Are you a girls girl? Annoying neighbour isn't

Yes I know what you mean OP.

I knew a woman who aligned herself with the men in the community rather than with the women. It’s not that she fancied them at all, she was happily married but it seems that she somehow truly believed they had all the power and were a superior species. We were in the same community and worked quite closely for a time, but ‘friendship’ was a difficult concept for her with us, the women in our group,

She was brought up in a large family and her siblings were mostly boys who grew into tough strong farmer-type, outdoorsy men. Her father was also a strong patriarchal figure. I don’t know if her upbringing formed her opinions on women but by the time I met her, she seemed unable to commit to friendships with her own sex, but made a show of sitting laughing and joking easily with the men in the group.

To me, it was as if, as a developing teenager, one of the lads had said to the group…oh she’s alright, you can trust her, she’s one of the lads and that comment meant the world to her so she thought of herself and wanted to prove and uphold herself as one of the lads ever since.

She reckoned she was bullied by women in her younger career days, before I knew her, but I think it was just that she couldn’t get along with them and used that as an excuse.
She certainly used women volunteers in her later years to get the recognition in her job that she yearned but, although just friendly enough, she never seemed able to be one of that group of women, preferring to match her values to those of the men and consider the men as her allies rather than the women. I think it became a bit of a conflict for her in the end.

I had cause to think about the oddness of it all when we happened to be talking about the funeral of somebody in our community and she told me that she wanted no women at her funeral. She said with a sort of smug, knowing, half smile …’no, only men at my graveside please.’
I still can’t get over that.

I’m glad it’s not just me. I’m quite shocked at the cool girl tropes still being trotted out.

In my experience most people are lovely.However I have always worked inale dominated spaces so when I swopped to female I was shocked how petty,nasty bitchy gossiping women are.
Also it maybe possible she is neurodivergent.Lots of autistic women find conversation easier with men.Less social cues are rules.
This rings true that you find something off about her.Apparently neurotypical people know something is off they just don't know what.
I avoid girly girls and anyone who gossips.

It's an infantalising term. I'm not a "girls girl", I just prefer the company of women.

I was shocked how petty,nasty bitchy gossiping women are.

What a lovely generalisation. Are you including yourself in that category or are you different?

Funnily enough I had a neighbour just like this. I found it really disrespectful and rude. Ex OH loved it and lapped it up. It was one of the many nails in the coffin and I left them to it! Couldn't trust either of them to be fair.

Not saying your OH is like this at all, but I know how it makes you feel, and its just awful.

In general how are you and your husband perceived as a couple by most people? Who’s the loud/bigger talker/more sociable one? Who’s the friendlier one with strangers? Who usually does most of the talking? If the answer is your husband to all of that then it’s natural she would gravitate more to your husband, anyone would. If the answer is you and you’re not exaggerating and she really does turn her back on you while speaking to your husband, then that’s incredibly rude and I wouldn’t put up with it, I’d just walk off. Does she flirt with him? I think the phrase “girls’ girl” sounds a bit cringe & immature. I always gravitate more towards the person who seems friendlier, and who I have more in common with, regardless of their gender, but I wouldn’t turn my back on the other one. That would be obviously rude behaviour. What annoys me way more than this is when men only/mainly talk to the man in a hetero couple. I see it all the time, especially male salesmen if there’s a couple say, buying a car or something.

It's not her behaviour that's annoying. As a random neighbour, she should be of no consequence to you. It's his response. Your husband should notice her behaviour towards him is way more friendly than to you and have the respect for you to not let her fawn all over him in front of you.

It doesn't matter whether he's flattered/grateful/thinks she's a stupid cow/astutely knows she's just pushing her way up the pecking order in the female group and it's about her insecurity. Respect for your partner is number one priority.

Ah, I consciously try not to do that.
We live near some walking country and I go on solo walks fairly often. I am middle aged but my ‘look’ still appeals to a certain type/generation of men and I am a little conscious of these interactions when walking solo. So if I encounter a couple walking towards me I am always careful to make eye contact and say a nice ‘hello’ to the woman as much as, if not more so, the man because a) I don’t particularly want to flatter his ego and b) I don’t want to annoy another woman or cast any irritation into her day.

