To ask for advice re private school dispute

How on earth would taking you to court to force private school work?? No court can force you to spend money on this so presumably he would be happy paying 100%?

Is your daughter falling for the PR campaign?

Do you have solid state options?

Private is not always best. It depends on your area and your child. In our case, private was multiple times better than the local offering but that’s not just based on grades, it’s based on pastoral care and sports and music and art. I would only go down this route if you can afford it and the 20% VAT the govt has imposed.

Your ex cannot, however, make you pay for it so if you can’t afford it, you need to be clear now with your child or risk them being disappointed once they start comparing the private schools with the state ones at the open days.

If he wants her to attend tell him he needs to pay all the fees

You shouldn’t even be going to the open days. Don’t entertain this whatsoever.

I would worry that he would pay the fees for the first year, for example, then stop, leaving you with a difficult legal situation and a very limited chance of finding a decent state school with an available place. I know a mum to whom this happened. The ex was so fixated on punishing her, he didn't think or care about the impact on his child.

I wouldn't attend any open days and make it clear the answer is no. How does he think he can get a court to force you to commit to school fees? Tell him to crack on...

Simple

Keep repeating to dd that you cannot nd will not be paying for private schooling.

I wouldn't attend the open days in your shoes, as it may lead your dc to thinking that you are seriously considering the idea.

As for taking you to court to force you to pay private school fees...bring it on! He will be laughed out of court.

The main thing here is for you to manage the relationship with your dc. Explain why you can't support the private school plan, whether that is for financial reasons or because you think your local school will be a better option or whatever. You don't have to engage with their father but you need to try to manage your dc's understanding of the situation.

I wouldn’t worry just yet. My friend spent years trying to force her ex to agree to private school. She was even willing to pay for the fees but she couldn’t force him. The private school required both parents to sign the forms. He refused. Legally, she couldn’t do a thing.

Make sure you apply for the state options correctly and in good time.
Ignore anything relating to the private school. If he has to do everything himself, including entrance exam prep, buying uniform, arranging transport and so on, he will probably fall at one of these fences. Don't get dragged in. Ignore as much as possible.

No. Don't attent. Your child will see it as you are considering private if you go.

I don’t think you should go into this with your ideological ideas about private school. Your dc would just resent the lack of opportunity.

If you can’t do it for financial reasons that’s all you have to say to DC. And in that case there’s no point looking.

No court can make you pay. Just say no.

Make sure he pays upfront for all the years if she goes private. If he stops paying the fees your child will have to move school and that can be a hard one for a teenager.

I don’t think it’s possible to vote with any meaning based on the options you have given.
You need to consider whether you can 1) afford to pay half the fees, which will rise above the rate of inflation, plus additional costs 2) which school is right for your daughter, not whether it is private or state.

If you are just idealogically opposed then I would say you are acting no different to him.

See a solicitor and send him a formal letter saying you will never pay? It might come in handy in future and probably will be cheaper than a confrontation later on.

I wouldn't go to the open days, it would be implying to your daughter that you think going to one of the schools is a possibility. I would tell her you aren't coming because you can't afford private school fees, so it is pointless going to them, she will be going to state school and you have done your best to make sure she will get in to a good one.

No court will make you pay private school fees.

open days or not are up to you but I’d just tell your child (as you have) that you cannot afford it.

I wouldn’t go to to any open days. Just keep telling your DD it’s not an option. The local state school is more than good enough.

Don't entertain it, you don't need to justify your expenses to your ex or your child. Don't attend open days unless you want to. Tell your ex no. He's your ex.

On a practical note schools often limited the number of people accompanying a child to open days.

I agree with others don't go. You will be asked to sign documentation for school application so if you refuse the application will fail at the first hurdle. If he wants to go to court - let him. You have a viable option locally so it's not as if you are not acting as a responsible parent.

With respect to your DD - big up the links with the intended school - her friends going there, facilities etc.Take her along to this school's open day soon too. Explain why you can't afford the private school.

Hang tight on this one

If you can’t afford it you can’t afford it and going to court wouldn’t magically change that. Your ex couldn’t force it though court even if you could afford to send ten children to private school.

Be clear that it won’t happen and don’t send mixed messages by visiting. If your ex wants to take dd for a visit that’s up to him. If you do decide to go, it’s not going to make it any easier for your child if you insist on your new husband going so leave him out of it.

Court would only compel you to pay the fees if you could clearly afford it, AND there’s a very important reason why your child should attend the private school.

I know of some families where school fees have been ordered, but in all cases the parents had previously agreed on private education, the child had already started at the private school, and the court felt it would be disruptive to move them at that stage in their education.

Taking you to court over this would be a waste of his time and money.

In your shoes I wouldn’t go to the open days, no. I think that would send a message to your child that this is an option or something you’re willing to consider.

Just remind her that you cannot afford to pay the fees, that this is not an option, and that it would be a waste of everybody’s time to go to the open days - she’s welcome to if she’s curious, but there’s no chance she’ll be going to those schools.

And then start talking up your local state schools and how great they are, anytime she parrots back her dad’s criticisms of them you can say that you disagree, point her to your evidence etc, but then reiterate that private is
not an option anyway.

She‘ll be fine, and eventually she’ll see through his manipulation!