If you had your chance to start again, would you still have had kids?

Yes, it means I don’t have a career so I’m poor as hell; but I would give everything for my children and Im grateful everyday for them. They are the best thing about me and absolutely the best thing I’ve ever done is bring them up, such a huge privilege (even though I know as a feminist it’s not an approved answer lol!)

Yes but only in the exact same circumstances, I’d have never gone for it without a DH who I knew was going to be at least a 50/50 parent

Absolutely not.
I had an unwanted pregnancy before legal abortion was available in my country.

I loved my child, could not give him up for adoption, but life was incredibly hard for an unmarried mother.

Yes, but probably only one. My children's father was an abusive and useless POS and I could have escaped a lot sooner had I only had one child.

Having said that, I do love all my children and I wouldn't be without them now.

Yes agree with the age thing entirely. Age is a controversial thing on here, but I’d tell anyone despite the prejudices the best decision I ever made was to become a parent in my 20s.

I would absolutely have my children again. In every single lifetime I would have them again. I went through hell to have them and it was completely worth it. I have genuinely never regretted having them, not even for a millisecond. They enhance my life in ways I couldn't possibly have imagined.

That said - adoption is a COMPLETELY different kettle of fish. Even from birth, adoptive children come with trauma and we are only just scratching the surface of that. Adoptive children who are now adults are best placed to speak of the challenges and benefits of adoption so I highly recommend doing a lot of research into their views. But adoption is not a cure for infertility - it is a completely different skillset and way to spend your life.

For me it's a bit like saying, oh do you like painting? Yes, yes, I've done some sip and paint classes on occasion, they're great I'd definitely go again. Oh that's great, could you come and help paint the Sistene Chapel for me then? ....err, no. I don't know how to paint lying down, I don't have any of the equipment I'd need, I don't have the patience to be painting day in day out, I've not got any contacts at the Vatican to know who to speak to....... and so on. They're sort of very broadly in the same category of 'activity' but one does not replace or imitate the other.

Yes. I had my only dc at 45, having focussed on my career before that. His df proved to be a lazy, selfish, uninvolved parent and we split when ds was two and a half.

After that, it was hard work as I continued to work full time, but the last 18 years have been filled with love & joy, humour & interest. I've done things I would never have done without him, and made a lot of friends.

I've spent weeks teaching him to swim & cycle, days skiing slowly backwards, teaching him to ski. We've learned karate together. The time spent making a WWI battle trench out of chocolate cake at 9pm on a Sunday night after he forgot to tell me.

Whether I would have felt the same about a child I had not birthed, I don't know. But don't worry about your age, as long as you are basically healthy. I'm 63 and dropped mine at halls of residence this week.

If it is something you really want, go for it.

Absolutely the best thing I've ever done. Ds is a fantastic young man and we are great friends who love spending time with each other.

I’m a mum via adoption and it’s very different to having a birth child. We’re 2 years in and I wouldn’t change it. The process is slow though so if you’re considering it I would look at the local agency and see if there are any information days for you to go along to asap, they can answer a lot of questions for you.
What is your work life like? Adoption process requires a lot of time, when we were in stage 2 we met our social worker almost every week for 2 hours, sometimes more, for months.
Financially, could you manage adoption leave (pay will generally mirror whatever the maternity provision is) and potentially working part time? You may not need to but chances are you will for a period of time and SW will expect you to have a plan for this.

What I would say to you OP is that I don’t think I’d consider it if I didn’t have a trusted support network. It doesn’t have to be big but you will need people who can have your child for you for a few hours, who can listen while you talk things through and ideally who can also help on a practical level (like bringing shopping to you when you and dc are sick).
I have a hands on DH and there were still times on my adoption leave where I was on my knees and genuinely questioning our choice. The only thing that helped was having my ILs take LO off my hands for an hour or so then having DH pick him up and take over. I needed the time to shower, sleep, have a break from the monotony and noise.

I dont think the partner or lack of would put me off - I know lots of parents in relationships where one of them (usually the dad) might as well not be there. But adoption is a totally different thing. There will be some form of trauma no matter the circumstances and along with that the rate of FASD, attachment issues and SEND is very high.

