If you had your chance to start again, would you still have had kids?

I would but then I always wanted them - but it's been harder than I thought and I really do not think I could have done it without DH as it would have been so much harder.

I've enjoyed being round them still even when they have their moments but I'm glad we didn't wait till we were in our 40s.

Yes, I would do it again. It’s a lot of work but even more joy.

Why would you say that? Are you so limited in imagination that you cant conceive that other people have had different experiences to you? Plenty of people have given thoughtful, articulate reasons why they'd do it differently and you assume they've come up with a carefully crafted lie? I can assure you that my response, as an SP to 2 ND teens of 'no' is honest. I love them and we have lovely moments but my life would have been easier and more personally fulfilling if I'd been free to pursue other things. For me, the 'trade off' has been too much. Maybe if it had been me who pissed off and only saw them 6 times a year I'd feel differently and think 'parenting ' was great.

I would say it’s not a minority. Latest studies have shown up to 14% regret having children. And it’s the trickiest thing, because you won’t actually know the reality of children until you have them.

I would say the true figure is probably higher than 14%, as it’s seen as such a shameful and taboo thing that a lot of parents can’t admit it even to themselves.

I only know a few mothers who say they wish they hadn't had their kids as it is very taboo thing to admit.

I suspect though for most it's more complex - they enjoyment aspects but end up on hard mode - being single parent or wishing the'd had them younger or with different dad or wishing they had more resouces money or support. I think most just wish it was a bit easier a few less demands from everyone at some points. The whole equation year on year is tilting more and more for many young people into it's not worth it categeory.

We'd have happily had more kids but poor maternal care in last pg and birth and money were huge barriers. Not sure we'd have as many if we were starting out now because economically it was really hard at points and I think in years since that has only got worse. I was heavily pg when banking crisis hit and it hurt us with redunacies if we'd been trying still then we'd have stopped and given what happen - our saving drained short term conratcts then DH working away for years - we'd likely only have two kids now.

MN does tend to be weirdly anti kids for a parenting site but I personlly think adopting as single parent past age of 40 is very different to motherhood I enjoyed and I'm not sure even though I've loved having kids I'd have even contemplated it as an option.

Its a tough question. I have 3 DC, a very supportive DH, when they were little loads of family support and enough money that I could be a SAHM when I wanted to (and go back to work when I wanted to).

Even so - no I wouldn't with a do-over. For me it wasn't the tough early years, I loved those, loved babies and toddlers and young children. The rot started for me in the teen years. One went very off the rails.

That was also when I realised that the saying you are only as happy as your unhappiest child is completely true. Living my own life was easy in comparison to watching them live theirs. Whilst one of my children is unhappy with mental health issues it is a constant blight in my life that I can't fix or influence much at all.

Yes but I only had one (by choice) and I think that makes a difference. We still have so much freedom, go on lots of holidays/travelling etc. One is an adventure, 2+ is a real lifestyle change according to all of my parent friends

Yes, because I felt like I needed a child. It wasnt a carefully weighed decision and despite finding it really hard it was absolutely right for me. Having said that, I stopped at one because I knew I'd be a worse mum to two, so it isn't easy.

But you do miss adult life for a long time. I thought the first few years would need my everything, and they did, but I hadn't anticipated the drain of constantly being needed for years in different ways. Once DC went to school I had loads of child free time, but it was all taken up with work or the stuff I can't do with a child needing me. You basically do all the stuff you do now but add in condensed working hours, school stuff, homework, clubs, parties, playdates, meals, lunchboxes, booking packing etc. Like imagine you actually followed through with the "perfect lifestyle" of working 5x days, making all food from scratch eating healthily and going to the gym everyday after work.... and then actually doing it for years.- its hard.

Tbh I'm glad LO will be an adult before I'm 60 so I can get back to cheap, out of term holidays that are restful. Love DC but I'd never really considered that they are full people who want to play all the time when all you want is to fly and flop with a book, and you just can't do it. Sure, you might have a lot of support, but you're never truly rested and yourself again for a long long time. 10 years doesn't sound a lot in numbers but it really is when you imagine fully the daily grind and reality.

I'd absolutely make the same choice but I had no idea how hard it would be.