She could change this behaviour if she wished.

It depends. Often start a conversation based on a t-shirt or something. Occasionally I throw something out there just to see who's interested, though I can't imagine doing that to a couple I pass on the street!

I was mainly answering the question in OP's title rather than addressing her aggravation at this particular woman. I have known women who seem to focus on men, but they have got a lot fewer over the years. Not sure where you got "simpering" from.

Yes, I'm AUDHD and can find women very daunting to talk to in social situations as there so often seem to be complexities that I can't grasp easily in the moment, so I can see why ND women might lean towards men, especially as we often have less sex-typical interests. (Although personally, thanks to past trauma and experiences, I'm very wary of men, despite the fact that they're often 'simpler' to chat to.)

Over the years I've got better at just asking people about themselves in self-defence, and hoping we have some interests that align.

I have “resting bitch face” and can be a natural deterrent to some people maybe you have a subconscious vibe about you that she finds uncomfortable?

We live in a misogynistic society where many women have internalised that male attention is far more important than female attention.

I admit, I have to work a bit to remember that women who favour men are victims of the patriarchy because it's quite irritating.

I am the antithesis of this woman. When I'm at school pick up or at clubs with the kids and I see it's their friend's dads with them I feel like Alan Patrtidge when he goes to the petrol station and it's not Michael working 😂.

I wouldn't think they notice, Im perfectly polite verging on friendly, but inside I'm thinking boo where's your wife! I've also never had a male friend.

She sounds flirty and like the attention of men and plays up to them,she obviously very shallow.
Just avoid being in her company, say hello and walk off , turning her back on you is just rude and bad mannered, why would you even want to engage with her,she sounds vile

The friends I grew up with and went to uni with, the women were more interested if anything. And in some of the jobs I've had women were just as up on it. But since I became a mother and started mixing with people just because they have children, I have found that the women, on average, are a lot less likely to be interested in talking about politics or current affairs.

Maybe they are all following some old fashioned code that the men don't, or maybe it's that we don't start talking politics and current affairs (because if you don't know people well enough it can be a risky subject), and start out talking sci-fi or space and the politics etc. comes later?

Some of the posts on this thread make me sad. Tarring women with the same brush, calling us judgy and gossipy. The bitchiest biggest gossips at my workplaces have been men.

I don't trust women who say "I only get on with men because men are easiest and women are x,y,z" because a woman who says that is, demonstrably, very judgmental.

You might be a person who has more in common with men due to hobbies and interests... and that's fine... but there will be some women you have stuff in common with too and to dismiss us all as bitchy, is ironically, very bitchy.

There are plenty of people I don't get on with, but I tend to think that's because we don't have much in common... which is OK! I don't attribute it to us being women.

Any woman who thinks other women have no interest in politics or science - you are the problem.
Women have a wide variety of interests, just like men do. They don't owe you a political debate before you even get to know them. Perhaps men have more energy for that because they dont spend all day problem solving and because they don't have to be quite so worried about who they might upset.

Tbh, im not sure a self-described “girls girl” is someone I’d want to chat with.

And it’s so funny someone mentioned MAFS because it literally is just Holly screaming over the table at the dinner party at Hannah not to talk to her man.

Now - It is rude to only talk to one (often the man) in the couple. And some women do lap up male attention. But if you’re secure about your own relationship, this is the sort of thing you laugh about and roll your eyes at. And think, well she’s not my cup of tea but maybe there’s a reason she’s like this, crack on hun.

Ironically, that's what the OP has done – tarred a woman as "not a girl's girl".

I think there's nothing wrong with saying you tend to gravitate towards men/women, imo, because the sexes are socialised differently and tend to have different dynamics, and ND women particularly can have trouble being accepted by NT women and may feel more acutely out of their depth. But I agree, to dismiss most women as judgy or "bitchy" is deeply unpleasant.

