To tell my mum I’m not taking her on holiday again?

Lots to unpick here, Op, but seems there was no clarity about expectations for the holiday beforehand.

Your ds has actually said that it's your reaction to your mother that has spoiled the holiday.

Was the £700 your mum paid her full share, or have you subsidised her as well?

It doesn't sound like a good experience for anyone.

Leaving her on her own unless clarified before booking seems an odd assumption, I’d think that was pretty wrong to do. Of course she didn’t want to be left alone

18! Or 8 .. is that a typo?

Sounds tricky OP.

There’s no need for a big announcement that you are never doing this again - that will just cause a row and upset. Just don’t ever do it again!

I’d have had the same reaction as the op. Actually I’d have put my foot down and not spent every single evening with my mother and missed out on activities with my children, or I’d have given her the choice to do her own thing or join us. Either way I agree, no one had fun and simply do not repeat it

You’ve worded that a bit hyperbolic haven’t you? The op said she expected to do some things together and some things apart. That’s not unreasonable. She said her mum is independent at home. I think it was up to the mum to state she would suddenly need at 24:7 carer and would complain whenever the op tried to do something with her family

I’m struggling to think of any evening activities she wouldn’t be able to join? Surely it’s just dinner, and most of the time you’d pick accessible places?

You are not being unreasonable, and she’s 63, not elderly by any means (even with limited mobility). I’ve travelled with fragile elderly PIL (using walkers) and they were very happy to have some rest days at the air bnb or people gaze in cafes while we focussed on the kids for a couple of hours. We also managed to have fun grown up evenings playing cards etc - something they hadn’t expected to enjoy so much. I d do it again in a heart beat. I’ve also travelled with my mother (less well travelled, completely able bodied), who sucked all the fun out of the holiday by expecting me to be her personal tour guide/translator/haggler/bank/entertsinment, and then had a temper tantrum when I so much as asked her to read a travel book and pick the activities for a day. Or read a map. Or order her own meal. If your situation is like mine was, then you’ve landed yourself with a very lazy and self centred companion, whether she’s your mother or not. At least now you can say you’ve tried, draw a line and put it behind you. I also wouldn’t beat yourself up if it’s made you cranky - people like this are energy vampires.

I'm not clear why she wasn't joining you with your family on those activities?

If her mobility issues were preventing her to join basic activities like going to the beach, then it was the wrong holiday for her. I don't think it was reasonable to expect her to stay on her own in the room whilst everyone else was out doing stuff.
She either shouldn't have been invited, or ta different location should have been picked that was more adapted to her needs.

YANBU
Why would she expect you to be with her every waking hour?

If i went on holiday with an active family i'd expect to be left out of some stuff. A situation arose this summer when DH and i were away with our grown up kids (and our younger kids). DH has been v poorly recently and we couldn't do everything we had planned. No way we'd expect the more able bodied members to change their plans !

You’ve only had one holiday with her so there should be no expectation for you to take her next time you go on holiday.

I would not make an issue of it but next time simply plan to holiday without her. If she sulks about it or starts to emotionally blackmail you then I think you just need to say that you need some time away with your family and to be able to share all activities with them.

As a grandma I would have urged my daughter to leave me and go with the family if I couldn’t manage an activity. Obviously there needs to be a balance with a family holiday of this kind but she does sound very selfish in not wanting you to leave her when she was perfectly capable of coping on her own.

This is a tough one for all of you.
My mum has very limited mobility and we go away with her. We include her in our activities when we can but I explained beforehand that there will be lots of things she just won't be able to participate in and she can sit by the pool or chill on the balcony or Sthg. She is absolutely fine with that. She would never dream of preventing us spending time together as a family and is grateful that we take her as she's unable to travel alone

It does sound like you all got caught up in your own upset in the moment.

