To tell my mum I’m not taking her on holiday again?

This

Are you usually very close with you dm op? I don't have a close relationship with dm, and quite honestly her visits to our house drain me; she overstays and is quite honesty selfish and manipulative. I have young dcs, one with additional needs and it wouldn't be a holiday with her. Dcs wouldn't relax, I'd spend the time constantly telling them to not talk too much for dm, and I would spend the entire time trying to please her, like having a third dc. Her disappointment shows on her face, she would blame us for the holiday if it wasn't to her liking, although she wouldn't say it to our face. She had already hinted to come to Christmas activities like a doting grandmother with our family because it suits her now she has split up with her bf (never interested before), and makes little hints infront of dcs who wouldn't want her to go, as there isnt a strong enough bond there to begin with.
Sorry I digress...

I feel your pain. I have both a mother and mother in law like this. It is not a holiday with them. They expect me to spend every moment of every day with them and will loudly complain if I try to carve out a few minutes with my kids, my husband or even just by myself. They dictate the schedule, the activities, where we eat, everything. They consider it my “job”, my “duty” - these are the words they use. It’s not a holiday with them and in fact, they don’t seem grateful. With my own mom I’ll probably bring her again because my siblings just refuse to. With my mother in law, my husband says we have to because otherwise she’ll leave everything to a dog charity! He sounded like he was joking but I think he could be right!

It seems like DM took advantage of having OP there to do things for her that ordinarily she would do herself and in doing so upset the rest of the family as well making everyone focus on her.
No need to say she can't go on holiday with you again. Next time you plan it without her!

Cherish the time with your mum, even if the holiday didnt go to plan, you can always have another holiday but not another mum.

I took my mum on holiday in July, she was dead 3 weeks later. I wish I had enjoyed her more 😔

What an utter nightmare!

Stii just one room though 😳

I already get PIP, but only the lower level which just about pays for the additional expenses my mobility requires e.g. having the majority of my shopping delivered, driving an automatic car, having to pay for some things I can no longer do for myself. Working for Local Government my salary is just about enough to pay the bills and no more.

I'm at that stage where scooters or a wheelchair would be over the top really, but still restricted in things like distances or awkward terrain. I would still be restricting what they could do on their days out, the things we enjoy in common aren't the kind of things you can do with a mobility scooter or wheelchair (plus I would never expect them to push me!). The very thought of going shopping makes us both shudder with horror, shopping is for necessities not pleasure in our minds and especially just browsing without any needs seems pointless. Even sitting in a cafe for any length of time makes my back ache due to the chairs etc, I only go out for 2-3 meals a year as it is on special occasions like works Christmas Dinner or the annual meal for the food bank team at work. She does quite enough for me as it is, she owes me nothing and I'm grateful for what she does.

For me days out & holidays would be hill walking, visiting castles & stately homes, going animal parks and sanctuaries, visiting ancient monuments both in the UK and abroad, none of which are conducive to wheels.

Are you offering to lend OP your time machine then to fix that? 🙄

She’s only 63, I’m surprised she’s acting 83 even with mobility issues. My mum is 61 and still works in a physical job full time and cares for her toddler grandsons twice a week (not my children).

I feel for you because this is what my mum is like too. She lives alone and manages just fine at home, but on holiday acts like she needs constant help and support. We spoke and came up with a plan that she would pay to upgrade us all to a decent AI that someone else brings her drinks and food. Then we can all enjoy our holiday without me having an extra person to care for. We always book her a seperate room too and the last time we went hired a mobility scooter.

I find all these posts blaming the OP for not considering her mother's mobility problems both unfair to OP, and condescending to her mother, who, again, isn't some doddery old dear but is a mentally competent 63 year old!

Presumably she a) has been on a poolside holiday abroad before and knows what it consist of b) knows her own mobility best.

SHE specifically said she wanted to come on THIS holiday, it would have been paternalistic and overbearing for OP to tell her she's wrong and can't manage it.

For everyone focussing on the mobility, why is it not things like getting on and off the airplane, travelling through the airport, using the toilet, etc. that OP has highlighted as examples, or the mother has (very rudely) moaned about to random other visitors, but instead things that are nothing to do with mobility at own, like not wanting to be left alone in her own room, reading a menu and taking medication?

i don’t think you can understand this mindset unless you actually have a mother or mother in law like this. They want everything centered around them. They don’t think it’s unreasonable that everyone does what they want. You have to book a holiday that suits them, stay in a hotel or accommodation that suits their mobility needs, eat at restaurants where they will like the food. And they’ll be sure to complain if you go on a holiday and not include them.

