To tell my mum I’m not taking her on holiday again?

She’s lonely, she’s using mobility as a cover for her loneliness, she misses having people around and probably is wanting you to be her companion on the holiday and subconsciously is making things difficult and over thinking and making her insecurities your fault.
it’s quite sad really, if you do go on holiday again then you will have to choose the hotel and accommodation really carefully, ie limited stairs or hilly terrain around the hotel, some sort of arts or interest activities she can join and agree she will do those while you do other things, some sort of plans for the evenings.
it sounds like she’s lashing out at you and it’s not fair. But some sort of discussion before she went ahead and booked like, we will be going out on evening excursions and they may not be suitable for your mobility, are you happy relaxing in the hotel in your own of an evening, and saying that you will be spending time on the beach which she won’t be able to access, maybe she would have chosen herself not to come.
its mismatched expectations but it sounds like it’s going to be the last holiday with mum so try and enjoy your last day with her. Maybe have a chat about the fact both of you haven’t had the holiday you expected and talk about how you could make it work if you went away again, or maybe you both agree it’s not a good idea.

"maybe if we had talked properly beforehand about what everyone expected it might have gone differently."

I think you've answered your own question.

I'm also a bit taken aback and feel sad for your mum that she is only 63 and already needing so much help (I'm only a year or so younger!)

Are her mobility issues likely to improve or get worse?

It does sound like you both had different ideas about how you thought the holiday would be. It doesn't seem like a multi generational holiday works for your family. So I would gently suggest she plans to go with friends in future or just a few days with you, or just days out if she doesn't really enjoy/cope with travelling abroad. There are also lots of companies that cater for single travellers.

Wtf has that got to do with anything? Your comment is silly!

They have 3 children, 18yr, a middle, and 6 yr old.

What of families that have 3-6 yr gaps between children, there will be a big gap between oldest- youngest if they have more than 2.

What if there had been a child death for a middle child, or had trouble conceiving? And you just pipe up saying that an age gap is silly?!

I'm 65 with some mobility problems - no walker or stick but I can only walk short distances without having to rest or sit, stairs are a bit of a problem, takes me a long time to do things like dress, can't carry heavy things. But I still work in the office every day, and live on my own and look after my 2 cats. My DSis (who is 2 years older than me but more mobile) comes to help with a few bits I can't do by myself like carry the cats on their vet visits or help turn my very heavy mattress.

But I know my limitations, so I would never ask to go with them on a day out as I know I would spoil the day out badly enough when it's just her & the youngest (adult) nephew who lives with her, let alone expect to go on outings with her eldest and his children. Until my disabilities got this bad, I would holiday on my own and if there wasn't an outing I felt I could cope with or one I would enjoy, I was quite happy to spend the day by the pool reading my Kindle. I don't go away at all now because a) the journey itself would be too painful and b) I don't see the point in going away just to sit by the pool reading all day.

OP's DM sounds very selfish to me. Maybe she thought that a family holiday would consist of her and OP sitting together by the pool together watching little kids playing all day every day, but even if the children were younger than that they could still end up being bored if there was nothing else to do.

Clarification of expectations in advance would’ve helped.

I think it sounds like your mum is being selfish - of course you want to spend time on the beach with your little ones, and it’s odd that she’s acting more helpless that she is when you’re there.

id just chalk it up to experience and not repeat the experience, no pint blowing the benefit of the effort you’ve put in by rowing at the end of the holiday

How does she manage day to day at home?

My MIL was like this. We were all made to go on a weekend away and whilst everyone was out doing things and coming and going, she was sat in
a fury as she thought everyone should just sit inside with her.

You don’t need to tell her, just don’t do it again.

YANBU but I wouldn’t say it. I just wouldn’t book another with her and if she asks just when you’re booking again I would say you’re just going with the kids this year.

Op, I suspect a certain amount of manipulation from your Mum here.
I'm 67, and can't imagine asking my DC to deal with my medication or menu. You've said that she has limited mobility, but then said that the reason she doesn't want to go to the beach is that she doesn't like sand.
Maybe if you go away with her again you could make sure that it is somewhere accessible for her mobility issues ( or she could be arranging that). Presumably she had input into the holiday arrangements ( I am assuming that she wasn't an afterthought, as you booked somewhere with the family room arranged so that she had some privacy, and there were enough bed) and was able to specify what she needed. I'm wondering why she is expecting you to be responsible for everything. Does she have an illness that affects her mental capacity
My Mum is decades older than yours, and in a wheelchair for outings. DH pointed out how she is expecting to me do everything for her..along the lines of how she says she's not feeling comfortable, I ask does she want a cushion, she replies that she doesn't know, expecting me to be able judge whether she does in fact need a cushion and how many cushions of what particular size and shape. Or she'll want a drink but not ask and then complain that I haven't sorted it. It's really annoying but she is almost 90. Your mother is behaving like that.
What is restricting her mobility and independence?

Anyway, OPs mum said she wanted to see her GC enjoy a proper holiday. Not that she wanted to be taken on holiday to be cared for.

