To tell my mum I’m not taking her on holiday again?

63 is decades too young for this shit.

Agreed.

OK so she has some mobility issues but does she really need 24/7 care?

I am 64 and on holiday with 68 year old DH right now. Boggling a bit at the thought we might need help!

Decades ago we used to have quite a few holidays with PILs and even in their early 70s they didn't need that much looking after. By their late 70s different story, family holiday no longer working. If your DM is being this clingy at such a young age you need to have some boundaries

There's always one

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP. If I go on holiday with another adult I don’t expect to spend every moment at their side. Even if she struggles with mobility she could stay at the apartment and read a book for a few hours to give you some time off.

Focus on getting home. Have a week to decompress. Take your kids for a day out when you get back to apologise. I wouldn’t say to your mum you wouldn’t go on holiday again unless she asks- by her complaining to other guests she’s given you the perfect excuse to just say but you didn’t enjoy it last time.

Separately I’d use this as a warning for how she’ll be long term at home and try to put things in place so you don’t get sucked into doing more at home. She says she needs help with groceries, order online; she can’t get to the doctor, taxi or community lifts.

She sounds lonely and like she might end up asking for help because she likes the company it provides

Give her a break.
We tend to look back at things with rose-coloured specs when loved ones are no longer with us....it's human nature.

Yes! We always book extra legroom seats for the flights, because DH is 6’4’ and struggles in economy seats for any length of time. We flew a few weeks ago, and were insulted to be asked at check in, if we needed “special assistance”?

I wondered if this was a trick question to throw us out of the extra leg room seats, given that passengers have to be fit and able to help the other passengers through the emergency exits off the plane?

Well I’m much younger and have mobility issues.
Does it mean that I should never exiect my own children to adjust to my disability by taking it into account when booking a hols with me?

Beimg independent,
like the OP’s mum is, doesn’t mean it’s also ok to push her aside or not take her into account for that holiday.

Because this is tge thing. It’s not an issue about someone naking it hard fir others just furvtye same of it.
It’s an issue with one member of the party disability not taken into consideration. It doesn’t matter tge age if the person really. Beimg asked to cinstantky wait it out ‘because sureky you can spend a couple of hours on your own’ whikst everyone else is having fun is utterly shit. Being there, done that p. The result is that I have been refusing to go away with my dh and my then teenage children. Because it was never a holiday altogether as a family. It was their holiday where I was supposed to have bread crumbs and be happy with it….

Situation with tye OP is tye same.
She never thought about accessibility with her mum.
And then wondered with her mum was ‘needy’ because she wasn’t happy to be pushed aside. She ought to have been happy with the crumbs. Right… I’m sure that if she had chosen to spend money on a holiday, she’d have chosen one that was accessible to her.

Situation with tye OP is tye same.
She never thought about accessibility with her mum.

I think that is unfair and untrue. Did you actually read the OP?

She said:
I thought we’d all do some things together and she’d do her own thing sometimes while we took the kids off somewhere. instead I seem to have spent the week looking after mum. she wants me to go everywhere with her, ...

I’ve missed things the kids wanted to do because mum didn’t want to be left."

She's not suggesting that her DM should be "happy with the crumbs" as you put it but it would be unreasonable to expect everyone else in the party to totally restrict themselves to only do activities thatvGrandma can join in. Yes their Dad can go with them for some things but it is the OPs holiday too and she ought to be able to expect some time with her kids rather than being her DMs companion 24/7.

I’m sure that if she had chosen to spend money on a holiday, she’d have chosen one that was accessible to her.
Yet that doesn't necessarily match up with what OP said:
"she kept saying she’d love to see the kids having a proper holiday"

She expressed a preference to see the kids having a holiday. The first choice for them is unlikely to be the sort of holiday that is fully accessible to Grandma. Compromise has to be made therefore and it sounds to me like OP is the one being expected to make all the compromises in this case.

I suspect most of us would tell even a person with zero mobility issues that they might find a beach holiday frustrating if they don't like sand.

So does one person having mobility issues then mean that if they are not able to do (or don't fancy) an activity, nobody else can do it either? OPs mum seems to expect that.

you only restrict everyone if whatever you have planned doesn’t take into account the person who is disabled in the first place.

Trust me, I’ve been disabled for many years and I can tell you you can plan a hol with someone is disabled where everyone is included.

By that I means planning ahead. Not assuming the disabled person will just ‘stay in her room’ or ‘do her own things’ wo any idea of what those things could be.
Thats what I mean by crumbs - planning the whole hols fur yourself and the needs of the disabled person is just an add on that THEY will have to deal with on ther own. Which is exactly what the OP did. And what do many posters are saying tge mum should have done.

Interesting quote you took from the OP
she kept saying she’d love to see the kids having a proper holiday"
How do you square that with wanting to do things on their own, WITHOUT her mum? How is that allowing her to see the kids enjoying the hols if she is in her own in her room or doing her own things??

I’ll tell you how things work for me,

The day is organised taking into account my needs.
We discuss what we would ALL want to do.
Like you would for any group holiday. It needs to work for everyone.

My two adult dcs, who love outdoor stuff etc.., do NOT do outdoor stuff if we’re away together. (Talking about trail running, climbing ,3 days walks here)
We do stuff centred around towns museums etc… which they also enjoy btw.

