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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Whats the point of consent and asking permission if you get lied to

630 replies

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Yesterday 17:52

Whats the point of consent and permission ? friends meal and they cover the cost, they said here is x amount get what you want, so permission is asked what the limit is eg £20 and i can get whatever food / takeaway with it, the yes permission is given that i can buy what i want within the budget.

turns out a day or two after wards a sarcastic comment was made because i had 2 jacket potatoes with different toppings, so i said why is that an issue and it turns out that they still thought id get one instead of two ,

so i said i asked permission of what the budget was and i did ask what i could get then all i got was oh id still thought you would get 1 so i said why then say i can get x why not just say and be honest.

i guess this is more me moaning but why do people do this, say yes to x then they actually want you do to x instead its like why ?

before anyone asks we usually do a weekly meal out, and no they are fairly wealthy

OP posts:
Firefly1987 · Today 21:13

Woodfiresareamazing2 · Today 20:56

I have over 20 years experience of working with a wide range of ND students.

Maybe those posting on here don't agree, but I know from extensive lived experience that many ND people would see this the way OP does.

If it's too hard to understand social norms like this they could always pay for themselves, OP is reluctant to do this. She almost seems to see it as a favour to her friend that she allows her to "play host" and pay for her!

ShetlandishMum · Today 21:16

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Today 21:12

yes i now know when a person says order what ever you want i now know to ask does that mean one poatoe two potaoes or does that mean chips , can i have fish or sausage etc

Did you get the 'pay your own food' instead of overcomplicating a lunch?

Woodfiresareamazing2 · Today 21:17

MademoisellePraline · Today 21:09

@MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe

Let's go with a conversation with me, and Jane. Jane is someone who thinks it's quirky to ensure social norms don't apply to her, because even if she didn't know at first, she alleges still not to understand when over a hundred people have explained it at the level a bowl of trifle would have comprehended by now.

Me: Hi Jane, want to come round tomorrow?

Jane: Sure, shall I come at 3pm? What shall we do?

Me: Whatever you like. See you at 3pm.

Jane then turns up at 3pm, strips off and rolls around my living room floor.

Me: Jane? Wtaf are you doing?

Jane: Why must you talk in riddles? Why say do whatever I like when clearly you didn't mean it.

Do you see how it should not be necessary to explain to a grown adult with a basic education of manners and etiquette, that they won't be permitted to roll on the floor naked? Do you see how utterly childish and ridiculous that person would be, 20 pages into a thread to still be claiming "but, but she said whatever I like"

That's a ridiculous analogy.

IDontHateRainbows · Today 21:17

ineedadehumidifier · Yesterday 18:19

Fair point. Are you “tight” op, since you never pay?

Shove a lump of coal up OPs arse see if a diamond falls out 2 weeks later...

MademoisellePraline · Today 21:17

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Today 21:11

from a literatel point of view the error was telling a person what ever they want

No.

The error is your refusal to remotely educate yourself on what is socially acceptable. Or rather know perfectly well it's unacceptable but think you've got some entitlement because "literal wording."

It's not ok to be repeatedly greedy on someone else's buck, with this juvenile "gotcha on the wording" which you seem to think sounds clever and justified. All it does is make you look even more greedy and ill mannered.

ShetlandishMum · Today 21:19

MademoisellePraline · Today 21:17

No.

The error is your refusal to remotely educate yourself on what is socially acceptable. Or rather know perfectly well it's unacceptable but think you've got some entitlement because "literal wording."

It's not ok to be repeatedly greedy on someone else's buck, with this juvenile "gotcha on the wording" which you seem to think sounds clever and justified. All it does is make you look even more greedy and ill mannered.

Tbh a lot of ND mostly with autism (not all of course) are stuck in this.
It's a bit sad really.

Woodfiresareamazing2 · Today 21:22

Firefly1987 · Today 21:13

If it's too hard to understand social norms like this they could always pay for themselves, OP is reluctant to do this. She almost seems to see it as a favour to her friend that she allows her to "play host" and pay for her!

That can be debated.

But that's not what the original question was.

Normally friends would take it in turns to pay, split the bill each time, or just pay for themselves.

But for some reason, some dynamic we don't understand, the friend always wants to pay.
Maybe she is much better off than OP 🤷‍♀️

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Today 21:22

IDontHateRainbows · Today 21:17

Shove a lump of coal up OPs arse see if a diamond falls out 2 weeks later...

id be a diamond machine

OP posts:
MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Today 21:22

Woodfiresareamazing2 · Today 21:22

That can be debated.

But that's not what the original question was.

Normally friends would take it in turns to pay, split the bill each time, or just pay for themselves.

But for some reason, some dynamic we don't understand, the friend always wants to pay.
Maybe she is much better off than OP 🤷‍♀️

she is

OP posts:
murasaki · Today 21:22

The shark has surely been jumped now, come on OP, give over, you know you've been behaving badly for ages. And sack off the Sheldon analogues, it's not big and it's not clever.

