18

'Female'

Yes, that gave me pause 🙀

likelysuspect · 23/10/2026 20:50

There are many types of supported or assisted living and her package will depend on many factors

If she has her own independent tenancy which would allow for her to have a boyfriend/partner then she can move someone in, except that she'll have to declare it to DWP for UC and housing benefit purposes. She may have a package of care that is separate to the accommodation and the support may be people who visit now and then.

If she is in a traditional supported living/assisted living with support workers then she will not be able to have someone move in as her tenancy would be connected to local authority payments because it will be a package of care connected to the accommodation.

likelysuspect · 23/10/2026 20:51

And FFS stop with the nonsense about female. WTF

koffielepeltje · 23/10/2026 20:51

ArtisticSwimmerinLaneOne · 23/10/2026 19:27

Would they both accept your offer of tea and cake in a neutral setting in a nice coffee shop where they live - and your offer to take them to choose and buy a rug / housewarming gift.

I don't think OP should be encouraging this couple with "housewarming" gifts when it has yet to be established whether the young woman is permitted to have other people moving themselves and their stuff into her accommodation.

I suspect it will end in tears.

BruFord · 23/10/2026 20:53

It’s full on intense and to me sounds like they are both completely besotted and head over heels.

@Yoursharp Being in love is wonderful and it's great that he's experiencing it. 😍

But there's that old saying that when the wolf comes in at the door, loves flies out of the window (or something along those lines). The realities of independent living, paying their bills, etc. will test their relationship and they'll find out whether it's really going to work. Of course you want to protect him, but you'll be there for him if needs you. He's taking on some adult responsibilities and ultimately, that's a good thing.

Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 20:55

likelysuspect · 23/10/2026 20:51

And FFS stop with the nonsense about female. WTF

Yeah I didn’t get that either. The only reason I used the word female is to determine a heterosexual relationship. I thought it was more appropriate than ‘girl’ or ‘young lady’

It’s like some people just want to be offended 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoursharp · 23/10/2026 20:56

likelysuspect · 23/10/2026 20:50

There are many types of supported or assisted living and her package will depend on many factors

If she has her own independent tenancy which would allow for her to have a boyfriend/partner then she can move someone in, except that she'll have to declare it to DWP for UC and housing benefit purposes. She may have a package of care that is separate to the accommodation and the support may be people who visit now and then.

If she is in a traditional supported living/assisted living with support workers then she will not be able to have someone move in as her tenancy would be connected to local authority payments because it will be a package of care connected to the accommodation.

Thank you this is really helpful. I am completely out of my depth with this kind of thing

OP posts:
MrMucker · 23/10/2026 20:57

I'm cynical.
If she is liaising with safeguarding team at college and is seen as vulnerable, and you say her ex boyfriend was a nasty piece of work, how do you know he's not bothering her and she's drafting in your son as a form of protection?

I know, this is forming conclusions and assumptions. But she doesn't leave you must choice, does she?
It's just, there's all kinds of scope for her using him for one reason and another, well intended or otherwise.

Definitely a good idea to raise a safeguarding concern with the college, in fact it would be remiss of you not to. Let them look into it and - hopefully - establish everything is OK.