Son moving in with gf, but I’m not really ok about it 😬

So PIP isn’t means tested so that will be fine but UC is, and if they were to live together they would have to make a joint claim.

I totally understand your concerns about contacting the college and them feeling like you are interfering, but you obviously know very little about this young lady and her living arrangements.
I think you definitely need to find out some more information, it does sound like your son could become very isolated.
Your main concern is to safeguard your son and ensure he needs are met.

You need to force a meet with her, honestly you could be the best thing that happens in this situation, you can guide and help whilst letting them live their dream for now - if she remains a secret then you will be punishing yourself, and clearly if shes been in care and had not much support then she won't really understand the emotional care you can provide for her also, both of them.

Force it. I like the previous idea of meet for coffee but I think she will be much more acceptable if you showed up with a gift, lunch, and something nice - No one else, just you.

Sorry if you have already addressed it - but where are her parents in all this? Have you asked ds?

Would they be happy about her moving a man in that she’s only known for a short time?

ETA - sorry scrap that. I’ve just read what you said about her family. Poor kid.

For your sons new girlfriend it is a change of circumstances and she does need to make UC aware immodestly that she has someone living with her. Effectively they would need to make a joint claim - that is if he is allowed to actually live with her and in the assisted living.

Whilst he isn't doing anything wrong this could well backfire on the girlfriend and it would be sensible for her to gain support from those supporting her in the assisted living or her social worker

Yikes. What are his circs right now…is he a student still? If the GF balks at meeting others, I wonder how extensive are her limitations in general if she has qualified for this flat at 19?
(Edit: oops, started reading the thread in the wrong place)

Is it at all likely that DS will serve, in effect, as her carer/ factotum?
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, except in a case where the young people barely know each other.

It must be obvious that I speak as a person with zero relevant experience here, but I’d keep an eye on things to ensure DS isn’t becoming closed off to others, family included, since this scene reminds me strongly of a couple of previous MN threads where a young ND adult became utterly subsumed into the love object’s sealed world, and it took superhuman efforts to let daylight in for them.

But when it goes wrong, that species of heartbreak is like the Universe has suddenly disappeared for the person, and the damage is severe, even dangerous.

But if he is visibly thriving, maintaining an interest beyond those bounds, then you’re on safer ground.
It must be so hard for you to watch this as his mum, half thinking it’s wonderful for him, and half terrified about what he is doing.
I hope he has found a good friend, above all. Romance is all very well, but other fundamentals are what do the trick.
(Exciting though, at 19! Good luck, ‘DS’. Be happy)

If they go out she should be ok to meet up on neutral grounds then. Maybe suggest a walk out with them. Explain most parents meet up with their dc partners and it’s hard for you as parents can’t have this opportunity.

It just carries with it a pretty heavy load of disdain as a rule (or worse, when a certain type of man uses it).
Rather a dehumanising term as a rule, but as you are demonstrating, these explanation are not universally recognised, and the term is employed with no ‘side’ to it, at times!
(I could well imagine my late mother using it to refer some anonymous barmaid or ‘painted lady’, had my father been the womanising sort!)

I guess others assumed, as I did on first reading it, that you were intentionally signalling your disapproval of the GF, at the very least. Apologies.

I must say, I’d want to insist on having his address, I think.
Maybe it’s just not actually come up in casual conversation between you yet, beyond ‘her flat is in Deddington’’, but I think a bit of prodding is justified on this point.
Not only for the usual family reasons but to ascertain that this isn't the start of a (not uncommon) slide into their being intentionally cut off from you, and others.

You mentioned that your son worked but stopped. Does that in any way correlate with the relationship starting?

There are a lot of financial issues relating to moving in. UC changes, council tax changes etc. Could one way forwars be supporting him to work out a budget? Perhaps a list of questions to consider or a list of organisations that will need notified about his address change. Telling the collage he has moved out could be a subtle way of notifying them.

I would consider asking the disability social work team for some support. They often have family support workers that can help support these sorts of situations.

council tax

this will depend on whether SMI is awarded for the girlfriends council tax and if the ops son is SMI which I doubt he is due to having previously worked - which would mean that he is then possibly liable for either 50% of he council tax or 75% if the girlfriend is SMI

this really does need the girl friends support workers to be looking at this and assisting

Can you try and get to know her parents? Get their numbers so you can WhatsApp each other? I agree you can’t stop them but you can stay involved and supportive.

the girl friends mother has died and she doesn't know her own father - the op did mention this in a previous post

His moving in won’t affect her benefits if he isn’t working. He will also be eligible to claim UC in his own right, with a disability element. He probably can do this anyway, just won’t be eligible for the housing element if living at home. He could potentially be in the LCWRA category and get that supplement too .A part time job at minimum wage won’t affect much either.

Whether he can be added to her tenancy will depend on exactly where she’s living and under what circumstances. People are stating with authority that it won’t be allowed, but we don’t know.

Otherwise, OP, YANBU to have concerns. But you are exactly right not to be negative or alienate him. Keep the relationship with him so that he feels he can tell you without losing face if he is struggling. And so that he comes home again afterwards / looks to you for support. It’s likely to be short lived, and if he thinks you’ll be thinking ‘told you so’, he won’t want to admit defeat.

as neither are working, they will be eligible for council tax assistance. if she is in full time education she will be exempt.

In terms of contraception. I think I would buy a few packs of condoms and tip them into a little neutral black/navy pouch or similar and tell him to just take them to the flat just in case, for the future. And tell him you can buy them on Amazon if he doesn't want to go to a shop.

You can't stop him but I understand your concerns. The best thing you can do is make sure his room stays free for a while until you know he is settled and make sure he always knows he has a place at home and someone to talk to who won't judge or say I told you so.

OP.
Id be very worried about the living situation. I know a young person in Foyer accommodation who can have a visitor a certain number of nights.
My worry is if she breaks tenancy rules she could be evicted.
Id think about contacting the college ask them not to tell her but explain the situation to them.
Will your son tell you the address?
They will need to make a joint claim. He may be able to claim ESA. DH claims ESA and higher rather care and mobility on PIP. ESA affects UC but not PIP.
They may not have the capacity to understand the situation.
Most care leavers dont get much help but with additional needs i would expect her to have some form off support. Im sorry if you have said but how old is she?

I wouldn’t be too hard on OP.
Maybe if her son’s GF would actually consent to meet her she’d be able to say she was a nice and sweet young woman. Until then, female is okay imho.

Best to support him as best you can, make hone peaceful and a safety net as it should be, so he knows he can come back and be happy at home and not face a told you so situation which might give him pause.

If she is a care leaver she could be receiving support from the leaving care team - the autism could be irrelevant. Equally as she has autism she might be supported by adult social care.

Has your son been assessed by adult social care?

It would be easiest for both to move in together if they are both under adult social care.

Yes, but look at the number of leeches out there who would be absolutely prepared to take advantage of the vulnerable person in that supported accommodation. They’d be massively at risk.

If they meet someone I suppose the relationship should develop outside of living together until the couple are at a point where living together is appropriate and neither one is at risk of an imbalanced power dynamic within the relationship, of being taken advantage of, or abused. Vulnerable adults are vulnerable because they don’t have the skills or sometimes the ability or capacity to know their own rights. Despicable people would and do prey on that to use them for their money and other assets.

I was 19 when I moved out. Also autistic.
I thrived. So please don't worry but she should meet you.

Is female suddenly an offensive term?

How would you do it?

Yes he is adult and cab do what he wants but as more than likely when it all goes wrong who has ro end up fixing it all? Especially if children end up coming from it

So easy to for others to say he can do what he wants but will his decisions effect others down the line?