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Today 21:25

here is a perfect thread about the mis communication of whats said vs what happened ;

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5564609-guests-bring-their-own-lunch

summary of op:

Guests bring their own lunch
thevoiceofreasoning · Today 16:50
I have recently had surgery and I am pretty immobile … just about get around on crutches indoors. Friends (m and f married couple with 10 year old daughter) wanted to visit me at my home. I’m not really up to guests to be honest but they more or less invited themselves. I agreed and they said they would arrive around 11am and stay until about 3pm (they live a couple of hours drive away from me). Since this timing clearly spanned over lunchtime I thought it was only fair to warn them I wasn’t really up to making a meal for them, which is something I usually always do when they visit a few times a year. The wife says oh that’s not a problem we will bring something with us. i thought oh that will be nice … a bit of company and something nice to eat brought in!
Well they all arrived carrying big cool bag and busied themselves putting things in my fridge etc. We chatted for a while and then wife stood up and said she would fix lunch… checking with me where I kept my plates etc. whilst I remained sat in the lounge. When everything is plated … individual pots of salad, wrapped up sandwiches etc. kind of picnic style and she announced it was ready, I suddenly realised that she had only put out 3 plates for them and had not included me! She then turned and said ‘Oh are you going to make yourself something and join us?”
I was so shocked I just mumbled oh I will make myself some toast. And then sat there with them eating a couple of slices of toast whilst they had their individually plated picnic goodies! The funny thing is I truly believe they thought they were being considerate bringing their own food so I didn’t have to bother cooking.
I can sort of laugh about it but I am also gobsmacked they could think that was ok! However, now looking back I guess I did make an assumption that they would bring something for me to eat too. AIBU? Love to hear people’s thoughts on this!

Guests bring their own lunch | Mumsnet

I have recently had surgery and I am pretty immobile … just about get around on crutches indoors. Friends (m and f married couple with 10 year old dau...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5564609-guests-bring-their-own-lunch

OP posts:
MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Today 21:26

murasaki · Today 21:22

The shark has surely been jumped now, come on OP, give over, you know you've been behaving badly for ages. And sack off the Sheldon analogues, it's not big and it's not clever.

yes i know i need to do better,

OP posts:
ShetlandishMum · Today 21:27

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Today 21:25

here is a perfect thread about the mis communication of whats said vs what happened ;

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5564609-guests-bring-their-own-lunch

summary of op:

Guests bring their own lunch
thevoiceofreasoning · Today 16:50
I have recently had surgery and I am pretty immobile … just about get around on crutches indoors. Friends (m and f married couple with 10 year old daughter) wanted to visit me at my home. I’m not really up to guests to be honest but they more or less invited themselves. I agreed and they said they would arrive around 11am and stay until about 3pm (they live a couple of hours drive away from me). Since this timing clearly spanned over lunchtime I thought it was only fair to warn them I wasn’t really up to making a meal for them, which is something I usually always do when they visit a few times a year. The wife says oh that’s not a problem we will bring something with us. i thought oh that will be nice … a bit of company and something nice to eat brought in!
Well they all arrived carrying big cool bag and busied themselves putting things in my fridge etc. We chatted for a while and then wife stood up and said she would fix lunch… checking with me where I kept my plates etc. whilst I remained sat in the lounge. When everything is plated … individual pots of salad, wrapped up sandwiches etc. kind of picnic style and she announced it was ready, I suddenly realised that she had only put out 3 plates for them and had not included me! She then turned and said ‘Oh are you going to make yourself something and join us?”
I was so shocked I just mumbled oh I will make myself some toast. And then sat there with them eating a couple of slices of toast whilst they had their individually plated picnic goodies! The funny thing is I truly believe they thought they were being considerate bringing their own food so I didn’t have to bother cooking.
I can sort of laugh about it but I am also gobsmacked they could think that was ok! However, now looking back I guess I did make an assumption that they would bring something for me to eat too. AIBU? Love to hear people’s thoughts on this!

You have enough on your plate. Spend your energy sorting your own lunch issue.

MademoisellePraline · Today 21:28

ShetlandishMum · Today 21:19

Tbh a lot of ND mostly with autism (not all of course) are stuck in this.
It's a bit sad really.

Edited

My eldest is ND. As is his gf. Neither lack basic manners.

Maybe there would have been a time where he wouldn't have understood that if someone offered to treat you to dinner, you don't pick the most expensive dish, I mean the boy loves fillet. But a quick "that's considered bad manners, if someone is being generous, try and be conservative, pick from the middle priced or lower choices" would have been sufficient.

OP, who we have now established is not ND, is determined not to understand. Because that way she's right, and can carry on.

Woodfiresareamazing2 · Today 21:29

MademoisellePraline · Today 21:17

No.

