To ask for advice re private school dispute

Sorry, I meant schemes where you pay the whole 7 years of fees upfront - there is usually a small discount for doing so.

Warning about full fees up front (although if ex is paying...) if the school goes out of business, you lose the lot or if it changes hands and the ethos/standards change you have to go to court and fight for your money. I've seen this happen at an independent school I worked at.

He’ll do this anyway. Don’t play his game.

He is orchestrating the whole thing to exert control and emotional abuse. School is one of the few ways he has to do this - he’s running out of opportunities as she gets older and smarter.

Unless he is fantastically wealthy and is likely to pay all the fees without even asking you then this whole thing will disintegrate in time. You going to open days with them gives credibility to him and his game.

Also, how is he able to badger, insult and terrorise you? Time to shut that down with an app for essentials of shared custody or comms via a third party so he has zero chance to communicate with you about any anything except the logistics of handovers, holidays, etc.

Cut off his oxygen.

This is not about which type of school is or is not better. This is about control. Don’t mistake the two issues.

I’m not sure if my post registered on here yesterday as it was extremely long.
Have you been able to look up the open evening dates for all of the local schools in your area? In our area they are throughout September and October and we visited all the ones we wanted to include on the local authority form. If you are looking at the grammar school then there are additional rules that apply also. What year is your child in now sorry if this has already been asked?

Attending the open days indicates that you are considering the option. Tbh in your case I wouldn't, because the only circumstance under which your DD will go there will be if a court order is forced through to say she must go there (with your Ex paying full fees as if wouldn't be reasonable for a court to force you to pay for something unnecessary that you are opposed to). IF such a court order is granted, any private school will be happy to facilitate a personal visit and tour where you can see everything you would have seen at the open day and ask any questions you have.

Attending a private school open day is like doing a home visit to the birth home of a kitten or puppy you are considering. In the case of a pet you have to remember that of course the potential pet is heartbreakingly and overwhelmingly cute and loveable and you have to ignore that and focus on the practical and reasonable things that you have to check for. At a school - of course the facilities and environment are going to seem wonderfully and overwhelmingly better than what you'd see at most state schools but that's not the issue, you already know that there are dozens of reasons not to choose private schooling and you aren't going to be able to evaluate those at an open day.

I understand why you want to go on the private school tours, but I think you should reconsider.

It would put your DD under a lot of pressure to have her shit of a father saying what a great school it was and asking her if she wants to go, while you say that she can't as you can't afford it.

And how about the chats with teachers - he's sure to raise the point that you're against the school with them, and are they supposed to try to persuade you?

He will be spinning his private school stories to your DD when she's with him, not just during the school visit, you can't control what he says, but you can calmly point out to her that you don't have the money to pay the fees, that she'll be going to a very good local school where she'll make friends etc etc.

You can tell her that Daddy is being a bit silly, as he knows you can't afford the fees, so unless he pays for them all, she won't be able to go.

If he says he'll pay all for first year, as PPs have advised, don't accept this, insist that he pays the lot upfront, and you can tell your DD he needs to do this so that she doesn't need to change school in case he can only pay 50% in second year, as you won't be able to pay.

Your daughter will your understand that her father is more focused on scoring off you, and that the school is for him, not for her.

My DSs father wasn't as awful as your ex, but my DS certainly had his measure by 14, and stopped putting himself out to be available whenever suited his father - and stopped spending every second Christmas with him and his girlfriend and their kids, as he just didn't want to.

I know it seems like it will last forever, but I hadn't seen DSs father in person for about 3 years before DSs uni graduation, where we were civil but it was fantastic to leave him after the lunch to meet up with DSs friends and their parents in the pub!

Having attended a private school myself and having considered one for my DD, the fees are the least of the costs involved.
We were offered a 40% bursary for DD but that only covered the tuition fees. Book rental, compulsory school lunches (no packed lunches allowed), art materials, music fees, IT fees and other costs were not elegible for the bursary. Add on transport and uniform (very specific) and, even with a bursary, we couldn't afford it without sacrificing all holidays and me working full-time which due to DH's job at the time would have meant we never had any family time.
There are also the expensive trips. My friend's DC go to the school I attended and this summer they were thousands of miles away on a sports trip. There have also been trips to WW1 battlefields and European cities. My niece attended a different private school for the final two years of her schooling and although she didn't go on either of the trips, trips to Japan and Kenya were mentioned.
OP, my fear would be that if you agree to pay 50% of the fees, you would then be screwed by your ex to pay all the ancillary costs and be blackmailed into paying for expensive trips to avoid your DD missing out.

The school I went to is very academic and always one of the top schools in Scotland for exam results. I was never top of the class or anywhere near it, but there was a lot of pressure on us academically and I found that really tough.

I don't think you can do that any more due to the VAT. My friend wanted to do it using inheritance and was told they can't now.

This is why even if he did say he would pay all the tuition fees, your costs would still be enormous. The price of the ski trips, trips to Iceland or the US, and the additional music lessons etc would be down to you because you are “too mean” to pay the school fees. Yes, she won’t have to go on these trips but most of her friends will be on them and the peer pressure will be huge. She will also be in competition academically with ex’s gf’s children. It’s setting her up for all kinds of comparisons.
Going to the open days for all the schools is definitely a good idea. You can see what your daughter is attracted to and emphasise the good points of the schools you like, and you can also counteract some of your ex’s comments. It also means if he doesn’t attend the state open days that it is he who they appears closed minded.

He is trying to financially control you. Speak to solicitor fore advice

My son’s school does this - they just include the VAT.

Well if that’s the case, it would serve you well for him to take it to court. He’d be told
ro wind his neck in, and that would be the end of it.

"He has also threatened to take me to court to force our child to attend private school"

I'd love to know which part of the various education acts passed by parliament he plans to prosecute you under ?

Let him take you to court. They can’t force you to pay for something like that .
Enroll child in a state school. If dad wants private, he can pay all costs. I’d get that in writing