I wouldn’t fall out over it now. But next time do your family holiday alone and do a weekend away just you and your mum maybe. Or tell mum if she wants to come on family trip you’ll need her to hire a carer too.

we brought my mother and mother in law on holidays (both widows) and they refused to share a room so I asked my two if they would share with the grannies. They said ok but neither of them wanted to share with my mother as they said “granny likes her own space”… or put another way, she makes it obvious that she doesn’t want her grandkids around. She wanted me to bring her on a holiday but didn’t want to have to hang out with my kids. Go figure.

Yes, been there done that OP. Throw in the mix an autistic dc too and I was ready to have some sort of breakdown.

We never did it again. I now budget for a weekend away in a cottage and invite her along for that, and pay for it all. But she doesn't get invited on the main holiday because frankly, I need a holiday myself.

Also, my DH is a easy going saint compared to some men, but he has his limits.

Family holiday means holiday with my husband and kids. We never holiday with grandparents (and we love them to bits) as I want to prioritise our kids and what we want as a 4. For most people, holidays are one or two weeks a year, why bring anyone else along when time is so precious. Presuming your Mum had years of holidays with you as a child aswell.

Just grin and bear it now and never do it again. What about having a weekend away with your Mum (if she struggles being widowed etc and doesn’t have others to travel with). Do something that works well with her mobility issues. Family holiday is your time, dont make excuses, just tell her you want to spend that time with the kids.

Adults who need constant attention and can't be left on their own for a bit are not desirable holiday companions at any age.

People keep talking about age, but some 63 year olds do 3 gym classes a day, and some 20 year olds have limited mobility (though it's true that people above middle age are more likely, on average, to have issues). But for those that do, being told other people of their age are ok is absolutely not ok, and feeling like a burden is miserable. Maybe trying out how certain things would feel if your leg can't bend, or whatever reflects her particular need, would be helpful, and getting the kids to help and be empathic would be good. Preschool kids can be included in conversations about how to help gran, and older ones can do specific things about carrying/medication. Planning an itinerary (roughly) is helpful, and it's lovely when the kids say we should do X because Y would be hard for gran, and it's so nice to have her that we need to find something to suit us all-everyone will have problems one day.

Your first paragraph is a tonic to read and yes you can dislike how someone behaves (your bottom never meeting the seat pad) and still love them (missing the old buggers after they've gone). And such wise words about making the most of this time with minimal drama now before the demands of caring for mum get more pressing.

I don’t think it’ll be a problem because I doubt she’ll jump at the chance of holidaying with you all again anyway

This is so weird. She’s 4 years off retirement age, not at all old, yet can’t be left alone for an evening, and isn’t able to be separated from family while they go to the beach for even a short while?

She sounds incredibly selfish and childish. Tell her to read a book and leave her on her own next time.

I think the mother sounds very unappreciative of the efforts being made for her - most would be all too happy for you all to go off as a family without her and let her sit round by the pool getting some peace. I think you need to make things clear after this holiday or there could be 20 more years of this. You don't need to appease her - she's 63, not 93.

Agree with others.
No big announcement but never again.
She is 63 ffs. I am 62. She sounds like a needy 85 year old and to be honest none of the 85 years i know, would behave like that.

Your brother lives away and its just you, you are being conditioned by her.

This indicates huge selfishness, not being able to sort her medication🙄.

This was your family holiday and she spoiled it.

I think what your 18 year old said needs to be your focus.
They wanted their mum but granny was behaving like a needy toddler and you fell for it.

You need to enforce boundaries or the rest of her life will ruin yours and your familys.

Considerate, appreciateive parents do not behave as she did, and you would be well advised to wake up to that.

What she said to those people on holiday was a plain lie, while she ruined your holiday and that of your familys.

Honestly, one thing if she was late 80's but early 60's?
Ridiculous.

No need for any announcement that you're not taking her again. Just book a holiday without her, and if she asks about coming on holiday, explain that you've booked something but it's going to be quite an active holiday and you'll be busy doing the activities with your kids, and you assumed that she wouldn't want to come as you wouldn't be able to spend much of the time with her. Then suggest that you take her away for a long weekend somewhere at another time.