To tell my mum I’m not taking her on holiday again?

A compromise might be a weekend with her away only. But my mother didnt want that either.. no easy answers op. I met a lovely lady today knew her from kids sports. Said her mam easy (she in her 70s a pleasure to be around). Mine is not brought away on hols as she negative all the time

YANBU. You tried to do a good thing but she’s being way to demanding on you. So no. Never do that again. She’s young really. Fair enough she has mobility issues but presumably can manage if she lives alone. So why can’t she read a book and relax if you want to go out with your family. I wouldn’t say anything but neither would I repeat it. Just booked for your family next year and if she asks then mention it then that you need a holiday because you missed out so much last year and she has a just not fit enough for your type of holiday.

I wonder if it’s the shared family room that’s the problem? Perhaps you’re all together in too small a space and that’s created loads of tension.

If you otherwise have a good relationship, I’d be tempted to try it again but with mum in her own room and clear boundaries stated up front, e.g ‘We’re going to do things with the kids and you’re welcome to join us if you’d like to’. That might set the scene that you’re expecting her to be as independent as she is at home.

Id expect an 18 year old to have more sympathy tbh.
Not sure about you and the level
of care you gave her. You clearly resented even helping her change for the pool. If she struggles with mobility so
much what is she supposed to do?
Did you bring her because she’d help pay for your holiday? I don’t see anything wrong with your partner needing to help more with dc if you need to help your mum

I get that, but when we post on a forum, the expectation is that we will get replies covering all angles.
Some will irritate, some will strike a chord in others.

OP, maybe you can clarify how the discussion went.

a) shall we all book a holiday together? Mum, what do you think about this option?
b) Mum, we have booked a beach holiday, would you like to join us?
c) Mum, this is our holiday plan and you are joining whether you like it or not!

I would think A or B are more likely. So mum voluntarily joins a beach holiday claiming she is there to see kids enjoying themselves, and then complains when people enjoy themselves.

OP didn't say she couldn't walk on sand, actually. She wrote 'I didn’t mean she couldn’t come to the beach, she just doesn’t really like the sand and with her mobility she struggles getting down there'. What this means is that even if her mobility issues evaporated, she still wouldn't like the sand.

And you'd choose it because it's a holiday with a varied group of people, different ages and stages, and it evidently offers multiple settings. There's a pool that OPs mum is clearly able and happy to attend, indeed it sounds like it would suit her better if the rest of the family forgot about their own preference and spent their time there instead. Sounds like there's also bars, restaurants and evening activity too. A pretty typical resort holiday, by the sound of it.

With 6 people including a sixtysomething, presumably middle aged-ish parents, an 18 year old and primary aged kids, holidays involving only things that every single person is willing and able to do for the whole of the trip probably isn't even possible. Likely the 18 year old is less enamoured with whatever kid's entertainment the resort offers than the 6 year old is, for example. The more people and preferences there are in a group, the better it is to have options and the less likely it is that everyone gets their own way all the time.

That's why you pick something that covers multiple bases, and hope nobody ruins it by expecting the others not to do any of the things they don't want to do. A holiday with both beach and pool actually works just fine if the sand hater doesn't expect either nobody else to go to the beach or the mother to miss out on beach time with her kids.

OP also has also not said mum was not part of the discussion.
There is also a difference between mobility issues and disabled, or no? My late MIL had some mobility issues, meaning she walked slowly and needed breaks, she wasn't classed as disabled.

And yes of course, if I am offered to participate in a holiday I don't want to or can't do, I will say no thanks, I didn't realise that is unusual. I don't dive as I have issues with ears. If someone asked me to go on a diving holiday, I would of course say no. It would not make sense to join that diving holiday and then not only refuse to go diving, but also complain when other people are and don't spend their diving holiday sitting in the hotel room with me.

Oh gosh, don't do this for her and don't feel bad.
I'm in my late 50s and my kids are both secondary age. We just went on holiday and DH is 10 years older than me and apart from cycling which the kids and I did, we did everything together. Boating, bus and boat rides to see the sights, film museum on a rainy day, it's not like DH or I have one foot in the grave! DH didn't cycle because of a leg issue but I also have some mobility issues so I cycled instead of loads of walking. DH prefers walking and I did have to keep asking him to get a bus some places!
She's been milking it, and if she doesn't want to go out with you all in the evenings what does she expect you to do?
Don't go with her again and don't feel guilty.

Where did you get she was part of the discussion about planning the hols?

The OP has been very clear she wasnt clear about her expectations - the mum would have to do her own things some of the time. What else has she not talked about?
Like would you agree to a hols with a beach there if you think you’re going to spend the whole time together - because the mum was invited to be able to see the dcs on hols - vs a hols that’s a beach hols you can’t access but you’re also supposed to amuse yourself a lot of the time? These are two very different things and even the OP agreed that her lack of communication was the issue.