Why not take her out for a coffee and have a chat and apologise that you didn't share your own expectations before going. And that you'd love her to be able to holiday with you again but that it will be a family holiday and you will be spending time with your DH and kids, and it's not fair to limit their activities to what a disabled elderly lady can do. There will be plenty you do together, but you'd like her to be able to go to the pool alone and strike up conversations with people for company.

How old are the kids? I agree that it’s hard to manage young toddlers that you can’t take your eyes off around the pool and need help with food etc and the needs of an elderly/ disabled mum but if they’re all able to sort themselves out, I would not have resented helping a mum who presumably was used to going on holiday with her husband with his care and company. It’s natural that she would expect your company.

I also don’t understand the separation of things (your husband with the kids and you with your mum). Do they not get on? I would’ve loved to be on holiday with my nan as a teen and would’ve wanted to hang around with her as we all had a good laugh together.

Yes, it does sound like a clash of expectations, and I can understand your disappointment. It sounds tough for your mother too, though. Many people with disabilities may find it easier to manage at home where they're familiar with everything. A different environment may feel much harder to manage and expose the extent of their disabilities - and possibly anxieties about them - more than staying at home.

Also, I completely get why you'd want to do things with your family, but your mother clearly saw herself as family too. It sounds like you wouldn't want to spend time with her unless you had to or were dutifully/resentfully looking after her. That may have been what made her feel like a burden, even if you were in fact staying with her often. That's a difficult realisation for her. That's not to say she wasn't also being unreasonable, but it's hard to tell from your post, and it depends on your relationship in normal life. If I'd gone on holiday with my late father, I'd have been holidaying with him and enjoying his company, even if he was restricted. With my mother, I'd have been much more likely to have been a resentful carer!

That said, it would be worth talking through expectations in advance of anything in future, and maybe if you did go away picking a shorter break where there's less time to get frustrated with one another.

Mobility issues aside, your mum is younger than me, and I wouldn't behave like that! In fact, I would enjoy having quality time on my own in the peace and quiet sometimes, away from the hurly-burly of a family holiday.

Definitely don’t go away with her again. You might just be better off never telling her about where you’re going on holiday again. Don’t tell her about dates or where you’re going or anything.

She decided you would be her companion, that’s not a holiday for you.

You don’t need to say anything, just don’t book with her again.

Your mum holidaying with your family hasn't really worked out and that is ok. You know now it doesn't work.

Perhaps sometime you and her can go somewhere together as she seems to want you all to herself. Better to do that separate from your family holiday.

Or has she subsided you?
I think the main issue though was that you both had different expectations from the holiday and so your experiences have been different. I think you are both right because you have both been disappointed but also both wrong to just assume what the holiday would be like.
You are not unreasonable not to do it again though if you don't want to

"my 18 year old said that he doesn’t want grandma coming on holiday again" - what have I just read?

I think you're actually strengthening OP's mum point here...

Your husband was poorly and you said "we" stayed behind. You stayed with him.

Has to be 8.

I agree that there’s no need for a big announcement, just don’t do it again.

Whatever the circumstances, your mum backchatting about the holiday and dissing you to some randoms she met is not on.

I would think tbh that your mum is naturally a bit of a whinger and the grass is always greener, but she doesn’t expect to be taken at her word, she just likes creating a situation where the person she talks to feels they should do something. Tbh if she ‘always wanted to see the kids on a real holiday’ she would have made it happen by now - nothing was stopping her booking something herself years ago. Your eldest is 18! I’d say stop taking everything she says at face value.

Likewise, really listen to what your eldest said to you. Your reaction has made the holiday less fun for them. Have a think about how you react to your mum and perhaps other situations too. I always recommend therapy because it’s done so much for me, but a bit of thinking about what you really want and your relationship with your mum wouldn’t go amiss.

Why couldn't she go to the beach too? If it was meant to be a family holiday I would expect you all to stay together, of course you your partner and the kids might go in the sea and she might prefer to stay on a lounger on the beach, but all of you in the same place. And why couldn't you all be together in the evenings?