To ask for advice re private school dispute

The bloody cheek of him not only trying to bulldoze the choice of school but "make" you pay half. It's unlikely he would get a court to order private school without clear reasons and extremely unlikely the court would order you to pay anything especially as this would be very tight financially and given that you don't want to!

Personally I only know one instance where court ordered private school and it was due to very specific circumstances/reasons. My friend had a really difficult ex. He was a company owner and rolling in it but could arrange the paperwork to look like he earned next to nothing. His refusal to pay maintenance was motivated by him wanting complete control over how friend spent it and was wound up by the idea that she'd use it all for hair, nails and wine (that old chestnut).His "case" was that he would be willing to pay 50% private school fees instead. Of course he thought this was a cunning plan to force friend into paying the other 50% thus also controlling how she spent her own more limited income. Friend planned to fight this but then to her surprise secured a 50% bursary offer from the school on the grounds of the child's dyslexia. So she aquiseced to the application on the basis that the bursary should be considered "her" contribution. The court agreed and ordered the ex to pay the other 50%. He was hopping mad as really it was all about control but he was stuck with it. Served him right. (Sorry that was a massive digression but thought it was a satisfying story to share. )

Don’t attend the open days. I also suggest consulting a solicitor, and threatening to challenge your ex husband in court. The court will rule with what your daughter will be comfortable with but he’d have to argue that he’d pay the whole amount - possibly up front - for the court to have any prospect of ruling with him.

They can't.
Most parents can'tpsay private fees. Only 6% children attend private schools. It's a luxury. Not a choice for most families.

I think you’d need to raise this as part of the case, risk he’d stop paying - and at that point no state school place - so your lawyer would have to argue that he’d have to pay the whole lot up front.

The problem is if you agree to the child attending and signing the school contract they will come after you for any paid fees.

Be clear with your child that you can afford the fees so cannot agree to them attending in case Daddy doesn’t pay them.

He sounds so nasty that this could be his plan - suddenly stop earning money etc just to screw you over.

So strange to see people saying that a court can’t order somebody to pay fees. Of course they can, and this is an Order that you see fairly often in divorces involving one wealthy partner. They can order people to make all kinds of payments and financial arrangements (child support beyond CMS, spousal maintenance, hand over assets etc).

The point is that they won’t order somebody to pay for something they can’t reasonably afford.

Let him be angry and resentful.

My ex husband was the same. Our son is 23 now, and hasn’t gone down a path in life that my ex would have wanted him to.

And still, I got the comment “you should have used all the money I gave you* to send him to private school. Then he wouldn’t be like this.”

*maintenance. That he held over my head for a decade. I should have spent it on private school fees, rather than buying booze and living the high life on it, eh? 🙄

Hes going to hate you for as long as he lives. It will eat him up. It’s doesn’t end when they are 18, there are lots of reasons you may still need to communicate, and even if you don’t, they will still try to get at you through your adult child. Let him get on with being bitter.

You will have to build your relation with her reminding her that private is a luxury for few families and her dad is bonkers. Even teenagers understand this. Her friends will most likely attend state too.

I wouldn’t attend the open days, I also think you need age appropriate truth.

I can’t afford it, Daddy knows I can’t afford it and he isn’t prepared to pay for all of it so I don’t understand why he is saying you could go.

How can a court force a parent to pay for private school fees if they have never agreed to put their child in a private school?

No child has a legal right to demand that their parents pay for a private education, and no parent has a legal duty to privately educate their kids.

Point to relevant case law if you have examples, but I don't believe for a moment that a court could force a parent to pay for a private education that they haven't ever agreed to.

I would also ask your DD, why do you think Daddy wants you to go to private school and look at them when he knows I can’t afford it?

Your DD needs top notch critical thinking skills to survive him.

PR campaign? I think Harry Potter did all that, no need for a campaign.
Also, are you sure it is not your current husband who is stirring the shite against paying 50%?

And if court could rule... - for what money would the fees be paid if a parent doesn't have them?

I’m not a family lawyer, so won’t be citing case law.

I’m telling you from personal experience that I know of several families where one parent was in fact ordered by court to pay private school fees. As I said, in all of those cases the parent had previously agreed to private school and there were compelling reasons to keep that child in their private school.

I don’t think you can have read my previous comments properly as you are talking about forcing somebody to pay for school that “they haven’t ever agreed to” and I have never once suggested or even implied that this would happen!

In that case it would be the dad going to court if he stopped paying fees as he wanted the child to go private.

You are going to have to be assertive here and put this in writing. Private schools can be fabulous, but they also come at a cost.

"Dear <twat ex name>.

As DD is now 10 years old, we need to agree on a secondary school for her.

Looking at the options, close to me/us is X school, which is an excellent state secondary school (which lots of her friends will be doing to???) and as I(we) live in catchment she would get a place at the school. The application deadline is 31st October. I think we should submit the application for this school in good time.
You have also expressed an interest in DD going to a private school. Unfortunately I do not have the financial means to pay for this option, but if you are willing and able to commit to paying for a private school and all associated costs above that of a state school, then I am happy to consider this option, as it would be unfair to rule out your preferred school based purely on my own finances.
Moving forward, it would be sensible to apply for the state school place, then should you wish to continue with the application to a private school and enrol DD in private school, we can then decline her state school place.

Please let me know your thoughts on the matter.

Cicchetti"

If he were devoted to your child, he would say 'are you mad, you both have this amazing opportunity - look, your ex pays 50% and you and I pay 25% each and my lovely stepdaughter goes to a private school - such a privilege, lets do it'. Let us give her what only 7% of the children in this country have. Who knows how her life will pan out, but at least we shall know that we gave her this privilege when we could'.

If you are against private schooling - this is fine, I don't doubt your motives and that you have your child's best interests at heart, but if a stepfather is against private school, sorry, it does not pass the smell test.

No. He shouldn't.
He is not an evil stepdad because he doesn't step up and pays for a private school - a luxury for only 6% of children.

aside from the practicalities of which school, I would be very very concerned that he’s intending to involve your young child in a manipulative triangulation dynamic against you. It seems clear to me that he’s trying to plant a narrative within her of “daddy is trying to give you better opportunities and mummy is refusing.” Basically trying to turn her against you.

I would genuinely be tempted to get some professional advice about this, whether from her nursery teachers or a family therapist. I’m sure this is something that’s likely to come up again and again as she grows up.

i wouldn’t put too much emphasis on the fact that you can’t afford private school fees, as that just legitimises his narrative that private school would be preferable and that she’s missing out on something.

in my amateur opinion, I would be talking so positively about the local state school she’ll be going to, all the lovely things about it & the benefits of state over private (there are many!)

Only attend the open days if he is winning to pay 100% and even then this is risky if he decides to stop paying at the drop of a hat she will have to find a new school anyway.
You can't afford it. Don't be bullied.

Don't think new husband has to go to the open day tho. You are there to look with your DS. Interaction with her dad only needs to be minimal.

Good luck
X

She is missing out on something.
I would love my childen to go private! Or a holiday to New Zealand.
We can't. End of story.