@NewNewYork yes I got a bit of a lifestyle shock with my first child. I was expecting to give up nights out, take different holidays etc. but I guess it hadn't really sunk in that my child needed to be with me all the time. Go to the corner shop for milk - take your child. Nip to the postbox - take your child. Go to the loo - take your child! (and if it's a public loo, hope for a large cubicle)

I lost a teenage DC to suicide. In response their sibling went off to rails and is now in a very bad place with their MH and living on the edge, away from home and all the memories. The effect of this on me (single mum) has, to put it mildly, turned my whole world upside down.

I wish things were different. I know I will miss both DC for the rest of my life and yes, I sometimes think about different routes and decisions I could have made.

I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I wish they’d never been born. For the first fifteen or so years it was fantastic. We were a normal family for many years and then it just all fell off a cliff.

I’m so, so sorry @ChickenRunRunRun💐

Yes I would.

I had miscarriages in the double figures, completely unexplained until I had a random healthy and full term pregnancy after 9 years of trying. A couple of weeks before my 30th, I gave birth to my beautiful DD. I have honestly never been more content in my life (she was an easy baby, we got lucky!), I’d sit for hours staring at her, kissing her head, just loving her. DH always says he loved doing the 5am feed because the sun would be coming up (she was born late May) and it would just be him and DD cuddling, it’s a place I’ll go back to when I’m old and thinking about the “good old days”.

I had one more miscarriage after her then suddenly had another healthy, full term pregnancy and had my gorgeous DS who's now 1. When he was born, he wouldn’t take a deep breath, I held him for all of 10 seconds and they whisked him off to resus table to give oxygen and support for 45 minutes. I was stuck in bed, crying and convinced I’d “pushed my luck” and that he would die. As a result, I have had post partum depression and I’m only really now coming out the other side, slowly. He is a typical baby, woke every 2 hours wailing for milk, he was in and out of hospital for chest infections (I think we had 4 3 night admissions in the first 9 months of him being here) and he’s the complete opposite to DD, he is very on the go, chaotic and cheeky but my god, the deep love I thought would never come in the depths of PPD hit me a couple of months ago and he lights up my world.

My life is so much better with my children in it, I had a horrible childhood and it’s incredibly healing to be the Mother I never had. I also have an amazing DH, who is supportive, hands on, adores me and the children and I love our little unit so much.

There are hard days, DD is now 3 and the tantrums come in thick and fast, DS wants to pull out every cupboard/drawer at all times and our home is overrun by toys but I have to ground myself and remember that the girl who gave up hope of ever being a mum after suffering so much loss, prayed for this life and I will always be incredibly grateful.

This made me cry.
I'm so happy for you. Your children are incredibly lucky to have you as their mum x

I would just have one child is I had my time again
Parenting has become relentless , whilst I love all my kids raising them has been the biggest thing that’s affected my mental health .
I also wouldn’t marry either .

I couldn’t imagine a life where I haven’t kids. It isn’t always easy but the love that forms once you become a mother is something you can’t even fathom

Yes in fact if I had my time over I’d have more children.

That said there’s definitely more to life than having kids.

@ChickenRunRunRun I’m so sorry

Yes. I wish id met my partner sooner so we could have had more children. We loved life before our kids and we love life even more after. It is the best thing in life to love and raise children.

For you maybe. For those of us who can’t have children, we can find other things that make life worth living.

100% yes. Having children is SO hard but they are so incredibly rewarding (in my experience) and I couldn’t live without them.

To me, freedom and meals out and holidays are scant alternatives to the overwhelming love and pride I feel for my children every single day. They make me belly laugh, they make me cry, they make me furious but they make me so so happy and I would have them 100 times over even in the hard times.

And I’ve been a single mother since my youngest was a tiny baby and still would change nothing at all

No. I love them and would do anything for them but my life before them was exquisite. It’s fine now. Financially very comfortable and loads of help but it is such a grind. I wonder at people who say they can’t imagine life without their children. I don’t need to imagine; I remember it and it was infinitely better.

Hormones kicked in badly around 40. Last minute urge to procreate. Bloody glad I didn't have another. Fucking knackered parenting and had had enough already by the time youngest was 17. I really could not be doing with another two years of school.

Would I do it again? It's hard work. I would still want two I think. Would have started younger by a couple of years of possible. Nearly delayed having number 2. Glad I didn't in the end as they would have missed out on transitions due to covid.

It's bloody hard work parenting in your 30s-50s.

Yes but possibly not over a 20 year span

Well yes, for those in your circumstances that may be the case. I'm simply answering OPs question if having a family is all its cacked up to be. For me, it is everything I had hoped and more.