To tell my mum I’m not taking her on holiday again?

Does she have friends?

You don't need to tell her you're not going on holiday with her again. That's just mean. Don't organise another family holiday with her but it doesn't need a big announcement.

Part of the problem might be that you keep talking about "taking her" and "bringing her" on holiday. It implies that she's going to be looked after. It's an entirely different proposition to asking her if she'd like to tag along or join.

My mother was exactly the same. “If you’re getting up, can you just get me/fetch me…” And would sit on a sun lounger repeatedly saying “You could die of thirst around here,” loudly, rather than order a drink from the waiter who was flitting around, or ask people if they wanted a drink or ice cream and go and get it. Because then she would have had to have paid…

If I’d been your Mum, OP, and we’re similar ages, I’d have been delighted to have been left in the shade with my book while the rest of you went to the beach.

63 is not old. I would think she’d want an evening reading or relaxing on her own. When we go away with family we all make sure we get alone time. Expecting you to entertain her is really not fair, she needs to go away with friends who will want to do what she wants.
Having said that we don’t go away with my DM anymore as she didn’t understand I wanted to go to the beach or in the sea. She hated doing active things and assumed as a woman I would too, nothing could be further from the truth. I think she thought she was saving me from a hour surfing when I was desperate to get in the sea. Her assumption was an hour gossiping was the better option and she was doing me a favour.

Different Interpretations. She thought this was a holiday for her that you were all going on too. You meant it to be your family holiday that she was joining. Of course you didn't intend that she would always have to fit in with whatever you were all doing, there would be a lot of consideration for her too. But she seems to have assumed that everything would be centred on her.

You don't have to take her again but if you do make sure you set out the arrangements very clearly beforehand.

Does your mum work op? If not why not? 63 isn't particularly old and whilst she might be independent and cope at home, is there more to this?

You mention you had separate sections and not sharing a big room, do you each have your own room?

It sounds badly planned. A beach that’s too far or too many steps for your mums mobility was never going to work. A hotel with a pool would have been better. And she came on holiday to be with you all. What made you think she’d want to hang out at the hotel alone? I can understand her disappointment. If you make a point of telling her she’s not invited again, that will be very hurtful. She didn’t choose the hotel so it’s not really her fault. Just do everyone a favour and don’t take her next time. She probably won’t want to go anyway.

Sounds like the hotel does have a pool, as she wanted help getting changed for it. So they have some kind of access to a pool anyway. But apparently she's not willing to sit and chill by it with a book/her phone whilst OP goes to the beach with her 6 year old, which actually would seem a pretty reasonable thing for her to do.

You're not really holiday compatible with your mother at this stage in your life - understandably since you have children or varying ages and a partner to consider as well. I would just put this one down to experience and as another poster has suggested, don't suggest another holiday but if it comes up just kindly say you'll take your mum out somewhere instead and if she presses, maybe say that it had been hard for you to handle both your children/partner wanting your time and attention whilst also wanting to be an attentive daughter to her so it hadn't worked for you. This is true but doesn't make it about her disability or lack of insight. (If she lives alone, she may just be wanting a bit more attention and because you're super busy, you won't necessarily be able to give her as much as she would like?) I think she does lack insight a bit as you also have a partner on holiday too to consider here. There is quite a lot going on for you!

In a way I would be more concerned about your mum wanting you to do things that she would normally do. Isn't that how people lose the ability to do things and eventually their independence and even though she has a disability, she is still quite young? I'm not sure how you raise it with her though?

If she lives alone surely she sorts her own meals and meds there ?
She's taking the piss

Suggest in the future

Book accessible hotel room for your DM
Hotel with no stairs & a lift

Hire a mobility scooter once on holiday

Or a cruise ?

I have experience of caring for someone with poor mobility. They are always happy for us to go off & do things. We have meals together & do some things together.

Your DM is in her 60s, not her 80s or 90s !

She sounds very self-absorbed. My mum comes to most of our family holidays, she's 83 not 63. She may not fancy the longer hikes in Sri Lanka or similar, but is then perfectly happy to chill by the pool.
Did your mum really expect everyone to limit their holiday activities to things she is willing and/or able to do? If she can live alone, she can't be that dependent on 24H assistance. And surely 63 is not so old, frail and confused that she can't be by herself for short periods of time.