But also, imagine you tell the mum ‘oh do you want to join us on hols?’
And then you tell her ‘we’re thinking about going to xyz’, would you feel like saying ‘No, that’s not working for me. I’m too restricted/not mobility friendly etc…’?
Any idea on how hard it is to say that? How much it makes you feel like a burden? That you need to first acknowledge you are disabled and need accommodation - both from the mum and the OP pov btw. (Note the fact the OP never refers her mum as beimg disabled. The only has ‘mobility issues’)

Thats why you don’t organise a hols with someone with ‘mobility issues’ wo taking those into account.
It’s unfair to even expect them to do their own things in an environment where they can do little. Or to have to insist on those mobility issues to be taken into account in the first place. And that’s exactly what ableism is.

When planning the holiday, either mum was part of the discussion and agreed to a beach holiday, or she decided to join a beach holiday already planned. To then demand that nobody goes to beach as she does not like it - a bit selfish, no?

oh crumbs - you are being pulled in too many directions here - leave them all to it and go on holiday on your own

Presumably because it is primarily a family holiday that her children will enjoy.

You have said:

'My two adult dcs, who love outdoor stuff etc.., do NOT do outdoor stuff if we’re away together. (Talking about trail running, climbing ,3 days walks here)
We do stuff centred around towns museums etc… which they also enjoy btw.'

A holiday centred around towns/museums wouldn't be much fun for OP's children. Children enjoy playing on beaches. Unless OP's family is rich enough to have more than one family holiday per year, it is unreasonable of her mum to expect that the holiday revolves around her to the detriment of her grandchildren's enjoyment.

I’m somewhat distracted by simultaneously thinking about all your ages if you have an 18 year old and your mum is only 63 as well as you have obviously taken 3 children on holiday during school term time 😬

the thing with family holidays is that they never go quite how you expected and if she had one vision in her mind and you had another it’s always going to be difficult.

TBH you don’t really need to say anything about not holidaying together again as it will just come across as cruel - I’m sure she won’t raise the idea again so just don’t ever bring the subject up again?

with being on her own she has probably become set in her ways and is probably enjoying Having you around (to wait on her hand and foot) and it’s come across wrong. Your 18yr old is not a child and could have pitched in more and sat with his grandmother for the day freeing your time up and I suspect he has used you to get out of that as well.

But you and your husband had each other? Different from leaving the mother on her own surely?

OP said that the issue isn't mum can't go to beach, it's that she doesn't like it.

No she CANT walk on sand
And why in earth would you chose a sandy holiday of one member of the party doesn’t like sand anyway?

But why post? I presume OP is aware of her mother's mortality, and is still entitled to complain about her - all this does is try and shut the OP down.

It's just so tedious - someone will post exactly this on every thread about a difficult mother.

Like your cousin I have family that fight over bringing grandparents because both parents and children love it.
Late 60's and 70's, the children love the attention and the parents adore that mum and dad insist they head off for a couple of dinners on their own.
The grandparents are just thrilled to be having family time and a feet up holiday.

It can be wonderful for many when everyone is considerate of each other.

Sxwer no not easy. Never took our mum away. It gets set in stone too yearly. My cousin took his mam away but agrees works well she easy going. Find my mam wants it all her own way. No thanks

Agree.
This is not in any way about reduced mobility, this is about OP being treated like a skivvy by a mother who has decided the entire holiday is about her and her needs, like a toddler, not being able to be left for 5 minutes alone.

Plenty of people go on holidays in their 60's and are walking 30km a day on the Camino, others have a relaxed pool, book and bar holiday.

The OP's mother should have waved them off, enjoyed her book, her view and meals.
THAT would have been a lovely holiday seeing your grandchildren having fun.

NOT running their mother ragged like a skivvy, bitching to other guests and being so selfish that her grandchildren think she's a pain in the arse.

Family holidays are so precious and not guaranteed.

I know, we haven't had one for years because my children are off on holidays with friends constantly and it is difficult to co ordinate, and we are a very close family.

I repeat, I have several friends in this age group, professional women with huge careers with teens still, at 62-63.

They had 3rd-4th pregnancies at 45-48...peri ones.
Thank god all babies were well and healthy.
I had my last at 42 and have a 19 year old at 61🙄.
It's exhausting but not unusual.

I've found this with parents coming on holidays. Had it with in laws and my mum. The top and bottom is, they think that because they're on holiday life should be easier/ more relaxing for them. "They're on holiday" she might manage at home, but she's on holiday so she doesn't want to "manage".

What they seem to miss is that they've gone on a family holiday with children and their parents. You can't expect parents of children, who are also on holiday, to then look after you as well. If you go on holiday with your grandkids it's going to be harder than your usual life at home because you have to do kid centered things and chip in abit.

Of course families will try to take into account all abilities, wishes and needs, but it's not possible to compromise with everything. If I'm afraid or water, I won't demand that my other family members therefore also shouldn't go to swimming, ever. My mum, a lot older than OPs will come with us to Sri Lanka soon - she has already said she does not fancy all the activities the kids want to do, but is then happy to chill during those times, she is not demanding nobody else does anything she doesn't want to do. We all consider it a reasonably compromise.

She sounds very selfish. I’m not that far off that age but like to do my own thing.

I wouldn’t dream of being a nuisance like that with my own dd and my Dgc

We dont get into it as people want different things. I get away for a rest not to mind others. Op its tricky. We avoid holiday topics now. She would want to be minded. Then no break for me)