If you had your chance to start again, would you still have had kids?

It's a no from me. My 2 boys are 14 and 10, one has ADHD and the other a TOP and there are very few days where I don't regret having children. I was a late mum (I'm 52 now) and really resent every aspect of it. Enjoy your freedom!

I think this is what has been interesting to me about having a child -- I had planned to stay childfree, in part as I grew up in an overcrowded, poor household with parents who should not have had anywhere near as many children as they had, and would have been far happier without. It looked like the opposite of fulfilling and worthwhile, while I did a lot of hands-on looking after the younger ones. (All my siblings have remained childfree.) Nothing I saw around me as I got older changed my mind on parenthood, despite my friends being clearly devoted parents.

However, when DH and I decided that it was something I wanted to try aged 40, and conceived immediately and had DS, I realised that while the drudgery of parenthood is obvious to anyone looking on (the nappy changing and nursery drop-offs and snotty noses and thrown food and tantrums in the frozen food aisle etc etc), the interesting stuff is pretty much invisible unless you're actually experiencing it, in the same way that any relationship isn't really experiencable unless you're inside it.

Which is why, of course, deciding whether or not to have a child is so difficult, because while you can borrow a child and do a bit of the drudgery, you can't really judge its impact when it's not temporary, and you can't experience the good stuff either, unless you actually have a child. It's not something you can rehearse or do a mock-up of.

If you're not someone who has always unthinkingly thought of parenthood as something you would naturally do, it's a momentous decision.

I genuinely think having children is incredibly over-rated. It's hell a lot of the time. Mine are adults now living their own lives but I know they are rightly very concerned about having their own children due to the increasingly bleak future we all face because of environmental damage. You can love your future children too much to ever subject them to that.

I have to say, that from where I’m standing, it doesn’t always look “worth it”. I’m at the age where my friends’ children are adults and some of them can be quite selfish and inconsiderate towards their parents. It looks like you don’t always get out what you put in.

Of course they can be the source of great joy but the other side of the coin is that they can also be the source of the greatest worry, heartache and heartbreak. The highest highs but the very lowest lows.

Assuming no additional needs, it will pass.

I remember sobbing one morning because one of them sneezed chewed up toast and milk over the only clean pair of trousers I had, after a tough night, while the other one tipped their own breakfast on to the carpet. Husband was away and I simply didn't have time to clean up properly before leaving. I ended up pulling yesterday's tights out of the laundry basket, wearing something totally mismatched to work and thinking all day about the mess waiting at home. I do remember thinking "what have I done, why God why??". But the day and the time for that sort of thing happening passed, nobody noticed or cared about my weird outfit at work, and yesterday they both made me plastic jewellery with WORLD'S BEST MUM on it.

It didn't always feel like it but it was worth it.

Don’t do it op. Everyday just trying to get ready to start work in the morning is a nightmare. Not even 8am yet and I’ve had 1 kid throwing food and another kid refuse to get dressed, scream and then accidentally kicked me in the eye while I was putting his trousers on.

Soooooo not worth it.

I do not wish I had not had children. My youngest was born when I was nearly 41, I had my eldest at 39. I do wish I had made different decisions when they were younger, but that is a different question.

I could take or leave kids tbh.

I don't regret having my son at all. He's made my life rich in ways I couldn't imagine before, but I couldn't imagine them before so if I didn't have him I wouldn't feel like I was missing out and likewise, my life may have been equally as rich in other ways because different opportunities present themselves.

I'm a very laid back person though and I just think whatever will be will be.

I said yes 100%, but I didn’t have family close, or a strong network of help, and I’m not at all laid-back! My DH was involved and supportive, and I did have quite a bit of social contact with other mums.

Like @2manyEnergyDrinks, I wish I could have had more.

Equally some people with children find it hard to accept that people without them can actually be content and happy with their lot even if they didn’t originally choose it, and don’t spend all their time wondering what could have been.

@Coldautumnmornings no for us it’s quite the opposite, no village at all to help just me and dh. Having my children was the best thing I’ve ever done and I would do it all over again if I could. In fact, I wish I could have had more if anything!
I think sometimes people find it hard to accept that someone can genuinely enjoy having children, even without lots of help, so they look for reasons why that person must somehow have it easier than them. It can feel like they need to explain away the fact that someone else is loving all aspects of parenthood (even the hard bits!), perhaps because it’s uncomfortable to acknowledge that they themselves didn’t enjoy it as much as they expected or felt they should.

All my friends who had kids before me talked about how wonderful it was. I didn't really hear any other narrative, and certainly never heard anyone talking about how they regretted it/ wouldn't have done it if they had had their time over etc.