We might agree to do one thing separately. Not because I’m disabled or what not. But because it has been a DISCUSSION between us. And everyone makes an effort.

None if that has happened with the OP.
And yes tye OP’s mum expected that someine will be with her. Because as been pointed out by another poster the OP says
she kept saying she’d love to see the kids having a proper holiday
Thats what the mum was expecting. Why she came. Wouldn’t be put off if someone changed a beach hols into a museum one? Or a group hols into each individual doing their own things on their own. Same thing.

Never again, no guilt. She had her chance, and she behaved selfishly.

She is 63, not 83, and this level of neediness is unfair to you. There are only so many years you will get to enjoy a holiday with all your children and you kindly offered to have her share that experience, but given her behavior, it would be foolish of you to sacrifice that precious and fleeting time with your children again.

If your mother didn't want to partake in various things, then fine, but she shouldn't have held you back from them, too, and that is where you can never invite her again. If you do, it will again be at the expense of time with your children. That is time you will never get back, as with each passing year, they grow so much.

But OPs mother doesn't like sand. The kids presumably do. So for her to be able to see them enjoying the holiday rather than be doing her own things, they'd have to forego the beach part. Of their beach holiday.

None if that has happened with the OP.
And yes tye OP’s mum expected that someine will be with her. Because as been pointed out by another poster the OP says
she kept saying she’d love to see the kids having a proper holiday
Thats what the mum was expecting. Why she came. Wouldn’t be put off if someone changed a beach hols into a museum one? Or a group hols into each individual doing their own things on their own. Same thing.

@HouseBee I don't understand what you are trying to say in your last paragraph. Are you suggesting that they should have changed the beach holiday to a museum one so that the mum could have shared it fully? But do you think the kids would still consider that a proper holiday if time on the beach is what they prefer?

If this holiday was to be, for example, a short break where they could all do stuff together and the OP and her family were able to have another family holiday separately to this, then I think it would be fair enough to try to plan activities that included everyone, including the mum. But if this is to be their only holiday of the year then it seems a bit harsh to expect them all to forego the activities they most enjoy because Gran can't join in.

We dont get into it as people want different things. I get away for a rest not to mind others. Op its tricky. We avoid holiday topics now. She would want to be minded. Then no break for me)

She sounds very selfish. I’m not that far off that age but like to do my own thing.

I wouldn’t dream of being a nuisance like that with my own dd and my Dgc

Of course families will try to take into account all abilities, wishes and needs, but it's not possible to compromise with everything. If I'm afraid or water, I won't demand that my other family members therefore also shouldn't go to swimming, ever. My mum, a lot older than OPs will come with us to Sri Lanka soon - she has already said she does not fancy all the activities the kids want to do, but is then happy to chill during those times, she is not demanding nobody else does anything she doesn't want to do. We all consider it a reasonably compromise.

I've found this with parents coming on holidays. Had it with in laws and my mum. The top and bottom is, they think that because they're on holiday life should be easier/ more relaxing for them. "They're on holiday" she might manage at home, but she's on holiday so she doesn't want to "manage".

What they seem to miss is that they've gone on a family holiday with children and their parents. You can't expect parents of children, who are also on holiday, to then look after you as well. If you go on holiday with your grandkids it's going to be harder than your usual life at home because you have to do kid centered things and chip in abit.

Agree.
This is not in any way about reduced mobility, this is about OP being treated like a skivvy by a mother who has decided the entire holiday is about her and her needs, like a toddler, not being able to be left for 5 minutes alone.

Plenty of people go on holidays in their 60's and are walking 30km a day on the Camino, others have a relaxed pool, book and bar holiday.

The OP's mother should have waved them off, enjoyed her book, her view and meals.
THAT would have been a lovely holiday seeing your grandchildren having fun.

NOT running their mother ragged like a skivvy, bitching to other guests and being so selfish that her grandchildren think she's a pain in the arse.

Family holidays are so precious and not guaranteed.

I know, we haven't had one for years because my children are off on holidays with friends constantly and it is difficult to co ordinate, and we are a very close family.

I repeat, I have several friends in this age group, professional women with huge careers with teens still, at 62-63.

They had 3rd-4th pregnancies at 45-48...peri ones.
Thank god all babies were well and healthy.
I had my last at 42 and have a 19 year old at 61🙄.
It's exhausting but not unusual.

Sxwer no not easy. Never took our mum away. It gets set in stone too yearly. My cousin took his mam away but agrees works well she easy going. Find my mam wants it all her own way. No thanks

Like your cousin I have family that fight over bringing grandparents because both parents and children love it.
Late 60's and 70's, the children love the attention and the parents adore that mum and dad insist they head off for a couple of dinners on their own.
The grandparents are just thrilled to be having family time and a feet up holiday.

It can be wonderful for many when everyone is considerate of each other.

But why post? I presume OP is aware of her mother's mortality, and is still entitled to complain about her - all this does is try and shut the OP down.

It's just so tedious - someone will post exactly this on every thread about a difficult mother.

No she CANT walk on sand
And why in earth would you chose a sandy holiday of one member of the party doesn’t like sand anyway?

OP said that the issue isn't mum can't go to beach, it's that she doesn't like it.

But you and your husband had each other? Different from leaving the mother on her own surely?