If you had your chance to start again, would you still have had kids?

I probably wouldn't.

I love my children beyond words. More than anything possible. That is part of the problem! I actually find it painful to love them so much. The thought of something happening to them is too awful. So, overall, loving them adds an extra layer of fear and pain to my life that I don't want. Sounds dramatic, but it's true.

Aside from that, there's the loss of freedom, loss of money, exhaustion, etc etc...

It is an interesting conundrum OP, I am also totally opposite to you. I never wanted children, found the whole process horrible and overwhelming to think about. We were at a pub at the weekend and it was literally FULL of babies and children, screeching and running about. Every single woman there seemed to have a child attached to her. I said to my DH that it made me realise how thankful I am that I never had children! There is another side to the coin.

Yes I would, I love my children so much. But it is HARD being a mum, way way harder than I imagined. And the worry! The absolute worry is destroying at times.

Absolutely 100% yes. I always knew I wanted children and I can't imagine my life without them.

Yes and I have three with special needs, it can be exhausting and hard at times, but very rewarding. I always wanted children though and I also work with children and enjoy my work, so I didn't ever feel like I was giving up my life to have them, this is the life I chose.

Depends on the day. 90% of the time, yes. Today, no. I want to crawl back into my bed and wake up in my 20's. I'm married by my DH works long hours so isn't around much so it's almost all on me. Would I choose to be a single parent after this experience - no.

I definitely would not. The sheer magnitude of the whole process plus the rest of your life being someone's parent...it's far, far simpler to never do it. The responsibility...it's huge in so many ways and it can often not work out anything like you think it will. I would love to not potentially have fucked 2 people's lives up too. Plus, environmentally we are absolutely screwed and I'd never want to bring a child into a future that's so bleak.

I’ll obviously preface this by saying I have kids and love them. But I love them so much sometimes I feel guilty I had them. I worry so much about what the world will look like in 40 years time for them. I worry about social media, what they may be exposed to, how it might shape them. I worry about global warming, house prices, AI. All of it. So it’s a hard question to answer but the guilt at the absolute state of the world now does give me pause.

I would also not recommend anyone to have kids unless they have money tbh. This is for the purpose of being able to support kids when needed. The NHS has let us down badly and we’ve needed to pay for private surgery and also extra private healthcare including private physio and private speech therapy. There just aren’t enough resources for kids.

No. Don't tell them.

I think being a single parent of an adopted child would be very full on and I'd only consider it if you have a strong support network. Adoption is an amazing thing to do for a child, but almost all children will come with lots of long term baggage to unpack.

I adore my children. Teen years are not fun, but I do worry about the state of the world they are in.

Yes, absolutely. My life is so much better because of them - yes, it's hard and relentless and pushes buttons I didn't even know existed, but seeing them grow up, learn and helping them be good people is amazing. I don't feel particularly maternal most of the time, but if I had my chance again, I'd still have them.

Nope . Much asi love them my life would've been a damn sight easier

No 🤚

I never imagined having children, but that changed when I met my DH. He wanted a family, and eventually we had twins.

Before I could even consider having children, certain conditions needed to be in place (monetary). We live very comfortably, and I am fortunate that married life has been smooth. Even so, I sometimes miss the freedom to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

No it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, though there are huge rewards and having children can, I think, potentially shape you into a less selfish and more compassionate person. I think I am a better person for having children, though I volunteer and work with them and would have done that regardless.

We have two with AuDHD. One is a joy but the other has significant MH issues and has quite literally come close to destroying our lives. If it were not for the one - who is the most loving and sweet natured person you could meet, and worked so hard to get through school and into uni - and the persistent, atom-deep hope that the other might one day recover/‘grow out of it’ (despite being 21 already), I’d definitely be in the Don’t Have Kids camp.