Saying all that, I’ve met a lot of adoptive parents and only one regrets the choice, and that’s because they adopted siblings (which come with a particular type of trauma) and her DH left so she’s suddenly a single mum to 2 small children.
All the others have varying levels of stress but all love that we are parents now so I would do it all again.

Yes, very much so. I'd have made a lot of different choices, mostly around finances, career and relationships but my son is the one thing I don't regret one bit. I am very proud of the young man he has become. I'd even go through the pain of marrying and divorcing his father again if I had to 🤣.
That said, he's been an easy child who has grown into a lovely young man. I've been very fortunate.

No. I love mine to bits and wouldn't be without them now. But if I knew then what I know now I wouldnt.

It's the emotional pain I struggle with. When they hurt you hurt but there's nothing you can. Do to ease their pain. They have to go through it.

And dint be fooled that they just add on to your life. They completely take it over. I was an older mother too and I think its harder as yiu are more set in your ways.

I had my son mid-40s. Best of both worlds.

Yes I would, but I would parent differently knowing what I know now about being ND (they are in their 20s and we have a fantastic relationship but I just didn’t understand some of their behaviours as young children and could've dealt with them better knowing what I do now).

Plus you worry as soon as the are born for the rest of your life! That’s a hard one to deal with and not good if you have anxiety as well!

They are def the negatives (obviously being ‘tied’ to them is another, but I don’t feel we put our lives on hold - it was just another type of life - I made friends I’d never have met without them).

They give you joy and heartache in equal measure!

But so much easier than trying to raise a happy joyful child, with a useless father trailing along behind.

Yes. The only thing I’d change is I’d have started a family earlier (I was 39), and I would have had more than one. It’s incredibly difficult at times but is the single best thing I have ever done. I used to be consumed by work and career and getting stuff, and now I’m far more content and relaxed and “settled”. That’s just me, obviously, others experience will be different and, crucially, had I not had DD, I’m sure I would have had a perfectly happy life too.

The honest answer is I just don’t know. My view is coloured by how much I love my children and how happy they have made me. But it has been hard thus far, with DS1 having ASD and ADHD and DS2 with severe OCD and IBD (only sticking his toe in the water of going back to school now after two years at home.) I am DS2’s carer as well as his mum. It’s hard to imagine life without them. Unlike people who perhaps remember the freedom of their pre child years and miss the fun and autonomy, I can’t say my life was particularly wonderful before children. Just ticking along. I had mine at 41 and 45 and have to say these last few years of raising preteens into teenagers have been brutal. And I looked after my mum with dementia for almost a decade. That would have been ten times easier with no children to be fair. So a mixed review of my parenting years🤣

Yes I would. Nothing else in my life has brought me anywhere near as much joy even though I have had plenty of lovely experiences and other people in it.
There have, of course, been many moments when it has been challenging and stressful, and they are the moments I might have verbalised the most. But the joy overrides them in every way.

I’m child free op and I’ve never experienced that ‘yearning’ to have a child that you’ve described so maybe you do want to be a parent.
However I’m in a good relationship and we enjoy a relatively nice lifestyle so I don’t feel like I’m ’missing out’ on anything in life if that makes sense. Perhaps that’s the single side of you wanting a family unit rather than the child free side of you, if that makes sense ?

Don't do it OP. I wish I had the energy to explain all the reasons why. It will ruin your life in ways you can't even imagine. Especially considering your current lifestyle, your age, and the child you will be bringing up. I'm sorry. How about fostering?

My daughter is an amazing young woman, and yes, I'd have her all over again.

I'm 61. It would be interesting to do my life again without children and without my first husband. A child free life with my second husband ( he has no biological children and we didn't succeed in having a child together) would have been very different and very luxurious. However, having children means you also possibly get the chance to be a granny ( I have 2 grandsons aged 2 and 4) and that is the most utterly and absolutely brilliant thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't change being a granny and living 10 minutes away from them for all the money/ travel/ freedom in all the world.