I heard little about it TBH till I was pg then reletness negativity. MIL as worst she has awful labour and I now supect untreated pnd - she acted like our lives were over - though she coninuted to have very active socail life all DH childhood. The shear horror we'd have more than one. In fact I was euphoric after birth - pg as just uncomortable - didn't even get the baby blues.

It was a feminist blog. It is along the lines of how the 'patriarcy' have instilled in the minds of women and girls that giving up their very selves, desires, ambitions, potential for personal growth and free time to devote to children for decades is how you mark yourself out as a 'good' woman and mother.

There's a good section of the movement that seems postively hostile to mothers and women who choose to be mothers- as if they were given a choice and chose wrong.

It's the same idea posters who insist women can't possible be happy as mother's they must be stupid or brain washed.

Societies that do make them defintely choose between motherhood and carreers do have lower birth rates than ones that are even slightly more flexible - but even when they are resources and support also matter hugely.

Certainly it's not for every women and some do regret it and still find that hard to say and societies are making it ever harder but the insistance women who do enjoy it can't know their own minds - it's kind of insulting TBH.

Having said that I do think route OP is considering will be an extremely hard version of motherhood.

Yes to this. A friend adopted 2 kids thinking just loving them was enough; they both came with lots of trauma, one more than the other. It was/is extremely hard for her, oldest live out of the house and relies on social care so she has disconnected a bit for her own sanity; second one didn’t finish school, not sure what he is doing

Definitely, yes. They have enriched my life beyond words.

Yes, I would. My main regret is to not have them at least 5 years earlier. Once they're here, you want to be around as long as possible. I hope I make it to at least 90 but it's never guranteed!

However, it IS hard work. We have no family around so we have to make it work between my husband and I. Our relationship has suffered a lot. Our son is autistic and that comes with a lot of challenges, stress and worries. However, I know that the love for my children surpasses any other love. That in itself is worth the world.

What I'm getting from this is that we as a society really need to find a way of giving support to mums who have none!

I adore my teen children and they have enriched my life in every way possible. They make me happy in a way nothing else can and understand me like no-one else does, apart from my sister and my mum. Yes I have strong family support but I have also been a single parent and contrary to most people I loved it, my children fulfilled me. I appreciate I am very lucky that my children are easy going, thoughtful and kind.

Yes, I’ve loved being a mum most of the time but I’ve had easy, healthy children.

Working in a nursery I’ve seen many children with SEN needs, behavioural issues and health issues and their parents are having a much harder experience. I’m glad I had children before working there as I might have thought twice about having any due to the potential challenges that could happen.

I wonder if those saying yes 100% all have family close and a strong network of help and are quite laid back people.

My DH and I had no help whatsoever and both had to work. It has been relentless (that are now late teens) I also think it helps if you just allow yourself to enjoy them. I have been full of angst about most aspects of parenting, constantly overthinking and worrying. I am now worrying about their future and the world they will potentially bring their own children into given what is happening politically and environmentally. Given that, I would advise anyone not to bring a child into the world but make the world a better place for a child already born. Fooster, adopt,do charity work. All will be fulfilling.
I do love my children but I think about the bigger picture of whether it was the right thing to do.

The relentlessness and worry of having children is not easier than the wistful yearning of not having them.

You say you enjoy life as it is. What do you think adopting a child will do to enhance your life?

I couldn’t say I’d not have my kids if I could go back as I love them so much and now can’t imagine life without them. However, like others have said it’s a hard slog, of course there’s enjoyment too, but it’s a huge change putting someone else first all the time.

Love my kids so much but the newest climate science is not good amd I often feel very very guilty about their likely future. I think I’ve been selfish in having them.

Yes, there have been wonderful times and some tough ones which have challenged me and help me grow a lot as a person so I can be a better parent

I'm really sorry this has been your journey and of course you didn't have a choice over this. Agreed children can be useless, or actively unpleasant in some cases. And of course this is not the main reason to have kids, just it is a factor for me (and I'm going to do my best to raise pleasant, thoughtful, kind children, fingers crossed eh!).

My top advice in your situation is have friends of all ages (you may do) as the lonely ones all have friends the same age who end up dying/ too ill to be in contact. Having children and grandchildren is only one way of keeping us connected to younger generations.

Definitely. Some parents say they know they’d have led an equally fulfilling life without having kids, but I don’t believe I would have.

💯 yes. I am lucky to have a great career and lovely family and friends, so I think I would have experienced fulfilment if I had remained childfree. But, having children has been the best thing I’ve done. There are hard moments but, in the main, it’s just brilliant. I love being a mum far more than I could have imagined. I’d have started a bit earlier with the benefit of hindsight, so that we could have had a fourth.

I do accept that having an involved partner, financial stability and the ability to manage with minimal sleep have probably been factors in making the joy more accessible.