@Dogwalkinthedarkcan you mention it to your DH? There’s a really unpleasant woman in our building who scowls coldly at me when I say hi and doesn’t reply, but will be all sweetness and light to my DH, even invited him over (!). My DH clocked it and said she’s a jealous person

I would make your DH aware in any case, sometimes they can be blind to this sort of thing. Some subtle body language changes in him, or him actively bringing you into the the conversation, when you next all bump into her will put her back in her place

I think some women have had bad experiences with other women and are a bit wary. Maybe bullying at school, a horrid mum ect and struggle to bond with another woman over it (that doesn't give reason to flirt eith other peoples husbands though)

I don't have any straight male friends, my very best friend is gay.
When DH friends come over I am always polite "hi how are you doing? How is (wife's name + children) but that's it. I find them all annoying in a way. They always make stupid, childish digs at each other.

Maybe because I had all brothers growing up and now all sons & I just crave another females company. My mum died years ago and my only female companion is my little rescue pug.

I feel like I’m a bit like the woman you describe.

I was very ‘male socialised’ during most stages of my life, childhood first best friend was a boy, my hobby/ job had no women etc.

I often feel like women aren’t interested in me. If I meet a couple, the man will be friendly and have a laugh/joke with me, the woman usually won’t make an effort - maybe as a response to their partner being friendly?

whenever a woman approaches me in a friendly way, I’m surprised, as it rarely happens. I don’t know why. I have heard retrospectively from female friends that they were intimidated by me first.

I’ve also had a ridiculous amount of bad experiences with women. Mostly bullying starting at school, including physical and sexual abuse, nevermind the usual rumour spreading, personal confidential information always being spread, on-off friendships etc. As an adult, I always seem to think I’m better friends with a woman than i really am. You can talk almost every day, go for coffees, meals, days out, and suddenly you’re ghosted or excluded, left to figure out why. Using exclusion as a weapon because someone said something you didn’t like is childish and I have no time for it, or for creating drama in friendships. We’re not 15.

Meanwhile, my experience is that in a group of men they always try hard to include me, even change the conversation to ensure it’s ’female friendly’, make sure I get home safe etc.

Funny enough when my male colleagues or friends introduce me to their wife/ family, their partner does not seem interested or engaged with me, even though I focus hardcore on them, find out about their job, what the kids like, basically no engagement with their husband… and yet somehow I never meet the wife again and come away feeling somewhat dismissed.

At work I’ve tried to be in female groups but it never really works out. Organically I end up being friends with maybe 4-5 men, we have banter about politics, tech, football… As well as some really nice conversations about experiences or problems we need help with, eg career progression, health/ fitness, being more social etc… I find that women like to talk about friends and family and other people often, and it’s just not topics I find interesting - I’ll try but I prefer non-personal topics.

Phew, got it all out.

I know a couple of women who are inclusive and lovely and brighten up my day, send the loveliest texts etc… They all work in hair and beauty so just very good communication skills.

Totally down for being friendly with women, but if women constantly make it hard for you to enter their exclusive club, while men don’t think twice, you may choose the group that makes you feel welcome. I don’t want to feel like I’m trying to win someone’s approval socially and jumping through hoops.

It’s not my intention to not be a ‘girl’s girl’ as you describe, but I find myself quite rejected by women over and over again, so it’s probably my natural reaction to be more open to men, and it may reflect in my body language and attitude. Hurt far too many times.

Not sure who you're meeting but I'm a woman with women friends and we don't talk about knitting and make up.

We talk about:

-funny things that have happened to us
-our children
-what's going on in our lives
-TV shows we've enjoyed
-books we've enjoyed
-politics (though I have to be careful as I find men and women can't always have respectful discussions with those they disagree with)
-society and it's problems
-our careers/work

I admit, I wish I could talk about knitting though... I love knitting 🙈 sadly most people aren't interested.

I love sci fi too but it's trashy low-bro sci fi and I'm generally embarrassed to admit to reading it.

If the majority of your interactions with women are negative, it is you that is the problem.