To ask for advice re private school dispute

In case the ex insists he’ll pay the fees then doesn’t or forges a signature. It’s better the school have advance warning so that they can be aware of the situation.

I wouldn't but of course OP can do it.

please ignore, posted on wrong thread

Agree with PP this is extremely concerning behaviour and indicative of control / abuse. Unless there is a backstory that you have only one toilet and he has IBS and genuinely needs frequent access with no warning. It doesn't sound like this is the case given he is suspicious of what you're doing in there, it sounds more like possessive/ control that he can't stand that you might have some time alone that he can't control. He can't give you an answer why he needs this as there isn't a reasonable one.

You say you could ‘scrimp and save’ to afford your half of the cost, @Cicchetti - could you explain this to your dd? Tell her you could only afford it if you and she could no longer do X, Y and Z. Be practical - tell her it would bean a long term worsening of your and her day to day standard of living - maybe she would understand that you aren’t opposing private school just to be stubborn, but because you really can’t afford it.

I don’t think they would, in OP’s situation. My point wasn’t that OP would be made to pay, or that it was even likely that they would compel her to. My point is that a court can indeed compel a parent to.

If the court were inclined to, they would do what they do in all case of private school fee disputes - look at the finances of each parent, and decide what a reasonable contribution would be.

Ah. a classics move from the narc ex husband playbook.
He has grandiose ideas via the child.
He programmes the child to agree (child quickly learns the right responses to avoid triggering father reactions).
He says he will do it all, you just need to let the child have this wonderful opportunity
Then he finds it is too expensive because he wants his money for other things (for.him - usually a new car or bigger house).
Then he puts the screws on you, working on how unhappy YOU will make your child if YOU don't make this thing your child wants happen.
Congratulations! You are now the bad guy.

Definitely don’t go to open days, you don’t want to engage in this process in any way. It sounds like you have already explained to your child that you can’t afford private, I would reinforce this then stop having the conversation. I have mediated a number of disputes around school choices, you cannot be forced to pay school fees just because your ex thinks you should, he sounds totally delusional.

I completely, utterly second this. Not only will that leave you with responsible for fees you can't afford, but somehow you will be the evil parent who uproots their kids from their much loved friends and teachers...

I was going to say this. If your child does end up going to private school, the ex husband will need to pay all the fees in advance (there are usually schemes to do this).

Nothing wrong with private schools, my child attends a nursery that feeds into one and will be attending when the time comes, husband and I both went to one too.

Regarding taking you to court, they will laugh him away. One of our relatives went through a divorce, and they court ruled that the children had to be removed from their private school as the mum couldn’t afford it, even though dad could and was happy to keep paying the full amount as he had always paid it himself. Court said no. Kids were pulled out and that was that. If you can’t afford it, there’s no argument and no court even if you COULD afford it would take something so trivial so seriously.

He also needs to commit to paying her fees for the years going forward. If this does happen and he is going to pay 100% of the fees make it very clear to the school that you personally have no financial commitment and get it in writing when/if she is enrolled at the school. You never know what will happen in the future but if you don't get this understood and in writing from the off then if he defaults on payment then they can come after you for it, you would be 'jointly and severally liable'. I speak from bitter family experience!

I went to public school, can easily afford it for my kids and yet am still considering if they would be better off in a state or grammar school. There is no way without exceptional circumstances it is worth huge financial pain to send your kid. Also - it sounds like if he cared that much he could pay for it but he is not. I would not be afraid to make the point.

Does your child understand that her Dad came out financially better off so this would be a stretch for you @Cicchetti ? You don’t have to and shouldn’t be trying to turn her against him but she is old enough to understand financial consequences of divorce.

You are surrounded by good schools. Why would you want to send her to a private one . You can use the saved money for so many lovely things. Tell her that and that you cant afford it and then dont bother to speak about it again. If she brings it up dont engage further except to say you know the reason.
What a horrible man your ex is. I dont imagine he really cares a jot about her attending a private school he is just trying to get one over on you.

Of course you should go and not weird at all to bring your husband, he's your DD's step dad and your life partner, he's involved. And being at the Open Days is vital - who knows what ExDH will be promising your DD otherwise! Are all DD's friends going to the same Outstanding school? That will be a big part of how DD feels about things I think. Hold firm. Good luck.

It is half your decision, wanting you to pay half when you don't want it is just crazy- I wouldn't go to open days thpough , it is just building up an expectation you will agree.

People seem to be getting bogged down in all sorts of arguments. Bottom line is you can't afford it. Tell your daughter this. You may have spare money for holidays, school trips, clubs, tutoring etc but you won't if you're paying school fees. I have taught in both sectors and they both have advantages and disadvantages. I would say if you have a really good comp or grammar school that that is possibly the better choice in fact for various reasons I can't be bothered to go into here.
It may also be worth actually doing the sums for your ex. Do the fees for 5 years with a built in yearly increase. Look at the uniform costs which are often high and any other bits you can find on the website that you have to include. My last job was in a private school where the parents had to pay for each GCSE exam entry too etc etc. it may be that he can't actually afford it either...

If I were you I’d attend the private schools open days. I’d also insist he attends the public schools open day too.
if it’s so important to him that DC goes to private, and I assume you like the school too, he should be paying 100% of the fee. You’ve done your bit for ensuring your child has access to a good school by moving house.
As a side question- are the private schools he’s looking at an acceptable distance for your child?
I can’t see how a court can rule you to pay for private schooling; all this would do is waste money on lawyers.

@Loulou4022
And it wouldnt just be the school fees either would it?
There'd be summer/winter uniforms from selected specialist shops,
Sports kits
Plus other things i wouldnt even begin to know about

No don’t go , you have no intention of sending your child so it’s pointless.

I dont understand why people are telling you to go to the open days.
You are not paying because you cannot afford to ,you are not interested in that type of education , you have sourced excellent schools and you are not playing your ex husbands game.
So why go?

Unless you really do want a private education for your daughter.
Maybe????

It’s because people on this website are really weird about private schools

No court is going to force anyone to pay for private school.

Don't ever sign anything this man gives to you or sends you. If he signs a contract with the school, it will be on him alone to pay. Make sure you know which school and be very clear to them that if he signs your name it will be a forgery.

Yes, you pay the term in advance usually, but also have to give a term's notice if the child is leaving.

I have just realised you posted above that this is your actual husband, not an ex? Why? Separate your finances from him pronto to regain some control.