With her health/mobility issues, I'm surprised that she expected them to be with her 24/7. There will be activities that she is unable to join in with, but that also shouldnt come at the expense of OP missing out on quality time with her own DC for the whole time.

From experience, This was my thought, too.

Goodness me she's only 63 !..Same age as me ..! I'm also a widow .Why us she expecting to be treated like an old woman and why are you going along with it ?

63 isn't usually old enough that you'd need someone doing everything for you. Did your dad do everything for her? My mum demanded my dad did everything for her and escorted her everywhere for decades. Now he's in hospital she's looking for replacements to give her the full princess treatment. It's hard and I wish my dad had stood up to her a bit.

I'd hate to be in your mom's shoes. If i holiday with my parents then the assumption is we do as much things as possible together as that is the intent of " joint holidays". And that's precisely why i am very selective of where we could holiday together.

63 or 83 is that a typo ? Could she not have brought one of her home carers with her ( or a companion )so you could all have a proper break without struggling to please everyone

Ha ha I had two like that late DM and late DFIL. I loved them dearly but I swear as soon as they saw my bottom heading for a seat they suddenly needed something. They were never happy unless I was up and down like a yo-yo 😂 I still miss the old buggers though!
So anyway @MaxLaRush least said soonest mended. No more holidays with her but no big discussions about it.
This will only get worse as your DM gets older. Save your strength and sanity for when you are invariably called on to wait on her at home (not that you are obliged to do that at all).
Have as many family holidays as you can while your DM is still living independently. DH and I ended up cancelling trips due to the increasing care needs of elderly relatives.That was our choice obviously but I wish we had done more when the aged parents were less needy.

Do also keep in mind that there will naturally be an element of running about when on holiday with someone with mobility issues. Speaking from experience.

My mum copes at home. She can painfully hobble to get a drink, crawl to the kitchen to make some lunch, hobble and wince to get her glasses from the side etc...

...but one is hardly going to sit on the sofa just watching her painfully crawl and hobble to get what she needs all day.

Grabbing and doing bits when you are there visiting is one thing, but when it is constant because you are living together for a week is an entirely different ball game. And all of a sudden it is much less of a holiday for you. I had to learn this the tricky way and now I have adjusted more realistic expectations of the "holiday"

It's just been a difference in expectations. Nobody being deliberately difficult probably but your mum feeling more vulnerable, in a strange place. I don't think you need to make a big announcement. If she suggests coming on holiday with you again remind her what kind of holiday suits your family. It would be easier if she had company other than you, or was more independent.

Being included in their plan is a privilege?!

She's paid for her holiday, she doesn't behave to earn the right to be included. It's honestly very sad you think of your family that way, you're not the help.

Both OP and her mum are responsible for the situation, it was the wrong holiday location for her mum, maybe too long, or not the right time. Rather than saying "never again" they should find a better way to spend family time together that works for everyone.

I wouldn't let her know now she won't be coming on any more holidays, but tell her in the future you've booked whatever for your family and go. Even if you're with others, part of being on holiday is having a bit of 'me time' personally, even if it's just having a coffee while others in group are doing an acitivity. I'm not far off your mother's age and luckily physically fit, but if I'd gone away with my own DD in the circumstances, I'd have readily chosen to take books to read, maybe a puzzle book or get a newspaper, either in a cafe or bar - knowing that sometimes we'd all want to do different things, need a bit of space.

Your mum sounds much older than 63. I work with a few women in their 60s and they are away on holidays all the time, walking their dogs living life. How bad is her mobility and expecting you to help her with her bathing suit and meds. I would put her late 80s the way your explaining. I wouldnt bring her on holiday again you havnt had a break at all.

There’s no need to say anything to her now about future trips. Just avoid getting tied into future holiday plans. If she persists, say “It doesn’t work so well now the kids are getting older. They need me to be around and I want to spend the whole time with them.”

Money and time with your kids are so precious!!

My MIL is very particular about where she sleeps, what and when she eats etc. She’s judgy too. She’s been on her own for a long time. doesn’t compromise and she complains a lot about everything! There’s no way I’d go on a holiday overseas with her! We do a long weekend together in the UK every couple of years and that’s enough.

FIL (they’re long divorced) on the other hand is easy and affable company. I’d happily take him on holiday.

Your mum hasn’t enabled you to have a break at all! You are not being unreasonable to exclude her in future, but I wouldn’t actively tell her this.

Hi,
You know your limits but it sounds to me like you are missing out on some things unnecessarily. Could you afford a small mobility scooter? Some are easy to fold and put in the boot of a car. Then you can enjoy a day out with your sister: shops, cafe, tourist attraction, a nature trail with a decent path. If you can't afford a mobility scooter then perhaps a standard wheelchair will give you some freedom to get out and about with your sister?

You could apply for PIP, if you don't already claim it, and if successful save the money to get yourself a scooter.

Haha, what's that got to do with anything?

There's 17 years between my oldest sibling and me. 💁

Sounds like my MIL, who has been banned from future everything holidays