To ask for advice re private school dispute

Going to open days says you are willing to e terrain the idea. The only way you can go is if you make it absolutely clear that you are not contributing financially. My kids went to private schools because my son didn’t get into the nearest three (excellent) state schools and when we moved the schools were dire. And we could afford it.

This. It is a huge financial committment over years. If you can't afford it, say so and stick to it.

I would call the school and tell them that you and your ex disagree over the situation, can you please have a visit without your child to see the school for yourself?

Then you aren’t letting your child or ex think you might go along with the idea, but you have more information about it all.

Do not go to the open days. That would send such mixed messages to your child. They can’t go, simple as

You need to be very careful with this. Someone who works for me had this happen to her. Her ex campaigned for their dd to go to private secondary school. He really sold it to their daughter and took her to an open day on one of his weekends, showed her how amazing it was. She loved horses and the school has private horse riding lessons. He did the whole Disney dad thing, said he would pay for it etc. She kept saying no because like you lived in an area with a good state secondary school. In the end, he took her to court and the court ruled in his favour. What was key is they spoke to the child who of course said how amazing the school was and how she loved horses and everyone concluded what a great opportunity it was for her (!).

I was absolutely gobsmacked that this could happen but please do not be complacent. If I was you, I would get a lawyer now!

Btw of course the minute he won, he told her she had to contribute. She said no and the daughter was so upset, she went to live with the dad. It was such an awful situation.

How people can be so manipulative with their own child is beyond me.

@ZiggerZag the difference there is he said he would pay, the court would not have compelled the mum to contribute to an educational option she does not want unless there was an overwhelming reason why the child should be at that school (I mean beyond “smaller class sizes and fancy boaters”, it would need to be some specific reason why only that school would do).

I wouldn’t go. It’s like taking a kid to look at puppies and then not buying one - you’re asking for trouble and the facilities will massively outshine any state school.

If you’re anti private school regardless of money why would you go to the open day! It suggests your mind could be changed.

I would say to your ex ‘If I won the lottery I wouldn’t want him going to private school. So if you want him to go you pay for the entirety. Do not come to me for half.’

I would keep the ideology out of it completely, as it then becOmes a debate and your daughter may think she can win you over.

If it’s not affordable then there’s no debate. Just be matter of fact about it. I wouldn’t even admit that you could make it work with scrimping and saving, just say you can’t afford it - this isn’t even something you want for her or something she seems to have a need for so it would be ridiculous to put yourself under financial strain for it.

Unless he will stand there and admit he's happy to pay the full fees until your child is 18, there's absolutely no point in any of you going to the open days.

I think the school would need both parents to sign the contract agreeing to pay the fees so I would think carefully before going along with this if you don’t agree.

Do NOT go to open days.

Obviously the facilities are far better because they have much more money than state schools. Taking her to see them and enrolling her in a state school is "This Is What You Could Have Won."

It's just mean.

There's no point showing her any of it if it's a definite No from you.

I agree with you, but I can't deny the local private school has amazing sports and language facilities compared to the local state school. Our kids had swimming lessons there on weekends and it was a real eye opener. How the other half live...

This, why on earth would you attend when you have made it perfectly clear this is not an option.

I would be considering sending a letter via a solicitor stating that you desire for her to go to the local secondary school and will be completing the standard transfer forms at the appropriate time, also that you will not be contributing to any private school fees. Do not attend open days as it mixes the message. I’m not sure if a court has actually been involved in such a case but hopefully a letter from a solicitor will suffice

Why? If you don't want your child to attend or pay the fees?

Let him take you to court.

It would be hilarious. Does he think you will be forced to pay school fees?

What a deluded idiot.

Court can't order you to pay what so ever - most parents simply don't have that kind of money.

What is the split of your and your ex-husband's finances post divorce?

As other posters have said, he cannot force you to pay towards your daughter's private school fees. You also have the added advantage of living in the catchment area of an Ofsted Outstanding secondary school so he cannot argue that your daughter will be educationally disadvantaged by not attending a private school.

Only about 7% of children in the UK attend private schools so your husband is the outlier here, not you.

If your ex-husband offered to pay the private school fees in full, would you agree to her attending your husband's choice of school?

You take her to the open evening for the local outstanding one.
Presumably many of her friends will be going there.
You don't go to the private school visits.
You tell your ex to do one.

He can ask the court to make the decision re school if you can't agree, and the court would listen to the advantages and disadvantages of both options.

The court would never force you to pay fees, particularly when there is an outstanding free alternative, so private school would have to be on the basis of him paying. You should ask that he demonstrate that he can afford to pay the full fees himself for the duration of her schooling. If there's a risk he can't then there's a strong argument it isn't in her best interests due to the social and educational impact of having to change school part way through.

I wouldn’t go to the private open days at all. I’d keep gently repeating to your child that you can’t afford to pay half the fees so it’s not an option. Can you attend the grammar and outstanding state open days though as balance? What year is she currently?

id also look into resources around arming her against him. You dont have to badmouth him but you also dont have to say nothing at all.

I think I’d also see a solicitor just to get some advice on the situation as, while he couldn’t force you to pay half, he could (I believe) force you to send her private with him paying 100% then when she was settled (or even at a key point such as during gcse’s), he could say he can no longer pay and leave you between a rock and hard place of paying or see your dd suffer.

Right, but was he paying for it all? in that case fair enough. It probably would have been a better choice in a lot of cases.

But I really, really doubt a parent could be forced by a court to pay half the fees.

Of course court can order people to pay, and as I said upthread I know of several cases where that happened.

I used to work in private school admissions and admin, and we had several kids there where there was a court order compelling one parent to pay the fees and we adjusted our contracts to reflect that only one of them had financial liability.

But in every case that I know of that parent could clearly comfortably afford the fees AND the parents had previously agreed on private school and the kids had already started that route, and the court decided they should stay in that system as moving would be disruptive.