This is ridiculous. OP said mother could get to the beach, she just doesn't like it. She doesn't want to do things, but wants company. The fact that she was so rude about her daughter to randoms at dinner is appalling.

I'd be mortified if my children said I'd behaved like this. She may struggle more on her own than OP realises, but I don't see it. She lives close by, is in frequent contact, and doesn't sound like someone who's backward in letting OP know any shortcomings.

At home she's a separate independent person. On holiday she shouldn't be making OP feel bad every day. She can do her tablets at home, she can do them on holiday. She gets her own food at home, she can cope with finding lunch if the others go out for one day.

Ugh. Far too scarred by my own experiences, echoed in the OP.

I hear you op. DH and I attempted one holiday with his dad and our two teens plus a teenage cousin. We couldn’t do anything together - the teens wanted to cycle, swim, climb and explore. Grandad wasn’t up for any of that. So we ended up with DH knackered from doing all the sporty stuff with the teens, and me shepherding grandad around various castles, museums and tea shops. We did meet up for dinner, self catering so I was still on duty then as well. It was really hard work and DH and I spent basically no time together. We kind of knew it would be this way, but it was far harder than we expected, trying to meet everyone’s expectations and not our own 🤷‍♀️

I feel for you. I had this with my widowed father who came away with us 3 times. It ruined my holiday as I was looking out for him all the time. It thankfully ended when he decided it was too much effort for him. So I booked a holiday for me and kids and he declared he would come too, but I lied and told him there weren’t enough beds in the cottage.
I would suggest not taking her on your main holiday again but maybe a short break might be more enjoyable for her and you

12 year age gap between children is silly!

If she manages to live alone then she can manage to do her meds etc alone without you babysitting her. I would tell her honestly that you won't be inviting her again as this is learned helplessness she's doing it deliberately.

@MaxLaRush Sorry you've had a crappy time. Don't take her away with your family again. She obviously thinks she can't cope and that you're there not as a daughter but as her carer.

One thing you do need to consider, once you're home, you need to have a very serious conversation with your DH firstly and then your brother about your mother and what happens in the future when her mobility, etc. declines.
Is she expecting to move in with you?
Is she expecting you to be her carer?
Has she funds to pay for her own care?
Does she need to move to somewhere accessible?

Sorry, but you have seen what she's been like while you've been on holiday. It's a warning for things to come.
💐

It sounds like none of you really thought through what you'd do on this holiday. Making your mum pay her full share for what is essentially being left to her own devices seems quite mean, though. And if I were her, I'd feel as if I'd been abandoned and/or was a burden the rest of the family would rather not have to deal with. I'd be surprised if your DM wanted to ever join your family on a holiday again. But I think you should be somewhat apologetic to her in that it sounds like you and the rest of your family are just going off to do whatever you like without really a consideration for how you could have adjusted things to include your DM. Sitting alone in a bar is pretty dismal.

I can’t get over the fact she’s only 63 but seems to have OP very much set up as her main carer, there could be another 20-30 years of this. Family holidays with DCs are precious and you don’t want to spoil them. I wouldn’t make a big announcement of it but if holidays come up again just say it didn’t work and would she like to do a weekend away with you instead. Something like a coach trip might work as you get driven to yiur locations, mind you you do have to get on and off the bus yourself.

Does she have any other friends she could go away with ?

Well if she's saying it anyway. Set her up with a book or something and go out as a family for the day. See if you can get at least one day in where you feel like you've had a break. Let her sulk and the future issue will sort itself out on its own.

I can't get over she's 63. Same age as my husband and wants a carer.

Exactly this!

I totally understand where you're coming from OP. Your DM sounds needy and selfish. Surely she can entertain herself for a few hours so you can go the beach with your DC? What does she do normally as a person who lives alone? It sounds like she's guilt-tripping you into spending every minute with her, which any kind and reasonable person would never do. Moaning to other guests that you're leaving her on her own when you're not and when you're actually sacrificing time with your DH and kids to sit with her is not on either.

I wouldn't make an announcement that you're not taking her again unless she puts you on the spot, but I would just book to go away without her if it's a family holiday. If you want to go away with her then perhaps go just the two of you to something appropriate for her mobility needs, but a family beach holiday clearly doesn't work.

What a ridiculous comment! Which child should OP send back?

Her mum is the problem, not the ages of her children. Her mum sounds like an entitled pain in the arse who ruined the holiday for OP.