To ask for advice re private school dispute

Go. Don't go. It can be argued either way.

Why - OP doesn't want to pay fees. It's not an option. The child will se that approach as a yes to private education.

I see no reason to join if you won't pay private fees.

Don’t go to the open days, say ‘no’ once. Talk to him as little as possible.

@Cicchetti
Wow! There goes the wrong sort of seeing and doing right there
Don't see how he could make you go halves on the fees if you've made your intentions obvious from the get-go
So do your research on your local schools
My daughter ended up at the London School of Economics and passing with honours after she'd attended our local brilliantly-run state girls secondary school so
If your Sons smart he will buckle down and achieve great things
You're a great mum
Happily remarried and now getting the support you'd like
So check things out like you're intending to and do so locally school-wise as well
I used to ask everyone who was friendly i'd meet and especially other mums I'd see out on my daily routines
Good luck!
Also
Has anyone actually asked your Son what he wants/would like?

Yes, they can. Even if one parent disagrees with private schooling, a judge can issue an order to allow it. The judge can also decide whether it’s reasonable for the objecting parent to make a contribution (not necessarily 50%) and compel them to do so.

Divorce is different, its a settlement

Family courts which decide on S8 matters, wont compel a parent to pay for something.

Don't engage with him on it. He cannot force you to pay half the fees. A court will not force you to do so.

Talk to your daughter and explain that you cannot pay the fees so it is not an option for her to go there even if it is a lovely school. Explain that it is important to be financially secure, to be saving for her future university fees and for your retirement as well as being able to afford hobbies and holidays now.

She isn't tiny, she knows some people have more money than others. She may even be relieved that you have a clear sensible reason why you won't send her there despite what her father is drip feeding - that it is not because you don't care but because of money. That may well be quite reassuring.

The state, judge or law can't force OP to fork out money on private education if she hasn't signed the child up for private education and her child hasn't attended priate education.

You are bonkers to think OP can be forced pay 50% of private fees only becsuse her ex wants it.

By going to the open days you are showing him and your child the at you are willing to consider it. Be very clear with your child that you cannot afford private and don’t attend the open days.

They're private family court matters. Any parent can make an application to ask the court to make a determination about an area of parenting that the parents cannot agree on, schooling is one such. Medical interventions, holidays, moving abroad, many other issues

it would be heard in court.

What would not happen, is that in the event of the court determining the child should go to the private school, that the OP be made to pay. It would be father's application and father's choice.

So that I knew what the competition looked like. Then when DD goes to an open day with her dad and comes back talking about (eg) the swimming pool I have seen it for myself and can point out that it’s no better than the one at the gym. For example.

It's a no - no matter what the competion is. I wouldn't engage with open days to point a no out. A pool at the school is way nicer than the gym. You won't win that talk I guess.

If you read my post, you would have seen I addressed that:

“The judge can also decide whether it’s reasonable for the objecting parent to make a contribution (not necessarily 50%) and compel them to do so.”

As the above poster said, this is a private family court matter. It is highly unlikely that they would compel the objecting parent to contribute, but it is within their remit to do so. In the vast majority of cases the parent wanting their child to attend private school would be the one responsible for funding it.

How would a court enforce OP to pay in her situation?

I simply don't think OP would ever find herself in that situation that a court orders her to pay a single penny to private education against her will.

I would actually be quite sneaky about this. How about writing to the private school in question explaining the situation and stating clearly that you don’t have the means to pay half the fees and therefore you cannot give consent for your DD to ever attend this school?

Yes, go - with an open mind.

If he is going to contribute heavily, lots of people would envy your position.

This needs to be about finding the best school for your dc, not winning one over your ex.

Why the faff? Just don't sign any paperwork.

No a lot of people wouldn't envy to pay 50% of private education. It's a very large sum.

You are right: a lot wouldn't. But a lot would.

If she doesn't visit, she doesn't even know what she is saying she doesn't like.

I understand the affordability aspect, but if she finds she agrees with the choice but still cannot pay, the DD is keen, it may be the ex agrees to a further subsidy.

But just not looking achieves not much imo.

As you have parental responsibility, you have a say in deciding what school your child goes to. He can take you to court but what is his argument? An Outstanding school is good enough, so unless your daughter has some special needs that can only be met at a private school he has no leg to stand on.

Why not try to agree with him to try local school and then decide if its not suitable? There are some benefits of going private but if your DD thrives at local school the money can be saved for her university later.

It doesn't really change the fees. If OP can't pay or won't pay she has no reason to interact with the school. At all.
She isn't likely to get a 50% bursery or scholarship after the VAT.
OP is happy with state school. She shouldn't engage in the nonsens about private education.

If the dad will commit to a upfront trust for private school with a 100% pay she should consider it. But is it likely? Doesn't sounds like it.