Son moving in with gf, but I’m not really ok about it 😬

There is another thread where a poster has been asked to take in her ND son, his ND girlfriend and their as yet unborn baby.

You can't stop him but make it clear that you won't be accommodating them if they bring a baby into the mix, unless of course you would be fine with that

I'm not telling you where I live but it is a tiny LA and generally younger vulnerable under 25s are highly supported - it changes once over 25 and children's services are not involved. I have been told that they are unusually hot on this sort of thing and that some other areas will grant more leeway.

I have said before that I believe that yp with additional needs can live together but would need a reassessment of her needs and possibly of his.

What wouldnt be allowed? For her to live with a boyfriend? You have no idea of her needs or the rules of her tenancy.

At her age? And where is 'round here'?

So you mean they both have learning disabilities, OP? Most supported learning separate parts of a college are for students with learning disabilities who have many needs and can’t live independently, rather than being ‘just’ neurodiverse. I would be worried that they both could be being exploited, especially in light of her having no parents, an abusive ex, and your son no longer working or going to college. Asking to meet them elsewhere is a good idea and it might be worth contacting the college if she is still attending

See, this fascinates me, because my experience of MN has been the exact opposite. In my experience, a significant number of posters will bend themselves into pretzels to excuse bad male behaviour with a neurodiversity they don’t even know he has, let alone the excuses they’ll make for a man who’s diagnosed. The behavioural and judgement standard expected of neurodiverse women is also consistently higher than that expected of their male counterparts. (This is a phenomenon that’s emerged in research, too: e.g. the ‘misunderstood genius’/‘difficult woman’ dichotomy.)

I’m ready to believe OP when she says that her son is good, kind, and gentle, and would never take advantage of anyone. At the end of the day I’ve not got much else to go on. But, entirely objectively, it could also be possible that he is taking advantage of a vulnerable woman to secure accommodation and independence from his parents. He wouldn’t be the first. Presumably if the woman in this case had anyone fighting her corner they would be pointing this out to her. After all, she only knows OP’s son as well as he knows her. It also looks like OP only has her son’s word for it that she doesn’t want to meet his parents. I’ve known, and known of, many a boy/man who trots that out to avoid a meeting he himself doesn’t want while also shifting blame for the lack of one onto the new partner at the same time.

Taking everything at face value, though, if this woman is reluctant to meet his parents then doorstep ambushes and ‘I’m not taking no for an answer’ might be tempting, but they’re more likely to alienate her son than ensure his safety. That’s not naïveté. It’s just calling out bad advice.

OP, like I said before, I think neutral ground, with your son but without your husband for now, would be the way to go. It sounds like she’s entirely unused to family dynamics, if she’s ever experienced them at all. I wouldn’t assume malice just yet.

Different areas will have different thresholds for intervention, and it depends on her plan. Round here it wouldn't be allowed at her age- older people get more leeway.

Exactly, Im afraid there is quite a lot of naivety here about what services will or or wont do, unless both are deemed as lacking in capacity, there wont be anything 'done' as such unless she is in breach of her accommodation rules/tenancy in which case the tenancy would be withdrawn or he'll be asked to leave

The idea this is a sort of 'safeguarding' issue with multi agencies looking in/looking at/taking action is just not going to happen at all.

Services absolutely will listen to what a 19 year old wants, regardless of their additional needs. Rosa Monkton, who has an adult daughter with Downs Syndrome, often writes about her fury with the system for allowing this.

There is actually more chance of a 19 year old with additional needs getting what he wants in terms of moving out than the average 19 year old would, because of the funding set up and the availability of services to make it happen.

If a yp qualifies for adult social care, for example, they will be financially assessed and will have to make a contribution from their benefits (probably UC and PIP) but the assessment will detail their needs and pull together a load of funded services.

If the yp has an ehc plan, they can make their wishes known that way and youth workers will get involved even if there is no access to adult social care - this happened to a friend's son, who simply didn't get on with his sister and decided he would move out at 18 and the LA organised it for him.

Parents of sen kids are in a very tricky situation if their child is sussed enough to know what might be possible.

Exactly! The hyp*cr"sy here is alarming. He still needs guidance ND or not, you cannot let him just move in with someone you know nothing about. Someone he himself barely knows!
How are you certain she's ND as well? Just because she told him so? Manipulative people will fake tens of things for as long as possible, if it will get them what they want.
To me, this whole arrangement is screaming lots of red flags. She targeted the young lad for sure and love bombed him, we all know this don't we?

These and many more are things we will highlight if the 19 years old is a female and things have progressed this fast just within 2 months. Why are the mumsnet army not doing the same for the young man? Because he's a man?
We will let him walk into fire in the name of "they need to make mistakes and learn", like we are forgetting some mistakes are better not made at all, not all mistakes are redeemable even with time. If he goes ahead and gets burned, and he knows you were in the position to help him see things differently but you didn't, he might resent you for it. You're his mum, not his vending machine for happy pills, your counsel will not always be what he wants, just do it anyways with as much love as possible, but do it.