My husband is: when he talks to people battling with this, he often has to walk away/zip his lip when colleagues tear up at their childless state as he really just wants to scream at them that they are so lucky, because it has killed him and nearly broke us as a couple and family. He doesn’t of course, but he has found himself in a toilet cubicle in tears in response to such situations. Other than that, kids have not limited travel to exciting destinations or HIS career. Mine ended, though, as we had no local family and paid-for childcare doesn’t cover children with complex psychological and emotional needs. Had I been a single parent I’d have been in social housing and on benefits by the time my eldest was 7. And I desperately wanted kids all my life, from childhood. All I wanted was to be a mother and have a family. And we’re very comfortably off, so at least we’ve had that cushion.

If you don’t have/never had a deep burning desire to have kids or a person to co-parent with, I’d avoid it like the plague. I know that seems brutal, but it’s what I would tell anyone who is ambivalent.

I would, but this is a tentative ‘yes’ as I am not sure at all I’d have had two. It’s painful to write in a way as I love mine very much but I find the noise, conflict, arguments and split attention at home very difficult and extremely stressful and it has made me very unhappy.

Mine are mostly lovely alone but together I don’t much enjoy them and am only really happy when I’ve got one to one time with one child.

I had my children very late-I have no regrets about that, it’s how my life worked out and was a conscious choice and I wouldn’t want it any difference. If I had had a different life I MIGHT have had them a little earlier-I’ve got 2 and it would have been fun to have more. But I love the life I have now and had in the past so there’s that!

What do you hate so much about it?

Definitely. I was on the fence about children when I was younger but my time with my child is the best of my life. I took DC on holiday by myself last summer and it was one of the best holidays of my life.

However, my child is lovely and generally easy to parent, no special needs, my DH is supportive and we are financially stable.

Having said that, I know a single Mum of two who isn't well off and she'd also say having her kids was the best thing ever. I think she actually finds it easier without her ex and likes not having to compromise on anything or run things past anyone before making decisions!

It's luck really based on your personality and circumstances and what your child is like.

Yes 100%. I’d have one again. My dd is a mid teen now and I’ve loved being her mum.

Yes, I have two. They are very close. I wish I had had another, but I was mid and late 30s so then was considered a late started. I am fortunate though as they are both very kind, and easy going. They have grown into wonderful young adults whom I love spending time with. I would go back to any stage of childhood and do it all again. I was absolutely at my happiest when my DC were primary school age and both children and our parents were well.

Yes I absolutely would. There is nothing like it.

Mine is still little at the moment though so I haven't experienced the whole journey. Hopefully I will still say the same in 15 years.

It's harder than I expected, and the change to your life is absolutely momentous. Like - you will never be the same person again as you were before you had children.

It's difficult to understand how huge the life change is before you have them. I felt like no one had told me, but I realised they had - I just hadn't really been able to understand.

I knew it would be hard and a big change... but however big you imagine it will be... times that by ten.

Personally, I don't think I could have done it for an adopted child and in my 40's. In your position, I don't know if I'd go ahead.

But I had 5 years of fertility treatment to get my son, and I always knew I would not be able to adopt if it didn't work. I would have just had a happy childfree life.

Everyone is different though, and adoption is an absolutely incredible thing to do.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

I think this is one of those questions where at the end of the day only you know your own answer. Your circumstances, wants, goals, etc will be unique to you, so it makes zero odds that Mary from Colchester thinks it’s the best thing ever whilst Jane from Chester dreams of a life of holidays.

I know people who’ve adopted or IVF as lone parent and they adore it. I know people who wish they could pack it all in. I know people who longed for a child then realise the reality is hard. Others were indifferent but fell pregnant and it’s transformed their lives for the better… none of these should have any bearing on how you feel and what you choose to do.

Absolutely, in my circumstances. It’s the best thing I’ve done and even on the hard days I do not regret it at all. I could have been happy without a child, but I don’t think my previous life was as fulfilling as my life is now.

I would not have done it as a single parent, though. And adoption has many additional challenges to consider, which I don’t think I would have been able to handle as the child deserves.

No, if I’d realised I was signing up for a lifetime of worry, I wouldn’t have had them.

You think it will be easier when they grow up. But when they are adults you are helpless to do anything when they have normal difficulties and struggles - things like exam disappointments, heart break and health worries.

Then worrying when they go out at night or get into a car. I’m not even a particularly anxious person and my DS is a good kid!