To ask for advice re private school dispute

Right….but they can go to a school. They can go on a holiday. Unless the argument here is that more expensive things are always better?

that would be a very materialistic way of looking at things, and not one I’d agree with.

Just say no and stand firm.

Don't go to the open days as it implies compliance. Explain that all schools have good and bad sides and why you think the state school is great. Tell her you moved to be in catchment of this school. Where are her friends going? How far is the private school (travel to /from and weekends with peers will be easy/difficult?)

Your ex needs to understand there are private schools and private schools.

There are very good ones. And fees are high. And they are often well known.
There are middling ones that are okay. But excellent state schools if nearby will give them a run for their money.

Then there are the ones to appeal to aspirational parents who simply want to be able to say their child goes to a private school. And the schools exploit that to the hilt. But the standard of education will not be that great at all.

You know the schools in your area. And need to look at the private ones he is suggesting or looking at. Paying half the fees will be the bare minimum of costs to meet. Does he realise that ?

Absolutely do not attend the open days or commit to this. I say this as a private school governor. For a host of reasons, school fees are currently rising rapidly, and unless you can comfortably afford it now (not via scrimping) you will murder yourself to keep him sweet. Be honest with your daughter - some people like dad think private schools are best, but really, only 6% of children go to them. There are perfectly good state schools open to you, and we can use the money I save on hobbies and some really great holidays. That should do it.

Your ex-husband cannot force you to pay half the fees. Perhaps your child will get a scholarship. Let him have the chance to go there if he is eligible and passes the entrance requirements. He may well like the school, if not doesn't have to stay there.

I am sure most children would be privately educated and having long haul holidays money not being an issue.

6% are in private schools. OPs daughter will do fine.

Yes but if (for example) the dad quits his job and can no longer afford the school fees then the court can’t make him magic up the money. If the OP agrees to private school on the basis that ex will pay, and he then stops paying, she and her daughter are left in a very tricky situation.

So your examples aren't relevant to the OP as this is not about keeping her dc in a school that she is already attending.

Can you actually afford the fees? If it’s a no then why go to the open days at all?
I think you should stick to your guns. Forget the open days. Because then you are inviting more and more him to say, well you went to the open days, you are getting your child to think you are open to it and really these actions say that you are considering it as an option.
if you don’t agree with the private school then hold firm and don’t go to the open days, say you can’t afford it.
if he ends up paying the full fees and your child enrolls you can arrange a private tour and discussion with the school.

Sorry OP but it sounds like his control tactics are working as you’ve moved from ‘I don’t support it and can’t fund it’ to ‘Could it work?’ In one post.

Whether or not private school is beneficial for children is not the issue here. It’s just his latest red herring.

If you cannot afford half then there is no point considering it. He can go to all the courts he wants but no one can force you to pay half the fees. It sounds like he cannot afford the full fees on his own so this is all about either exerting control over you or setting you up to be the bad guy - a win-win for him.

I wouldn’t be going to any open days. Let him spin his wheels and feel uncomfortable when he cannot afford to deliver. Put your DD down for the great state school and then forget about him and his nonsense. Your DD will start to see him for what he is soon if not already.

Every day you’re one step closer to needing less contact with him. Tune him out as much as can.

Given how many women on here struggle to get money out of their ex's for basically anything, I doubt he can force you to pay for private school.

Spell it out to your child quite literally when they're old enough to have a conversation.

"It would cost me £12,000 a year to send you to private school. If I did that, we wouldn't ever afford to go on holiday or do other nice things and we wouldn't afford to live in this house. Your Dad and I disagree about this, but we disagree on lots of things and that's why we got divorced. We both love you and want the best for you, though. We just sometimes have a clash of opinions about that."

"Only 7% of people in this country go to private school, 93% don't. I think it's better that you get to know and spend time with the 93% because I think it will be better knowing how to get on with all kinds of people in life, not just rich ones."

"I didn't go to private school and I'm very happy with how my life turned out." (if that's true, obviously.) "I went to Oak Manor academy. Would you like to see some photos of me from that time and some of my old school reports?"

Any chance the open days are on your time with her so you can have something lovely planned for those days?? 😶

Be honest with your child. Tell them you would be happy for them to go to private school if that is their choice and their father is able to fund it. Realistically you are looking at 20k per year if you are paying half - including uniform, transport and school trips. Tell them this. And show them how much you earn and how much needs to go to a mortgage, pension, household expenses.

don’t let yourself be the bad guy. If they want to go private - their father needs to fund it as this was his idea. End of story.

Your ex sounds very nasty and I would be wary of him stopping payment and forcing you to pay 100%.

Even if you had the money, no court would force you to pay.

Going to the private school open days is a waste of your time if you’re not paying. By attending, you could be creating a stick that he could beat you with. “You’ve seen how great the school is - give me a good reason why you wouldn’t pay 50% for your DD’s education”

Just say 'I cant afford it' end of story,hell have to pay for it all

Surely your ideological notions are completely irrelevant if the fees are beyond your means? That's all you need to say to your ex and your dd.
No court in the land will force you to pay school fee whether you can afford them or not.

I gave the examples because the discussion was about whether a court would ever order school fees to be paid, and these are the circumstances in which I have known of courts ordering that somebody pay the fees.

It seemed to me that the OP was looking to understand the risks/legal realities here and so I was giving her more information.

I mean nobody can FORCE you to pay half and he can’t MAKE you agree to anything

The judge is likely to laugh this out if court and I’m not sure if they’d send someone to speak to your child (out of court) for their opinions??? My sons friends parents are separated they had a huge argument about access and activities and they sent a social worker to school to speak to the child and he was about 10-11 (year 6)

he sounds vile sorry you’re dealing with this.

The way to get around this would be to insist on funds in a separate trust account legally tied to school place.

I suspect many men like this see weaponising children as an easy option to get a reaction from their exes. What a coward is he.

It’s great that you have a supportive DH. Have you also had therapy? I imagine there are lots of good books on minimising the impact of abusive and narcissistic exes. Hoping someone will come along with a recommendation. 🪷

I agree with this. Speak to a solicitor about stopping this whole private school thing dead now. Before school viewings