Surely, let him be assured of your love and support, but don't just let him go without offering him sound, balanced counsel first.

Supported living is for the gf not as a couple.
Im sure he’s not supposed to be there.?

I personally would be finding out the rules at the supported living at these flats . She may have told them he stays over xx number if nights and gets round it that way.

If he wants to stay, there’s nothing you can really do about it but to support him and like you say be there to pick up the pieces. It’s a learning curb for him wether he can ir can’t live elsewhere
But don’t fall out with him or gf as he needs all the help he can.
Gf not being able to meet you at the moment wouldn’t bother me so much at the moment
could you perhaps in a few weeks pop by unannounced with an excuse lije just be shopping and thought I’d get you a couple of bits
sweets,chocs ?

Agree

Which would all be true in that circumstance

Also if he has siblings (you said he’s your youngest) can they up the contact and try to meet her/get to know her. Maybe she’d feel more comfortable with his siblings than you.

Great post. The amount of people declaring with authority that he won't be allowed to move in is a worrying indicator of how people on here talk with unearned certainty. It may absolutely be against rules but posters shouldn't say "100% they won't be allowed."

I can totally see why you’d be worried. Just do all you can to keep lines of communication open and make sure he knows about contraception. If she has an organisation and/or support workers/parents involved in her accommodation make sure they’ve got your contact details. Try and drop in? Try and get to know her, hopefully in time she’ll feel comfortable with you.

This is difficult. Of course we all want our children to be independent and move on and have their own lives. But moving in together after 2 months when neuro diverse is worrying. I don't have any advice I'm afraid, just wanted to empathise. Maybe you just have to let him at it and be ready to pick up the pieces?

He could get assessed for supported living too. They could live together and have someone support them. Not saying it's a great idea but the fact he gets PIP doesn't mean he can never have a live in relationship.

How?

Many of us remember the very sad situation by PurpleLampShade and her son. Granted he was under 18 but still vulnerable. This situation could escalate if not handled correctly but firmly.

If he’s on maximum PIP then either he can’t walk more than 20 metres, can’t go out unsupervised and/or needs help with toileting & washing. If any of the above apply to him then yes, he’s extremely vulnerable and I too, would be extremely concerned. In particular, I’d be worried that she’s coercing or controlling him, especially with her refusing to meet you.
One other thing, my adult nephew lives in assisted living and they’re very clear about him not being permitted to have anyone come and live with him.

In any case, I’d be speaking to adult social services and see if they can check in on him. It might put your mind at rest?

Yes agree with this. It’s a grin and bear it situation. At least he’s young so if it goes pear shaped he can move home again. How does he feel about having children? If he doesn’t think he’s ready then he needs to use condoms. If you are signalling ‘supportive’ he is far more likely to engage with you at this stage and later on.
I get your frustration. We have similar situation with ND although older adult child and our biggest fear is pregnancy because he’s tied forever then. We have always signalled supportive and now they are going through difficulties he talks to us about it.

He knows we’re here to catch him.

It’s bloody hard. As you say, there is an extra layer of naivety that’s quite scary.

just be there for him and keep your judgements between the two of you.
good luck !

I don't want to sidetrack the thread, but female is an adjective and a noun.

Apparently, some find it offensive, when used for a woman. But as you say each to their own, to me it's not offensive at all.

No no she's highly immature and controlling. Wrong. Bad. Red flags everywhere.

If this was a 19yo DD not a DS, Mumsnet would be up in arms.
19 is still a teenager. He still needs protecting. He's settling for the first girl to show an interest and moving in after two months is completely ridiculous.

Maintain calm and ask her round for dinner, don't take no for an answer.

A couple of red flags here:

1. Sent a fb friend request just 2 months ago, not saying anything is wrong with a woman reaching out first. But she reached out just 2 months ago and everything moved so fast that they want to move in together now, it seems off.
2. She doesn't want to meet you guys, that's not safe. The least she can do is to have a chat with you guys or even a video call.

I don't know how to put it nicely, but I strongly feel she targeted your son from onset, for whatever reason that is, but I don't think her intentions are pure. And it's a must to be unsettled about it.

However, like everyone else said, keep your son closer now than ever before, let him never doubt your love & support for him and keep your eyes and ears out, get as much details as you can about her. May your son be safe.

I have a ND son who sounds very similar. He’s younger but I can absolutely imagine something like this in his future. It must be very worrying and I totally understand all the concerns. Just a few points in case they help at all:

1. if it was me, I would be a little reassured by his GF being ND. I would be freaking out more if he was with someone more sophisticated than him because he would be very easy to take advantage of.
2. Buy the condoms. And get him to practice the whole sex ed thing with putting one on a banana, or ask your DH to. He may not understand that although they don’t feel ready, that can change v fast the heat of the moment. ND kids tend to have even less impulse control than NT teenagers.
3. Not to be harsh because I’m sure their feelings are real, but try to think of this as a “special interest” phase. If he’s anything like my son, he’s been through many stages of intense obsession over the years but 9/10 times he eventually moves onto something else. And if it is a stable relationship that does last long term, isn’t that what you would want for him?