The error is your refusal to remotely educate yourself on what is socially acceptable. Or rather know perfectly well it's unacceptable but think you've got some entitlement because "literal wording."

It's not ok to be repeatedly greedy on someone else's buck, with this juvenile "gotcha on the wording" which you seem to think sounds clever and justified. All it does is make you look even more greedy and ill mannered.

How is it greedy to have two small items versus someone else's main meal?

How is it mean when the smaller items cost half of the main meal?

How is it mean to not pay when the other person insists on paying every time?

I don't think OP thinks she sounds "clever and justified", and I dont think she's thinking she pulled a "gotcha" on the wording.

She is genuinely puzzled as to why the friend made the comment they did given what they had agreed with OP re what she could order and spend

I think some posts have veered into bullying territory.

ShetlandishMum · Today 21:30

MademoisellePraline · Today 21:28

My eldest is ND. As is his gf. Neither lack basic manners.

Maybe there would have been a time where he wouldn't have understood that if someone offered to treat you to dinner, you don't pick the most expensive dish, I mean the boy loves fillet. But a quick "that's considered bad manners, if someone is being generous, try and be conservative, pick from the middle priced or lower choices" would have been sufficient.

OP, who we have now established is not ND, is determined not to understand. Because that way she's right, and can carry on.

I know. I didn't say all but it's not that unsual this situation for people with autism. They often end up very isolated without understanding why.

BeardySchnauzer · Today 21:31

The OP is very happy to apply different standards though

she shouldn’t have to read between the lines on the ordering issue, but she’s happy to read between the lines when her friend mentioned the 2 meals and assumes she moaned and thought she was greedy

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Today 21:32

Woodfiresareamazing2 · Today 21:29

How is it greedy to have two small items versus someone else's main meal?

How is it mean when the smaller items cost half of the main meal?

How is it mean to not pay when the other person insists on paying every time?

I don't think OP thinks she sounds "clever and justified", and I dont think she's thinking she pulled a "gotcha" on the wording.

She is genuinely puzzled as to why the friend made the comment they did given what they had agreed with OP re what she could order and spend

I think some posts have veered into bullying territory.

thank you, and yes its the puzzlement of saying x and then meaning y thats puzzled me

OP posts:
MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Today 21:33

ShetlandishMum · Today 21:27

You have enough on your plate. Spend your energy sorting your own lunch issue.

but that thread does prove my points about peoples communication methods and styles and how people assume with words that are spoken etc

OP posts:
BeardySchnauzer · Today 21:36

Not really. That thread was about how people would respond.

the OPs friends thought ‘oh we’ll save her the trouble of making out lunch by bringing our own’ and then stopped the thought process there

kind people would then think ‘gosh she must really be struggling, let me take her lunch too so she can have a proper rest given she’s hosting’.

the thread makes clear that the guests are CF and tight so if you want to align with them then go ahead

ShetlandishMum · Today 21:39

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Today 21:33

but that thread does prove my points about peoples communication methods and styles and how people assume with words that are spoken etc

Edited

It only proves that you are unable to deal with your own issues. There is no reason to deal with other lunch challenges than your own.

MademoisellePraline · Today 21:41

Woodfiresareamazing2 · Today 21:29

How is it greedy to have two small items versus someone else's main meal?

How is it mean when the smaller items cost half of the main meal?

How is it mean to not pay when the other person insists on paying every time?

I don't think OP thinks she sounds "clever and justified", and I dont think she's thinking she pulled a "gotcha" on the wording.

She is genuinely puzzled as to why the friend made the comment they did given what they had agreed with OP re what she could order and spend

I think some posts have veered into bullying territory.

How is it greedy to have two small items versus someone else's main meal?

As you can see from the thread, two jacket potatoes are not two small items. If they were meant to be one lunch, the menu item would be "two jacket potatoes". OP was being treated to lunch. She ordered two lunches. And it's not the first time she's been greedy with this friend.

How is it mean when the smaller items cost half of the main meal?

They weren't canapes or starters, stop pretending they weren't two lunches. And it's irrelevant how much the paying person's lunch was. She was paying for her own food.

How is it mean to not pay when the other person insists on paying every time?

Because apparently, the reason OP never pays is because, and incredulously in her own words, if someone insists on paying, there's nothing the other person can do.

Then guess what OP, practice what you preach and insist on paying. Funnily enough she failed to respond to that...

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Today 21:42

ShetlandishMum · Today 21:39

It only proves that you are unable to deal with your own issues. There is no reason to deal with other lunch challenges than your own.

true but at least im not the only one to miscommucate with people

OP posts:
BeardySchnauzer · Today 21:44

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Today 21:42

true but at least im not the only one to miscommucate with people

No one said you are - but at least you are acknowledging that you too miscommunicate

ShetlandishMum · Today 21:45

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Today 21:42

true but at least im not the only one to miscommucate with people

Of course you aren't but how do you improve your communication?

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