Someone else said it here. I love my children so much, there’s nothing like it. But it brings a whole new level of anxiety and worry. Are they happy? What will their life be like? Jobs are so incredibly hard to get for teenagers. My 18 year old is having a gap year and struggling to get anything. He’s applied for 100’s of jobs. Makes me worry for him. And that’s the bit of parenting that’s challenging for me. My heart and head being well depends on them being in a good place. I have a great life, great husband. Love spending time with my kids, always did when young and now as older teens. Would I do it again knowing the anxiety. Yes.

Would i do it as a single mother? Hell no.

Yes. And I say that as someone who has struggled badly at times with the grind of parenting, and as a parent of a disabled child - it’s been extremely hardgoing at times.

My children have completely changed me, and only for the better. I’m stronger, more compassionate and a better human being because of them. And as young adults now, they bring so much joy and energy and fun into my life.

However, I had them at 27 and 30. If I were single and in my early 40s, I would not choose to embark on parenthood, no. Parenting is a long, hard road and I wouldn’t choose to enter it alone and be spending my 50s and 60s consumed with the needs of others (especially an adopted child, with all the needs and issues that may come with that).

I say that as a perimenopausal 50 year old. The quite sudden onset of ‘no fucks left to give’ that has descended on me at this stage of life just doesn’t seem compatible with the unbounding physical and emotional energy, patience and selflessness required to parent children!

I think this is such a great post ! I had my kids later in life and very close together. I had a footloose life prior, great slightly glamorous job and it took my quite some time (!) to get used to the change as I was a SAHM.

I would really concur with the previous post. The cost of raising kids really has sky rocketed. We have felt it hugely as a family even in the last five years. Our two are nearly at the end of secondary.

These are the things I would really consider if adopting:
Kids can really reflect back your own failings/ complexities and internal complications and the way you relate to your self and others and not necessarily in a good way - sometimes like one of those freakish circus mirrors! The likelihood that any family stuff (from your own family) than is unresolved and relationships difficulties may come up, is very high and can have the most profound impact on your parenting / and the child for good or ill. I think this is what (can) make it so hard at times. I say this as someone who had an inkling of this and did some therapy prior to try and become more aware of my own background (which included maternal loss). It helped but was still really challenging.

Add to this the complexity and demands of a child you won’t know the true needs of if adopted. You can’t really know how it will impact them - until it all is revealed over time. We know so much about the perils of incomplete or troubled attachment.

I was surprised at just how physical a parent is - when they are little you’re always carrying them, loads of bags, lifting buggies, lack of sleep etc. When you’re ill and the GP says “You need to rest” you will make a hollow laugh. There is no rest - if your child needs you, you are the bottom of the pile.

I think the above are the reasons why it’s so demanding and can be extremely exhausting. The previous poster is quite right - external resources would be one of my first thoughts both in terms of human support and financial. Having a financial cushion is a massive massive help. The black cab when it’s pouring with rain and your child has a fever, emergency food shopping delivery when you’ve forgotten you have no food, money for activities to get out of the house, a cleaner because in the early years and if you’re working there are not enough hours in the day, money for a babysitter because if you don’t see your friends you will go mad (!), money for tutoring because they are struggling etc etc. They will drain your bank account! And of course back up emotionally so it’s not just you and them in your circle. Friends can be great but often it is family who will help. If they can and are able or willing to.

Having said all that - being a parent is a wonderful, wonderful thing and I echo a previous poster who said it was the privilege of her life. Nothing I’ve done comes close to the happiness and deep satisfaction and joy but it is a leap of faith and lots (and lots!) of self denial and hard work. I was not particularly maternal and did imagine having a good life without kids but I’m enormously happy that I ended up having them. They are funny, surprising, annoying, demanding, kind thoughtful and sweet. They are - as an older mum - still as late teenagers quite exhausting! I would take a really honest look at myself : do I have good support ? Am I fairly emotional together? What if having an adopted child means it’s unlikely I will have time to date for the next 5 years? Are there schools near me? What will I do if I have to take time off work (and there is lots of this). Etc etc.